Dear Zulaika:

It is difficult for me to move on to another thread after reading your plea for help.

You were sexually abused for eight years, from age 5-13. Lately you told your mother. Her response was to tell you that “all girls go through this”- by saying this, she is implying that it is not a big deal, and she is very wrong about that. She told you that you “have to get over it”-

Why wasn’t her response anger at the uncle and cousins? Why is it your job to get over it and not their job to not sexually abuse a child?

You wrote: “I’m not able to forget it I still have nightmares n I go into panic attack if anyone so much as touches me”- you were harmed by eight years of sexual abuse and no healing from it, no one- including your mother- offering you help. You suffer greatly because, unlike your mother’s input, being sexually abused is a big deal!

You wrote: “my mom thinks I’m old enough to get married and has arranged my marriage. I don’t know what to do. all I want is to run away from everyone n go somewhere and start over.being a girl and a Muslim and an Indian has lot of disadvantage.”-

Did you meet the arranged husband? Do you know anything about him?

Is there a way for you to run away and start over? Any organization maybe, in India, maybe a UN (United Nations) organization that offers shelter for women in your situation?

Again, regarding “I don’t want to dissapoint my family”- disappointment is a great understatement to describe what your family (uncle, cousins, mother, and every other person who did not notice, or cared to notice the suffering of a child) have done to you!

I hope to read back from you.

anita

Dear Zulaika:

You are welcome, Zulaika. Your story touched my heart and it still does. I do hope life gets better for you.

Somehow, I hope you have the opportunity to slowly heal from the sexual abuse you suffered, so you are less and less anxious, calmer.

I understand the pressure that comes from one’s family and society to conform, in your case to get married soon. I understand the fear of judgment: your mother’s fear of judgment of people around her: what will they think (or … what do they already think).

I think it is not abnormal for a woman of 25 to not want to get married and have children. Knowing your history, it is understandable that you fear physical touch by men. To your last question: “Is it wrong to not want those things (marriage and children)?” My answer: no, it is not wrong! Not at all.

If immigrating to the U.S., is possible for you, I hope you do! Living in a different society, where judgment is less on the issue of marriage, will be helpful to you!

Post again, anytime.

anita

Hi Zulaika,

Is there a US embassy you can go to to apply for coming to United States? Don’t ever give up. Is there any kind of work that you want to do? Can you apply for a work/study scholarship?

Dear Zulaika:

You wrote: ” I just wanted to make them happy n proud of me because I knew I don’t want to get married maybe this way at least they will have something else to be proud”- It is natural for a child, and an adult child, to want to make one’s parents proud. But I do hope that soon enough, you will no longer be motivated to make them proud, but instead, that you will be motivated to act in your best interest regardless of your parents’ pride or lack of.

You wrote: “everywhere I turn it’s like full of lies”- stick to the truth. Live your life in accordance with the truth.

Post again, anytime.

anita