Menu

Ruben

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #46166
    Ruben
    Participant

    Hey Singer. =)

    I agree with Sandy’s advice. You should go for it. Some guys aren’t as confident as they seem on the exterior and this guy might be waiting for you to show some sort of interest in him before he does anything. And I think inviting him to have coffee or a drink and just talk is the perfect thing to do.

    Also, you definitely do not need to worry about “living alone for your whole life”, because you seem like you’re actively seeking social connections. Don’t focus on the “what ifs”. Just relax, don’t take yourself too seriously, and I absolutely believe that you will be just fine.

    Carl

    #41519
    Ruben
    Participant

    I see. That must be a lonely and painful experience. I’m sorry you have to go through that.

    Before I give you my opinion, I wanted to ask you for yours. What is your subjective opinion on how you should respond to your friends and family?

    #40961
    Ruben
    Participant

    Hey Kumo,

    I can understand in a way what you’re going through. Your post is almost how my life was. I remember being very subconscious about whether or not I fit in, having trouble making actual friends, being sensitive to off-the-cuff statements or remarks. I would watch the people around me to see if I was acting the right way, getting the right response, saying the right thing. Being terrified that someone could find out that I’m anxious or depressed and then leaving me because of it. It’s difficult to not be anxious or depressed when you have all of these fears.

    Being bullied is always very difficult to go through. Feelings of social anxiety are very common after unfortunate situations like that. You seem to have a belief that there is something wrong with you, and that’s not true at all. There is nothing wrong with you. These feelings that you are experiencing are normal for any person to have.

    Also, it’s okay to ask for help and rely on others. That’s what most people do to understand their problems. I believe that your suggestion to see a professional is a good idea. In the mean time, if you would like to talk to someone, I would be happy to help. Although, I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist myself, I have gone through your exact situation and ended up finding answers to those same questions you ask and becoming comfortable with people and being happy with who I am. So if you would like help finding answers and understanding your situation, feel free to email me at Clajoie94@gmail.com

    I don’t want you to feel pressured to email me if you don’t want to. I only want to help you because I know what it’s like to want to solve your depression by yourself because you’re afraid of what your people would think. But the choice is up to you.

    #40958
    Ruben
    Participant

    I’m glad you feel better Billy. It was my pleasure to help you. I believe that no matter the situation, you won’t be stuck in it. I hope I can help you remove the misplaced hatred from your dream.

    I’m sorry that the negativity around you has made you feel trapped in negative emotions.

    I believe I can shed some light on the motives of the people around you and possibly get you out of that poisonous circle, but I have a question because I was a little confused by what you said. You said that you felt trapped because the people you despise want your dream and that you wanted to travel to find people who would be real friends, but, at the same time, you referred to the despised group of people, the same group of people who became envious and resentful because you are following your dream, as the closest human beings to you.

    Why do you label them as the closest human beings to you?

    #40672
    Ruben
    Participant

    Hey Billy

    First off, I have to say, you are an absolute inspiration. To have a childhood like that, issues to deal with like the ones you have, to care for the sister you hate, visit the parent who hurt you, and search for a way to have the life you deserve is absolutely incredible. A lot of people, out there, live a life half as difficult as yours and they have given up. Your persistence and confidence to leave your house and support yourself is amazing. People like you, who are willing to go out and get the life you deserve, are a minority in our world. So I just want to say that you are definitely someone I hope to be like, one day.

    Now I may sound delusional for saying this, but I think while you and your sister can travel, I believe you have something she doesn’t. The ability to genuinely appreciate those travels. She seems to have most, if not all, things handed to her. When someone lives a life like that, they can never appreciate what they have or can do. You can appreciate it, though. Because you know what it’s like to not have what you want, so when you do travel, if you haven’t already, then it will always be an insurmountably better experience than hers. Even if you go to the same place. Because it doesn’t seem like it’s her actual dream, since it’s announced right after it has now become so easily attainable through her husband’s job.

    But you, on the other hand, have been dreaming about this from early on, in your life. When you travel, it won’t be like the experience that an ordinary person would have. It will be extraordinary. The average person would take a picture on their phone and bring up the location during casual conversations. It’s just an ice breaker for them. But for you, every step and breath in that foreign area will become a life long experience. An experience that you didn’t have for your little sister, or your parents, but for you. Because when you lay on your bed, you can say to yourself, that regardless of any mistakes you make or made, at least you accomplished your dream. Something that a lot of people never do in their entire lifetime.

    Your dream of traveling the world will always be your dream, regardless of how many times anyone says it is theirs. I might be mistaken, but I feel that you don’t want to travel for the simple pleasure of saying you have, you want to travel because you want to live your life alongside people who appreciate and care for you. That is the life you deserve.
    It is a life that has never been out of your grasp because you have fought and struggled for that dream. It’s a dream that always has the potential to be fulfilled and can never be taken from you because it is the dream of such a courageous person, like yourself.

