Dear Tri808:

I can’t express myself better than Evan above, my goodness, so very well stated, says I! I have nothing to add to it. If you would like to share more about your relationship with your teenage daughter, the difficulties there, maybe I will have something to add to a future post by you.

anita

Tri808,

I don’t think it’s necessary to “turn off your human emotions.” We just need to distinguish between states of mind and states of being. It is all right to feel hurt or worried in certain situations, but the problem comes about when we let ourselves be hurt or worried all the time in order to compensate for some other, deeper problem.

I like Evan’s sentence, “Feel the present not think the present.” We think in the present, of course, but not of the present. So if you are hurt, just feel the hurt, without fixating on what is hurting you. When you are worried, just feel the worry, without fixating on the source of worry. Then the emotions will wash over you like flowing water. Otherwise you will be living in a past that you can’t do over, or in a future that you can only marginally control.

Thank you so much for your question. You remind me so much of myself, constantly pouring out love on others, only to feel punished for doing so. Nothing is wrong with you. You are living in accordance with who you are. You are apparently surrounded by people who do not share your values and world view.

I’m a Christian too, and while it’s true that we should give because it will make us feel good, it will only make us feel good if it makes others happy! If your gifts are rejected and despised, they are no longer seen as gifts to the recipient. Stop casting your pearls before swine. Not calling your in-laws pigs, but they obviously have no more appreciation for your love and light than a little piggy has for pearls.

And as far as your daughter, hopefully you feel secure and sure of the fact that she loves you, because right now it sounds like she doesn’t respect you very much. You must assert yourself and be stern, not harsh with your words, just set boundaries and communicate consequences for violating those boundaries. If she finds ways to get around you, each time she finds a loophole, circle back with a new and better consequence. Don’t get into thinking that you must win or lose with her, just know what you will and won’t tolerate from her. If she gets angry, that is a sign that you are making headway.

You’re emotions are valuable. They are there to tell you something. “I don’t like this,” “this feels uncomfortable,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I would rather be doing this.” When we ignore our feelings, we ignore ourselves. You can’t change people but you can change what you accept from them. You can’t change circumstances always, but you can change how you feel in them.

You’re not mean for pulling back. You’re not bad for having boundaries and delivering consequences (appropriate or inappropriate, doesn’t matter.) The reason I say it doesn’t matter is because coming up with appropriate consequences takes a lot of time and effort. Put in the time for your daughter, but for everyone else, if one or two consequences happen to be less than “appropriate” who cares, don’t beat yourself up. People who value you and their relationship to you, would not keep violating your boundaries to begin with. Healthy people don’t violate others for the heck of it, and healthy people also don’t allow others to violate them without consequence.

I pray that you find others who will appreciate you and show you the love that you are so eager to show others!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by PreacherGirl.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by PreacherGirl.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by PreacherGirl.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by PreacherGirl.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by PreacherGirl.

Amen!! Glad I could be of service 🙂