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How do you handle a relationship where there are no way to be together freely?

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  • #375479
    Eva
    Participant

    It is a very complicated situation. He was my friend for 5 years and I met him because my previous ex was best friend with him. Later when I ended things with my ex, my ex distanced from his friends, and his friend stayed friend with me. After 8 months from my previous ex break up, we hooked up. Everything was perfect, we really connected. But,we sat down one day and talked about all the chances how we can be together or how is it possible. Sadly, we couldn’t find a reasonable idea how to be free in a relationship because one of the mutual friends from the group of friends from my previous ex was his ex. So there are two exes in the friends group and we are together. We couldn’t find a way how to handle this and be together. We said, okay we are not gonna think about this now, we are going with the flow, enjoying. We did enjoy, for 6 months. But the iritating part for me was because we stayed a friend group without my ex but with his ex, with who I am a friend too without knowing about this (later I found out they were dating, when we were together, because they were secretly going out.) . I had a bad intiution that somehow he still has feelings for her, even thought he says that they were on a friendly terms now and everything is okay. well, after 6 months, and a little fight because I felt like he was making fun of me in front of the friends group (with his ex there), he decided that we should end this because:

    -he was 24 and I was 22, he needed to think of a serious relationships and getting married (although saying that I was the perfect girl with every trait that he was searching for in a girl)

    -there were no chances for us to be a public relationship because it’s not moral (even though we entered this relationship while we were single and without any recent break up, and also he is still friend with my ex and his ex, and I am just friend with his ex who doesn’t know that I know about their relationship), and he says that he feels stupid in front of my ex when they see each other (they see each other 3x in a year)

    -I asked him politely if he has any chances of getting back with her (his ex)? and he said maybe, i don’t know what the future holds. MAYBE?

    So everything feels like a like now, and like I was just a fuck-game or just a time pass thing. I feel like I am betrayed even though he wants us to stay best friends, because he opened to me about everything etc. But I feel like there is something very wrong here and I am very angry. I feel like I am angry and on all that society thinking, how the exes are going to feel? Is there really not a way for us to be together? it’s not that hard isn’t it?

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Eva.
    #375481
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Eva,

    I’ll start with your last question:

    “Is there really not a way for us to be together? it’s not that hard isn’t it?”

    Under normal circumstances it wouldn’t be such a complicated situation. If the two of you really cared about each other, and you’ve clicked perfectly, as you say, having exes in your social circle wouldn’t be such an insurmountable problem. It might be uncomfortable at first, but with time those exes (and your other friends) would get used to the idea that the two of you are together, and if they don’t, you could always stop hanging out with them, I’d imagine.

    However, your boyfriend is making it complicated, and there might be more reasons. One is that he probably still has feelings for his ex. He denied it, saying they were just friends, but if he was secretly seeing her while the two of you were dating, if he now isn’t sure that he doesn’t want to get back to her, and he’s making fun of you in front of her – well, all those are signs that he still has feelings for her. Regardless of how much the two of you clicked.

    The other reason, which he gives, is that he feels awkward about having exes in your friends circle, not just his ex, but apparently your ex too (although he sees him only three times a year). He says it’s “not moral”. Considering that he still has feelings for his ex, he’s probably more concerned about his ex and that it’s not “moral” towards her, rather than your ex. Although he might feel guilty for having “betrayed” his friend, since they were best friends before. So that may play into his feeling of “being immoral”.

    You said:

    “But, we sat down one day and talked about all the chances how we can be together or how is it possible. Sadly, we couldn’t find a reasonable idea how to be free in a relationship because one of the mutual friends from the group of friends from my previous ex was his ex. “

    That was before it turned out he still might have feelings for his ex girlfriend. Were you okay hanging around with her, or it bothered you already then? Or it was mostly him who said it would be impossible to behave freely with you when she’s around?

    Did you then keep your relationship secret for those 6 months, or how did it play out?

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by TeaK.
    #375483
    Eva
    Participant

    Everything you say I think it too. It makes sense honestly.

    We were secretly dating, no one knew. But the thing is he was secretly dating her ex also. He told me because his sister once suspected and I asked when we were together, so he said yes. So, in their relationship there were no reasons why not to be public but they still were secret.

    #375484
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Eva,

    so he was secretly dating his ex, but not while the two of you were together, but before that? (I misunderstood earlier that he was meeting with his ex while the two of you were dating).

    Well, it’s curious they would keep it a secret. Because I guess at that time he didn’t have any “moral” reasons to keep it a secret. Maybe she did?

    In any case, you were put in a situation where you needed to hide your love for him, not to hurt someone else’s feelings. You said you both agreed to it (“we couldn’t find a reasonable idea how to be free in a relationship“), but how did you feel about that?

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by TeaK.
    #375486
    Eva
    Participant

    For the misunderstanding, before me they were dating secretly, I found out about the dating after we hooked up. And she still doesn’t know anything about me and him dating.

    That’s what really is bugging me, he keeps dating secretly. I don’t know any other girlfriend who has dated although he was saying that he had a past with many girlfriends.

    It was hard for me, to not be free in a relationship, to hide, because we are not children anymore, we can be in a relationship like anyone else. But he kept saying that our situation is difficult and it can’t be public. I’m furious honestly… Because he told me such stuff, romantic, believing him that we will find a way, and he just finished it. I have problem now that I don’t know how to stay friends, close (he want that, I also did…but it’s hard), and I don’t know how to behave with his ex who is my friend now and she is constantly in contact with me. It’s just feels painful because it seems like he choose her over me…

    #375488
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Eva:

    He kept his dating the other woman in the group a secret from the group (and from others outside the group perhaps), and he kept his dating you a secret. He suggested to you that the relationship with you is “not moral”.

    Many people view the bible as the authority on morality: of what is right/good behavior and what is wrong/bad behavior. I believe that parts of the bible do teach morality very well. Here is one such part, John 8:31-32: “Jesus said… ‘If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”.

    If a secret can make a difference between life and death, then it is right thing to keep that secret. If a secret can protect an innocent child from great emotional pain, then it’s right to keep that secret. But within a group of young adults, no life and death situation, no children involved, keeping the secrets he’s been keeping is amoral, that is: not moral: it deceives all the members in the group!

    What if you set yourself, this man, the other woman and everyone else in the group free and undo the secret: tell the truth?

    anita

    #375490
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Eva,

    “But he kept saying that our situation is difficult and it can’t be public. I’m furious honestly… Because he told me such stuff, romantic, believing him that we will find a way, and he just finished it.”

    It’s totally understandable that you’re upset. His habit of dating in secret isn’t normal and I guess he is manipulating you by saying that he’s worried about moral implications, when in reality, there’s nothing immoral about you two being together – except his own lies, because it would turn out that he’s dated other girls from your circle in secret. As Anita said, it’s not just immoral towards you and his ex (and possibly other girls), but towards other members of the group as well.

    I don’t know what motivates him to do that, there must be something in his psychology that drives him, but it’s not necessarily your task to find out why and help him change. I wouldn’t even stay friends with him, because of his manipulative nature.

    “I don’t know how to behave with his ex who is my friend now and she is constantly in contact with me.”

    Actually, Anita might be right, probably you should just tell her (or tell someone else in your friends group, whom you trust). There’s no point in playing along in his scam and allowing him to fool everybody.

    It’s just feels painful because it seems like he choose her over me…

    No, I don’t think he chose her over you – he fooled her too. So I think it’s best to say goodbye to him, because with his current mindset, he’ll just cause you more pain.

     

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