    I’m sorry for rambling and I’m not sure if this answered your question, but I hope it helped in someway.

    #38152
    Ruben
    Participant

    And thank you Joel, for offering your support. I will definitely take you up on that offer. I feel much more hopeful after hearing everyone’s responses.

    From now on, the only thing I’m giving up on is trying to be perfect when life is much more fun just being myself.

    Thank you everyone. Wish you all peace and a resolution to any problems that ails you.

    #38151
    Ruben
    Participant

    Matt. You are very correct about what I need to in regards to how I react to my mistakes. Whenever I make a mistake, I berate myself for hours on end for committing them. I ignored unpleasant emotions and told myself that I need to be perfect. I even went as far as to create the actual traits and qualities of the ideal me. Looking at it now, this idealistic person isn’t human. He is supernatural and with the “perfect” life that he was expected to live, the only result would be absolute solitude due to a lack of being able to relate. Because it’s pain that draws people together. The ability to relate through pain is what draws people close in a way greater to that of any international social networking site. I mean, on this very page right now are 6 individuals, myself included, who are brought together by one specific common trait. Not our eye color, or our choice of music, but because we all have experienced the feeling of wanting to be the best and subsequently giving up. If we had past each other on the street, we would have never said a word and now the four of you are taking time out of your day to console me. Somebody, you didn’t know longer than 24 hours.

    It makes me realize just how terrible being perfect would have been. I would have never known that I had a chance of being accepted for being a “failure”. I would have been ignorant and arrogant toward this very real and common feeling. I will start to notice my feelings because of their ability to allow me to understand people even if I don’t know anything other than their first name. Letting go and allowing myself to plunge into the emotion might just allow me to finally take a breath and relax.

    But then again, I’m not all that smart, so maybe I’m wrong about what I just said. But regardless of whether I’m right or wrong, I am thankful to you, matt, and everyone who took the time to help me. It means a tremendous amount.

    #38149
    Ruben
    Participant

    Thank you Lucia and Matt for your time and support.

    You know Lucia, I thought about your question. What would I say if my best friend had told me the words I typed. When I thought of it that way, I could really see what was my problem.

    I realized that the reason my life feels unfulfilled is because I don’t actually want to live life. I simply want to exist in a world where I don’t have hardships or if I do have hardships, they are easily surmountable and that’s not what hardships are. A life void of problems is a delusional, awful nightmare. I don’t know if I understand completely, but I see the purpose of hardships. They push us to do things we normally wouldn’t do. Whenever I felt like this, I would have kept this to myself and go on with my day, feeling terrible. But now I am voicing my problems to a public forum. That is not how I normally go about my life. The difference between “those who push forward” and me is that the ones who push forward adapt to the changes in life. I just become immobilized when faced with change. That’s like a baby learning to walk, falling down, and deciding to stay down for the rest of his or her life. Why would the baby do that when it just needs to realize it is down and compensate for the mistake with an adjustment in footing. My method of handling problems is irrational, but I use it consistently. Recurrent negative emotions are expected from a method like that.

    I never realized how absurd I was being in my life. I am still going to my relative’s house, but when I’m there I will adapt to the changes that I face instead of using the same trite, tired response.

    Thank you Lucia for telling me to ask myself that and for your kind hearted wishes.

    #38142
    Ruben
    Participant

    Thank you to both of you for your hugs and for trying.

    I have decided that I am going to move away to another country to live with some family for a month. Where they live, life is very different than here in America. It is comforting to know that people have experienced my fears and disappointment in their own lives, and I genuinely appreciate that you two would share something like that with me.

    I don’t know what I want or what to ask to find the answer that to the unfulfilled part of my life. What I do know is that I don’t want the feelings associated with this lifestyle. I want to know what am I doing wrong that makes me different from everyone else who seems to be able to press on. I understand that their lives have numerous hardships, but they keep on pressing on. Why can’t I do that. If I get depressed, I just stop moving forward for days maybe months at a time. I want to live life.

    I want to know the reason why I am unhappy. What is it that I missing from my equation that is causing my life to equal recurrent and crippling hopelessness and despair.

    I am not saying I want an answer because these questions aren’t very simple in nature, but any response will do.

    #35859
    Ruben
    Participant

    Hello Deanna. I’m very glad that you reached out to find a solution to your problem. I can empathize with what you shared as I have just recently gotten out of a similar situation and now I’m happy. Which leads me to believe That I have the solution to your dilemma. Now I am not a therapist, psychologist, or a professional counselor in anyway, I’ve been told that I have a gift for insight when it comes to understanding others. If you wouldn’t mind, I would like to talk to you through email. Of course, you don’t have to do this in anyway if you don’t want to. What I am hoping for is that by conversing through email, I could analyze and solve each individual problem as well as correct your maladaptive self-perception. Please consider it. I look forward to talking to you. My email address is below.

