Hi benchevy,

So let’s say you do have success, money and fame someday. Then people are fawning all over you. How would that conditional love feel? I for one would feel resentful!

Or worse! Let’s say you get success, money and fame and no one really cares. How would that feel then? If it were me, I’d be pissed!

When we have success, money or fame fantasies, what we’re really dreaming of is “This is the real me! They don’t love me because they don’t know who I am! Once they see the real me, that’ll show ’em, then they’ll love me!”

In the old days we would have dreamt of playing the hero. That’s why (back before TV and magazines) people read books on myths and legends and told tales around the fire.

We all want a tribe, a sense of belonging, a feeling of contributing to your people.

The most we can do is volunteer work/helping our community, and finding a friend by being a friend, in my opinion.

Good Luck on Your Hero’s Journey!

Inky

Dear benchevy:

I separated what you wrote into the four categories below, all quotes but re-arranged:

1) “Ive always been a introvert, extremely shy, had a hard time making friends etc…I want to be respected, appreciated and loved. That was something I never had…All I want is just to be happy with what I have….”

2) “…I have huge dreams, goal and ambitions that I want to achieve, but the reason I have them is to impress other people…to make a lot of money”

3) “It gives me a headache, also feel stressed and never satisfied because I have set the bar so high for myself.”

In number one, you write what the problem is, and this is what I understand it is: you feel you are not valuable, not worthy, inferior to others, not confident in who you are, scared. You want to feel worthy for who you are, who you are right now, but you don’t.

Number two is how part of your brain is trying to fix the problem (problem stated in number 1), it is the “answer”. That part thinking how to fix the problem is an All-or-Nothing part, a magical thinking part: to be of value, it tells you, you have to be Rich and Famous. This is how you get to feel you are worthy, valuable, that you matter!

Number three is who ineffective the effort to fix the problem is (the “answer” in number 2). It only gives you a headache because the GAP between where you are in life (not rich and famous) and where the part of your brain tells you that you need to be in order to solve the problem, that gap is too huge. It creates such pressure on you (and would on anyone) that it can only scare you further and paralyze you. It simply is not a good answer, not a good proposed solution.

Here is number four which I am coming up with, for your consideration. This is me pretending I am a voice in your brain:

4) I am worthy. I am valuable. I don’t feel it yet, but I am. I am willing to abandon the answer that does not work and come up with an answer that does work: take a little step today toward the goal of FEELING the FACT that I am already worthy AS I AM.

benchevy: there are reasons why you do not feel your worth. You may have to find out what those are, maybe through psychotherapy, maybe through sharing with a mature friend, maybe even sharing here, on this post, if you think you are getting the right kind of understanding here. When you realize how you got where you are- not feeling the worth you already possess- then you will understand further and move closer.

Give up what does not work. Give that up. Do what works, one small step at a time.

anita

P.S.: You know Robin Williams- very rich and famous, right? He killed himself, intentionally. He wasn’t happy- he did not feel his own worth. It only takes one example of a rich and famous person to prove the point that if and when you get to the rich and famous status, it far from guarantees or even secures a belief in self worth.