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  • #104672
    trisha
    Participant

    I am new to the forums, but been reading Tiny Buddha and multiple buddhist books for sometime… I am Christian, but I love the buddhist philosophy, it just speaks to me.

    I know all the readings, which inspire me to keep going. For instance, I have people in my life who no matter what I do for them, they are never thankful… though Buddha says to give without expecting anything in return. That I should find the joy in the giving… I agree, but how do you do that?

    I have a teenager who, right now, is just a mess… and I am sure I am responsible for that. I worry, and I let her hurt me with her words… but Buddha says that if I am stressed, then I am worrying about the future, how can you not with a teenager who is not on the right path?? I should also be able to get to a place that no matter what anyone says to me, I am fine with it… that I am stronger than words.

    I have inlaws that are so indifferent to me, it is hurtful… I know I should not let other people’s opinion of me shape my own opinion of myself… but how do you do that??

    How do you turn off your human emotions and hurts and needs to get to a place where this world does not crush you?

    I feel beaten up emotionally… but I know I do that by how I think about things… change your thinking and you change your world, but I keep trying and I am just not there…

    Any thoughts? I know it is something you have to do every day, you don’t get better at a sport if you don’t practice…

    #104675
    Evan
    Participant

    Hi Tri808,

    You are not Buddha – and please don’t try to be. You are you, so be you! Go easy on yourself, your emotions are there as a guide to lead you to your inner peace which already exists. By denying them, or trying to get rid of them, or justifying why they are there, leads you further from that space.

    A Zen saying (interpretation) – Your mind is like a bowl full of water. Holding it as steady as you can will still cause ripples and motion no matter how hard you try. Yet put the bowl down, and stillness returns. Put your mind down for a bit and clarity will return.

    Sitting with your emotions (energy in motion) you will see why you are feeling anxious (future) or depressed (past) neither of which you have any control over. So deal with the present as much as you can, and practise simply being present as often as you can. Feel the present not think the present.

    Invite your inner world to be your friend, accept it, acknowledge it, neither push or pull it closer or further away. The light of consciousness leaves nothing to hide. You will soon see what you need to let go of, or accept, or change, or act on.

    No external situation or environment will resolve your internal world. If all things corrected themselves by tonight, again you would ‘think’ all is well, and relax and once again ignore your inner world. What you are experiencing now IS what you need to evolve. It is neither good nor bad. It just is…..

    Is this easy…… no. Are there many phases….. yes. You are a child of the universe, go easy on yourself. When you stop abandoning yourself, and return to self love, your path will reveal itself, your actions will be without hesitation.

    Right now, forgive yourself, and allow yourself to feel what is going on. Accept yourself as you are. Love yourself with as much energy as the sun lights your day. Start here, now.

    Best

    Evan

    #104678
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tri808:

    I can’t express myself better than Evan above, my goodness, so very well stated, says I! I have nothing to add to it. If you would like to share more about your relationship with your teenage daughter, the difficulties there, maybe I will have something to add to a future post by you.

    anita

    #104686
    trisha
    Participant

    Evan and Anita;
    Thank you for the reminder… I think I will just have to read your post everyday!!

    Unfortunately the present is very stressful with raising a teenager.. I don’t think Buddha had a teenage girl when he was talking about the past, future and present… the present is stressful. Just when you put one fire out, another comes up. It’s like running an endless marathon… you just finish, and you say to yourself “that went well, let me rest” and it’s time to get up and run again. Like the snowball rolling down a hill getting larger and larger… I let a few bad behaviors go without correction and now I have a huge snowball rolling out of control, testing every response and emotion. I am angry, hurt, tired, frustrated and overwhelmed. So, tough to go easy on myself when I know I have created that which is causing me pain…

    But thank you… looking at reading Happiness: Essential Mindfulness Practices, Author: Thich Nhat Hanh

    I think I need someone to walk me, step by step, through this phase… but thank you for the encouragement!!!

    #104687
    UnconditionalPeace
    Participant

    Tri808,

    I don’t think it’s necessary to “turn off your human emotions.” We just need to distinguish between states of mind and states of being. It is all right to feel hurt or worried in certain situations, but the problem comes about when we let ourselves be hurt or worried all the time in order to compensate for some other, deeper problem.

    I like Evan’s sentence, “Feel the present not think the present.” We think in the present, of course, but not of the present. So if you are hurt, just feel the hurt, without fixating on what is hurting you. When you are worried, just feel the worry, without fixating on the source of worry. Then the emotions will wash over you like flowing water. Otherwise you will be living in a past that you can’t do over, or in a future that you can only marginally control.

