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How To Become Confident In The Face of Challenges

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  • July 9, 2013 at 5:43 pm #38304
    Ruben
    Participant

    I’ve noticed something about myself. I am inclined to run away from my problems if they seem too challenging. I know this sounds immature, but I first noticed this in a video game. I played the story of the game and enjoyed up until the point where I started to have difficulties and it got sort of spooky. As soon as I noticed that I was completing the mission with as much ease as before, I didn’t feel like playing the game. In other games where the plot was bright and then turned spooky, I suddenly didn’t feel like playing. After I shut off the “difficult” game, I start to play a different game that I not only completed, but have played so much that I know every step of my opponent in said game.

    I started to reflect and noticed that I began to miss numerous days of school once the class started to learn a lesson that I was having difficulty understanding. I began to miss day after day until I had miss 70% of my school year! I even started to withdraw from social interactions because I didn’t want to “fail” and be rejected. I also stopped drawing because aspects like shadowing and perspective were very difficult and I couldn’t master it right away. I consistently give up once my the task becomes difficult, regardless of whether I used to enjoy it or not. This has caused me to become stagnant in my life’s progression and actively not attempt to pursue any aspiration. I don’t suggest ideas that could benefit others and I don’t try to change the status of my life.

    I sort of gave up because nothing is easy anymore. I am currently both very depressed and socially anxious and have intermittently abused my prescription drugs for its “feel good” effect.

    What I want to know is what to do to become more confident and motivated to achieve or perform a task even though I believe, very highly, that I will fail, be belittled, or that I won’t be able to understand the idea that someone is teaching me.

    I am fine with any advice given to me. I just want a different perspective than my own of this problem.

    July 9, 2013 at 6:33 pm #38307
    Matt
    Participant

    Carl,

    You ask some great questions! I’m very impressed with the amount of self awareness you have, as you’ve noticed how you’re bouncing between different experiences (such as giving up and why and the feelings). I know it seems overwhelming and depressing in this moment, but there is always a path to joy.

    It seems like your main error is you are only getting nourished by success. This might be a very old pattern, or a parent who only expressed love when you did well. I’ve seen others in the same boat (I struggled with it as well) and have some words about what to do.

    The first thing is to accept that failure is inevitable. Edison, for example, had far more failures than successes. Failure is ripe with information, ways to do things differently, and the chance to improve our skills. Even Buddha tried for years to find the cause of suffering from many, many teachers… and its said that it was only after he failed and gave up that he attained enlightenment. Failure is not bad, it is part of learning.

    So, if we are destined to fail time and again, how to we maintain esteem? My teacher told me that confidence rooted in approval was doomed to erode, because we aren’t perfect. However, we can begin to generate authentic confidence that is unshakable. This confidence is rooted in our intention.

    If we intend to improve our life, our skills, our minds (which you’re already doing) then we do naturally get better. We jump in, and as we succeed and fail, we realize that we’ve been pouring our heart into each moment. We struggle, feel icky, feel great, fall down… over and over, but that heart has been beating, moving us onward with each moment… always growing and learning. Once we respect that, the confidence quickly grows because you know.

    For instance, if you attempt the “act as if” principle and notice the difference, you won’t need to succeed in anyone’s eyes. You won’t need testimony. You’ll know. You’re already aware of your emotions and actions, so as you watch them improve, you’ll know you’re doing the do… growing and changing.

    In my opinion, counting breath meditation is very helpful with anxiety. Consider youtubing “jayasaro counting breaths” for a simple technique.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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