    Clajoie94@gmail.com

    #35463
    Ruben
    Participant

    You are not being selfish, nor ungrateful. It’s perfectly acceptable to have these thoughts. You are going through a rough time. Unfortunately that’s comes with being alive.

    But what’s great about you, and what I find so amazingly inspiring, is that where others would have let this difficult time thrust them into a state of inactivity, you continue to press on. You are going through this difficult time and you, not only have your mind in the right place by remembering what you have to be thankful for, but you are also consistently trying to resolve the issues within your job. Your dedication is truly remarkable.

    I’m not too familiar with finance, so I can’t really offer any direction in that area, but one thing I know for sure is that you have not failed. People fail when they come face-to-face with an obstacle and they just stare at it and say, “well, time to give up”, but you come face-to-face with an obstacle and you think of how to get around it, over it, through it because that’s who you are. You are someone who succeeds because you know what you want. Your desire isn’t some fickle idea floating about. It’s a tangible goal that you know you can accomplish because you are you. Simple as that.

    I know you have done this already, but keep on trying to brainstorm on a new solution, a new idea, a new method that could possibly work. Try to learn from other people’s successes and mistakes in order to perfect your bar. And remember that you aren’t alone. You have your co-workers and friends to aid you, and if not that, then you have a loving fiancĂ© to help you. One of the great things about marriage is that it teaches you that you are on a team and to depend on someone other than yourself.

    I honestly, genuinely, whole-heartedly believe you can resolve the problem. There are people out there who wouldn’t be able to deal with what you are going through and you are definitely one of the few among us who can overcome this.
    What you’re going through is like when one goes through a tunnel. It’s dark for a while, but if you keep walking you will get to the light on the other side. Just keep walking Natalie, and everything will turn out alright.

    I would wish you good luck, but you don’t need it.

    #35461
    Ruben
    Participant

    You know Onder, I’m really glad I found this post because that what’s I’m going through right now. I have social anxiety and procrastinate from even the smallest tasks in order to save myself from looking foolish or even failing. I’ve done it since I entered high school and I been doing it even now and I will be 20 next year. I don’t foresee myself really accomplishing anything, doing anything significant, or being as great as I believe I could be. Any advice or method to overcoming this would be much appreciated.

    #35460
    Ruben
    Participant

    Nobody should be all alone.

    Sarah, I know it can’t ease your pain, but I am sorry for what has happen to you and I’m sorry that you have felt alone for so long. I know what it’s like to feel so alone. To wish for someone, anyone, to talk to you, to text you, to think of you at any point the day, so that you will know that at least the thought of you crossed someone’s mind even if it was just for a second. To walk amongst crowds and still feel like you’re walking alone in the streets. To feel hopeless and worthless. Wondering what has to be wrong with you to not be able to receive a simple hi, even when you’ve done as much as you could possibly do, gave as much as you could possibly give to a friendship or relationship. To be alone staring at your phone, in the hopes it would ring and you could finally be consoled by the sweet melody of someone else’s voice.
    I’m know that I’m no one special. I’m just some guy from across the net, but I want to assure you that you don’t have to be alone. Not anymore. Because I would like to be your friend, if you would be so kind as to have me. A person with a heart as big as yours is a rarity in our world and I would be honored to be able to say that I know someone like yourself.

    #35459
    Ruben
    Participant

    I understand what you mean. It is difficult to remove any protective wall you have, whether it be physical like make up or something emotional like suppressing your feelings.
    When I was in high school, I suffered from depression because I believed I was inadequate and a failure. I wanted to be like the other kids who were experiencing life and being happy with who they were, but I wasn’t and I knew that. I knew I was different and it definitely brought my self-esteem down. I felt like I was in a class system with everyone else on top and me on the bottom. So I suppressed any emotion that was negative in order to create this facade of a perpetually happy guy, so that no one would see the depressed kid underneath. But it didn’t make me feel like them, it made me feel very alone.
    When I finally discarded this facade and accepted who I was, I began to feel so much better about myself than when I was faking it.
    If you spend a day, an afternoon, or even a minute without make up on, I believe that no one would think any less of you. In my opinion, a woman’s beauty is determined by how she feels about herself, not by how she looks.
    I can tell that you are a strong person because you were able to reach out on this forum to anyone who’s been through what you have experienced and because you have been struggling with this for a long time and haven’t given up. You are still searching for solutions. Not a lot of people have the willpower to do that. You can definitely beat this fear.

    It doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow, or even within the month, but I hope that sometime in the near future, you can look at your reflection with no make up on and simply say, “I love you for who you are”.

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)