    #104721
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tri808:

    You wrote that you need someone to walk you step by step through this phase, you mean with your daughter? If so, I am no expert of course.

    My thoughts:

    Regarding the snowball effect, to shrink that snowball, you can confront the snow on the outside of the ball first or the core of the snowball first. If the core is too difficult to get to first, then go from the outside in, the little problems first. If all is broken, maybe start at the core.

    The core, I think, is what went wrong when things started to go wrong. It is the nature of her first injury in her relationship with you. I hope it is possible for you to sit with her time and time again, making it a regular thing, a routine, for you and her to sit together and talk. Be as calm as you can, be there not to fix her but be available for her to fix herself. Make sure she feels comfortable expressing her true feelings as they are.

    Send her the message that whatever she feels is valid and okay, that she is visible and that what her well being is your highest priority, that you are on her side.

    Be authentic with her, express your true emotions but in a controlled way so that she doesn’t see you out of control, intensely distressed. She needs to know you are strong enough but yet emotionally honest. So that she can be honest with you.

    Please do post again.

    anita

    #105025
    PreacherGirl
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your question. You remind me so much of myself, constantly pouring out love on others, only to feel punished for doing so. Nothing is wrong with you. You are living in accordance with who you are. You are apparently surrounded by people who do not share your values and world view.

    I’m a Christian too, and while it’s true that we should give because it will make us feel good, it will only make us feel good if it makes others happy! If your gifts are rejected and despised, they are no longer seen as gifts to the recipient. Stop casting your pearls before swine. Not calling your in-laws pigs, but they obviously have no more appreciation for your love and light than a little piggy has for pearls.

    And as far as your daughter, hopefully you feel secure and sure of the fact that she loves you, because right now it sounds like she doesn’t respect you very much. You must assert yourself and be stern, not harsh with your words, just set boundaries and communicate consequences for violating those boundaries. If she finds ways to get around you, each time she finds a loophole, circle back with a new and better consequence. Don’t get into thinking that you must win or lose with her, just know what you will and won’t tolerate from her. If she gets angry, that is a sign that you are making headway.

    You’re emotions are valuable. They are there to tell you something. “I don’t like this,” “this feels uncomfortable,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I would rather be doing this.” When we ignore our feelings, we ignore ourselves. You can’t change people but you can change what you accept from them. You can’t change circumstances always, but you can change how you feel in them.

    You’re not mean for pulling back. You’re not bad for having boundaries and delivering consequences (appropriate or inappropriate, doesn’t matter.) The reason I say it doesn’t matter is because coming up with appropriate consequences takes a lot of time and effort. Put in the time for your daughter, but for everyone else, if one or two consequences happen to be less than “appropriate” who cares, don’t beat yourself up. People who value you and their relationship to you, would not keep violating your boundaries to begin with. Healthy people don’t violate others for the heck of it, and healthy people also don’t allow others to violate them without consequence.

    I pray that you find others who will appreciate you and show you the love that you are so eager to show others!

    #105035
    trisha
    Participant

    Thank you!! What truths you have shared! I know when you enter diff families, people do things differently… but I have been married into this family for over 20 years, and I am tired of making the effort. My stepdaughter and her husband are the worse. I go to their children’s parties with my husband, always bringing gifts, and my son-in-law just totally ignores me. My husband and I will hand him his gift and he says thank you to my husband, but not me. I actually got my stepdaughter her job that she has now, she works with me… so how much more can a person do> but I am done. I told my husband, he can get the gifts and do the parties. Their daughter’s dance recital is coming up, and I really do not want to go.

    I know some of my problem is expecting too much from people… but a thank you, an acknowledgement?

    You hit the nail on the head with my daughter… I would agree. She does not respect me.

    I need a mantra that I will say each day to myself… I think I have lost my self worth in all of this and I need to figure out how to get it back. I feel pretty beaten up. And I don’t like it!! But then the guilt comes in if I am not doing what I think I should be…

    I have been programmed to think that I should be doing X, so when I don’t, I feel guilty. I should get this mean person a gift because he is related to me… I don’t like doing it, but I feel bad if I don’t.

    I am rambling… your message is right on with lots for me to think of and digest.

    #105039
    PreacherGirl
    Participant

    Amen!! Glad I could be of service 🙂

    #105045
    PreacherGirl
    Participant

    Trisha, it’s too bad you can’t send private messages on TinyBudda. I just sent you a message via your website. Hope to hear from you soon!

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