Dear Rammi:

I just read through our communication and I want to add to it. The title of your thread is “How do I stop pursuing men that lead me on“? My answer today: you can stop being led on by managing your passion and your anger so that these emotions no longer hijack your thinking.

If you keep your thinking intact, if you think things through, you will not be led on.

Let’s look at four  examples (from July 22, 2022) in regard to how your anger hijacks your thinking: (1) “We had decided to work things out and figure them out together all in the same conversation as when he said he’s emotionally unavailable” – when he told you that he is emotionally unavailable, he gave you a very important piece of information that needed to be addressed and understood better over a few conversations. But being ruled by your passion to be with him, you jumped ahead to talking about working things out-  in the very same conversation in which he told you that he is not available to be working things out.

(2) “He told me that weekend that he once again didn’t mean the emotionally unavailable comment. He was trying to push me away because his parents won’t agree“- you could have asked him what is his definition of “emotionally unavailable” (or of emotionally available) in order to understand what he means by it. But being ruled by your desire to be with him, you neglected to ask this very important and at the time, very relevant question.

(3) When I suggested that there were too many arguments in the relationship (by arguments I do not mean the logic-based, rational and peaceful exchange of ideas;  I mean the anger-based, rationally-compromised, combative exchange of ideas aka fighting) was a problem, you responded with: “I don’t think the break up’s is about the arguments“- how do you know? Did you think it through… did you ask him if he thinks that arguing too much was a problem in the relationship?

(4) “Every time we did have an argument he chose to walk away because it was just the easier thing for him to do.  Once again selfish because he didn’t ever think about me in the situation” – but it is okay to choose to walk away from an angry, combative argument, it is not selfish. Issues should be discussed peacefully and rationally, not angrily and  combatively.

The solution to him walking away was not to argue more (that he is selfish, etc.), but to not argue at all.

I am now going back to October 20, 2020, the original post of your previous thread regarding the same man: “He then told me he thinks things are not going to work out, I was like what? He’s told me he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t know if he wants to spend his life with me. I asked him why he said all those things to a month ago? He said he didn’t want to lose me. I asked him if he’s ok with losing me now?“-

– hijacked by passion (“It was fireworks and our chemistry was amazing”) and anger, instead of listening to what he said and addressing what he said, you didn’t stay on topic and you argued: why did you say that you loved me a month ago, why is he okay losing you now, etc.

In other words, instead of addressing the issue at hand, you go straight to arguing.

Psychology today: “Fighting of any sort indicates that partners have taken a stance against each other. Fighting pits me against you, with expectations that one of us will emerge as a winner and the other as the loser. Participants are antagonists, competitors for who will win. Collaborative partnering, by contrast, involves side-by-side problem-solving. In collaborative discussions of even the most sensitive and difficult issues, both parties pursue mutual understanding. Both seek to understand the other’s point of view as well as to express their own concerns. Both presume that a broader and deeper understanding of both their own and their partner’s concerns will open a pathway for moving forward that will be responsive to all of these concerns.”

anita

Dear Rammi:

To fix it, it will take some insight (“maybe this comes from a fear…”) and what is called emotion regulation skills.  Do you want to start with the first or the second (if you want to, of course)?

anita