Home→Forums→Tough Times→When the only thing you can do is the only thing you can't do!!
- This topic has 13 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 9 months ago by Ruben.
August 9, 2013 at 4:54 pm #40086
There are some times when you find yourself in a situation that’s like the straw that broke the camel’s back, like a drop that overfilled the glass. Since my childhood I lived a very lousy life,with a lot of problems,loneliness,pain ,abuse etc. But miraculously I’ve always managed to go through everything without losing hope. To get to the point, it’s been three years now that I’ve had a problem I can’t deal with whatsoever. One of the terrible aspects of my life is the family I was born in. Just to keep the story short I’m the fourth child(girl) of a five children family and I’ve been havind bad relationship with my little sister since I can remember. She is the fifth and last child so my parents spoiled her very much whereas they have been very cruel with me.Just an exemple of the uneven treatment is that they always beat me up as the older one to the point that it would take days for my wounds to heal but they never laid a hand on her. So despite of growing up feeling this kind of injustice in everything I always loved her and was a caring sister. But as we were growing up she developed a very selfish personality with no respect and gratitude for me . At some point when we were still living together I didn’t talk to her for a whole year due to my impotence to deal with her disregard and harshness towards me.
When my father gave me no choice but to leave home I was relieved a lot from my family’s burden but I had to go through horrible times to stand on my feet and feel for the first time a little bit free.But at that point, almost three years ago, something happened that may seem stupid to a lot of people but it has turned into an obsession for me for the last three years. During all the previous years and all of the suffering that I have endured in almost every aspect of my life ,because when you start your life badly it goes on worse due to one problem causing the other, I never holded a grudge and never resented god or hated any person that hurt me because one dream kept me alive. I had been dreaming from the early years that one day I would be travelling all around the world,away from all the people that brought upon me so much pain because back then it was the only thing nobody cared about, no one wanted it , no one knew how great it would be so it was the only escape possible for me,exactly because all of the people that were suffocating me would not be there. The big mistake was that I got so hung up on it that I didn’t see how I was developing my own weakness because as I realized later, the things we need end up owning us. So what happened?? My little sister met a wonderful guy, he is successful, handsome and loves her very much. So what are the chances?? He loves travelling and his job includes a paid trip every 6 months so he always takes my sister with him and she always brings souvenirs home( she lives with my mother so I always see them when visiting) and now her dream has become travelling the world and she speaks about it all the time.
So this is the situation in general. My problem is that since it started I have completely lost my mind. Suddenly all the pain that I’ve been repressing in me has turned into hatred,rage and I feel out of control. After that I cry every day as if I’ll cry all I haven’t cried all my life.I can’t sleep,I see it in my nightmares.Any time I hear somebody talking about trips or see something relevant on tv, it makes my stomach move. Now I feel disgust about the thing that holded me through the years so now I feel like collapsing. I don’t recognize myself anymore,all the bad things I’m considering doing in order to restore this injustice since life or god or whoever does nothing about it. What makes me furious is that I find no sufficient answer to this injustice,which I am absolutely aware that represents all the unfair things that I’ve seen in my and in others’ life.I mean how is it possible that I have been always a good person, I have fought so much against evil and I have suffered so much through the best years of a person’s life keeping the FAITH alive and my sister, a selfish,spoiled and ungrateful person who lives only to indulge her whims gets so beautiful things, worthy people to love her and what’s aggravating my rage is that she is LIVING MY DREAM!!!!! Even at this moment, while I’m writing, I feel my hands wanting to smother her.
It’s been three years and I can’t find any remedy to cure myself.Every day I feel worse, I can’t move on because I’m stuck, this hate is asphyxiating me.I can’t cope with this injustice. I can see a meaning in life taking something away from me but why did it have to be specificly the only person I hate, I mean why???? Why do I have to keep my faith strong and my hops up when it’s all meaningless,when goodness makes no sense,when you rarely get a chance to avenge your pain.This question has torn me apart,it’s eating away at me slowly and patiently a single piece every day, I feel sicker before my helplessness to react. I can’t react because I can do no harm,because I can’t show it hurts me because she will feel even better, It’s like the only thing I can do, to ACCEPT it, it’s the only thing I CAN’T do.
I’m so sorry for my rumbling for so long,it’s my first time I share this story with someone ,since I have no friends, and I tried to keep it as short as possible. Anyone who would be interested to answer, please don’t waste your energy in platitudes,in patronizing or condescending advice. No offence to anyone but only an inspired recommendation can do any good to a person to who death seems the only answer any more!!August 9, 2013 at 7:45 pm #40101MattParticipant
I respect your bluntness and direct approach! I will do my best to offer the answer to this stage of your puzzle, if you do your best to utilize it. Namaste. I’ll skip all the why questions, and cut to the what and what now.
