Melody,

I’m very sorry for the painfulness and difficulty you’re going through, and know how painful it can be to sit with a void and wonder what to do. You’ve mentioned that you’re christian, which I deeply respect, and don’t wish to present value conflicts. Your marriage seems to be lacking something that you need, and so it is very natural and usual to imagine a life where you are fulfilled. Have you ever been attracted to your husband? Are you considering divorce? Have you considered any intimacy workshops? Quite often our perception of our partner’s beauty arises in the mind, in our trust, in our belief in their goodness… not from the shape and proportions of their body.

To address your questions of “how much imagination” or how do we balance fantasy and reality… we work with what is. For instance, it does no good to imagine sculpting while we have a canvas in front of us and a paintbrush in our hand. It does no good to imagine painting while we have a chisel and a block of granite. The deeper question that arises is “how do we use our desire?”

To bring it back to your dance’s particular melody, you have a lot of components and tools and options. And there are components and tools and options you do not have. It is fine to imagine a path, a dance, that uses what you have to move your heart along a path of joy. What is unhelpful is to imagine what a life lived could have been, if only this and that. Its unnecessary and distracting. You already have the desire, the inner spirit to grow your garden from where you are now. The question is really “what do you want?”

One thing that burdens my heart to see is how sometimes people feel afraid that God will judge them for following their heart. It just isn’t that way! God is the illumination of our heart, and as we act on our desires, if they align with God we feel grace. If they do not, we feel pain. Its only because we get confused, and step away from what our heart tells us that the feeling of emotional pain arises. Said differently, when we act from the heart we are the manifestation of heaven, and reap all of the beauty we sow. When we turn our back on our heart, of course it is painful in comparison.

Don’t be afraid, dear sister, of the hopes and dreams of your heart… they are what will lead you home, wherever that might be. And wherever that is, because you followed your heart, love will be with you, and grace will be the gift that flows into and around you.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Melody,

I’m not sure how much help my advice will be as I have not been married before but a couple of things sprung to mind when reading your question. Firstly I think you need to understand that making yourself happy should be primary- you are not going to keep your husband and daughter happy in a pretend world where really you are not fulfilled. My parents separated when I was 19 after 35 years together and I was happy for them because they were both so much happier and able to be true to their individual selves when separated. You mentioned being concerned with living in the present and basically if you are living a life you are not happy with you are wasting your present. What are you going to feel towards the end of your life? It is up to you to change your life if you are not content and this could end up having nothing to do with this other man but the knowledge that this path isn’t the right one for you anymore! Don’t beat yourself up so much, you cannot help how you feel and you are not responsible for other peoples happiness. Separating is hard, it is hard to see someone you care about in pain and it is easy to appease them by continuing the relationship but that’s not going to help you or him!

Be strong, Lily

Hello Melody:

Having been where you are, and come out from it with happiness and joy, I can feel much compassion for your position.

I found that seeking to fill what “I” want was at the very crux of the issue. The most important question is/was what does God want? I really love what Matt had to say about sculpting-that is so beautiful and true- and just as it does no good to imagine sculpting when you are holding a paintbrush, it is also unhelpful to pursue that which is not part of God’s purpose and plan for your life. Yes. He will allow us to use our free will, and it may feel great for awhile- but we may find ourselves out of line with His best. And His best will NEVER contradict His word. Living the surrendered life is all a part of the Christian way of life. We both know what The Word says about marriage and covenants. Ask Him to help you and He will. He is faithful.

So, rather than pursue this pain, remember Romans 12:2 ” Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” This was very powerful for me- as was knowing that when we sow a thought, we can reap an action. We can discipline our minds with God’s gentle truths. We can think our thoughts on purpose.

Meditate on this truth:
Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

May God bless you on your journey.

Lori