Dear Hey Its Jess:

Can you give an example of what a person you live with (a roommate?) says to you that is unsupportive, in what circumstance (following you sharing something with him or her, as part of a two way conversation?)-

it will help me to understand if you give an example or two.

anita

Hi, Hey It’s Jess:  Like Anita, an example or two would be helpful. Other than that, I’m with Inky.  People who put down your ambitions are always coming from jealousy, envy and fear. You being successful and doing what YOU want IS their worst fear, because they didn’t get what they wanted or failed to go after it.  They want you to be on their level, because if you succeed, they’ll perceive you as ‘better’ than they are.  Their perceptions are not your problem. It’s bloody hard not to react or defend, have been there and done that. First of all, get some rest – over-tiredness never did anyone any good when you have a work load.  Rest and sleep will help you tackle the work load and the tough work days and you’ll feel better.  Keep saying ‘So What?’ Feel sorry for these people if you can, because they seem to be so very insecure. Realising where they’re coming from, and I mean REALLY realising –  will help you react in a positive way rather than a negative.  When they start putting down your goals and ambitions, go for a ten minute walk if the situation allows – you won’t be shouting and rageful at them, you won’t be there to say anything you may regret, therefore you’ll have no guilt later on about losing your temper. You’ll get those feel-goods endorphins (?) going and get a few minutes exercise too.  Or smile and say “Well, I’ve got nothing new to say about this situation and neither do you. I’ve got things I need to be doing. Have a nice day. ”  Then go and DO THINGS that will assist your forward progress instead of wasting all that energy on defence and anger. Work out that anger in the ten minute walk or shut yourself in the car and have a good shout for a few minutes.  Bottling up the anger is not healthy either. Just express it differently.  They’re never going to see your point of view because they don’t want to and you can’t make them. Accept it and get on with whatever it is you want to do.  Good luck.

Dear Hey Its Jess:

I am glad to read from you too. Quotes from you and my thoughts:

1. “We are talking about my mom… In her eyes, I will never be enough or good but that’s ok I still love her. I just have a problem with my anger”- reminds me of the fragmentation you mentioned in a previous thread. I figure a fragment of you is okay with your mother, a fragment of you is angry at her.

2. “the people I live with don’t think much about my goals and ambitions…I was actually referring to my family… the criticism doesn’t stop.. it doesn’t bother me… I’m quite used to it”- if only our parents were only people-we-live-with. Again, a fragment of you cares, a fragment of you doesn’t care.

3. “I don’t let it get to me and am totally ok… as long as I have enough faith in myself, I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to… it gets really hard to ignore.. when I am tired or going through a rough time at work… I just can’t seem to control my emotions in these moments”- when you are tired or under distress, the fragment that cares takes over.

4. (from a previous thread),”I have realized that my happiness is directly proportional to the amount of things that I get done in the day.. If I waste time or slack off, I go to bed feeling like a sore loser.. and that depressing feeling stays with me for some days”

Back to this thread, “I believe freedom and choice comes first. I want to be really good at animation and illustration while running an event management business on the side… I strongly believe that I can do it” – I believe you can do it too.

I also believe that the angry fragment is not going anywhere. Whatever career success you experience,  when tired, when having a tough day, when under distress, when not having accomplished enough in one day, the hurt, angry fragment that is there all the time will show up to spoil that success for you.

This part of you that is hurt and angry, that cares about the criticism, wants your attention and respect. Only when it gets your attention and respect, will it calm down. Integrate the hurt part and the okay part into one Hey Its Jess, and your life will be so much better for it.

anita

Dear Hey Its Jess:

You are welcome. Neither screaming all day nor wallowing in self pity is what I meant by integrating. A moment of integrating, just a bit of it, would be calmly seeing the angry you and saying to her: I understand.

anita

Dear Hey Its Jess:

I like your light hearted attitude and humor. And you distracting yourself by massaging your sister’s feet is an excellent technique to calm that rage you felt. While your attitude, humor and distracting are very helpful, understanding your anger is necessary for your mental heath. Let me know if you want to look into your anger further, here, look at the fear or hurt underneath.

anita