You’re caught in a cycle of anger. Buddha said that anger is like a hot ember we hold in our hand with the intention of throwing it at someone, as though burning them will somehow balance the injustice. However, its our hand that gets burned. Said differently, its as though you think you need the anger to balance the injustice, but really you’re just harming yourself. Getting out of it has nothing to do with anyone but you. You put your body into pain needlessly, and if you learn how to do something different your whole perspective will shift and you’ll feel better.
The first thing to do is a Zen trick to get energy moving again. Go into your bedroom, bury your face in a pillow and scream. Get it out, its killing you. Then, flip over and flail your arms around like a madwoman. Go on, I’ll wait. Yeah, right now.
OK, whew. Now, do you notice how you are tingling all over? That’s your energy. (You did go and scream, right?). When you see travel or think about your sister, that energy gets stuck cycling around… your dream is very powerful for you, and to see her living it? She gets to travel the world while you’re stuck at a job? She sees all those sights? That undeserving bitch? Feel the cycling? Feel free to go have another scream if you need to.
Now, to stop the cycling you can do a metta practice. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “metta” which gives a simple practice. What it does is shift the flavor of your energy from “hate” to “loving-kindness”. The energy is exactly the same, so after some practice, that which inspires hate will inspire love. It is effective, and simple, and you are not the first hateful person to find happiness. If you do it for 30 minutes a day for 40 days, the hate should be uprooted. Feel free to scream and flail as needed during the 40 days.
There… platitude free, condescending free. You’re a big girl, and have the raw potency to take your life back, so do it.
MattAugust 9, 2013 at 10:10 pm #40119Sapnap3Participant
Matt always has amazing insights and listening to him, however hard it seems right Now, always helps.
Let me give u a younger sister point view. I am the youngest Of 3 girls. My parents were very hard on my sisters but by the time I was born they had no energy to deal with me. I was raised by neighbors and uncles. Whenever I was around my parents from the outside to everyone it seemed like they said yes to everything I wanted but the only thing I wanted was their attention. I acted up. I hurt myself by falling down and making my face bloody so that my parents could give me attention.
Me and my middle sister still have a rocky relationship because she thinks I have everything in this world. See my parents brought me to america to give me a better life. They had to leave my sisters in India cause they were over 18 (its 12 and 9 yr age difference). My middle sister went through a lot alone. She did have my older sister who always has been closer to her than me but she still had a very hard time. At times I know my sister hates me but she fails to see that I have been alone all my life. My parents rely on me for their happiness. They treat me differently cause they have tied their hopes and dreams to me. Do u know how much pressure that is? I go from guy to guy to guy just to get married and get me out of my misery cause my parents say that the only reason they don’t cry to my sisters is because they are married.
Everyday they say to me …oh we were done after your sisters but god gave u to us to make us happy. My mothers hold that on my head everyday to even get small things done.
I started posting on TB cause my ex broke my heart. Now after crying everyday for 35+ days, meditating and exercising, I am finally getting a little better. I am telling u this because all that glitters is not gold. I always act happy in front of my family. I travel. My ex had a traveling job too. Heck he actually lived in paradise, the Italian alps. What everyone failed to see was my unhappiness. He and I didn’t get along. I was just looking for a way to get away from my parent so i stayed with someone who couldn’t even stand me. My middle sister always tells me that I have the best life. I have money and I travel. What she doesn’t see is the lonely girl sitting in a corner waiting to be picked up.
Please know that everyone has their demons. No one has a so called perfect life. Granted u have been mistreated but do yourself a favor and stop mistreating yourself. You sound like an amazing person and I only read a post from u. Don’t you think u deserve to be happy?August 10, 2013 at 2:38 pm #40151Marilyn Briant-RockmoreParticipant
Like me once upon a time, you are a strong and beautiful person who is killing herself with negative emotions…and you know this.
What would change if your sister died tomorrow? What would happen to all that hate?
Would you continue to feel it or would you just let it go? Would it turn into guilt or would you be able to move on and live the life you want to live?
Does the object of your hate have to be removed from your life before you accept that no-one is taking anything away from you? How does it feel to carry all that hate around inside you every day?
I have not posted these questions because you need to answer them for me, or anyone else, but I am absolutely certain you will find it is helpful if you answer them for yourself.
Love and peace,
MarilynAugust 13, 2013 at 2:31 am #40334chupacabraParticipant
Billy, thank you for writing your story. I’ve certainly felt alone in my anger and hurt at times, and suffered needlessly because of it. The guidance that everyone has provided in response to your post is so thoughtful and helpful – I wish I had something equally helpful to offer, but really I just wanted to thank you. I needed this guidance, too, and I would not have gotten it if you hadn’t written what you did. I really hope you are able to find peace, because it sounds like you’ve suffered more than anyone should.August 16, 2013 at 7:03 am #40602
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer. Actually your suggestiones are quite interesting but there is one thing. I’m not focusing on letting the anger out but on understanding it.I am convinced that if I get the answer to this problem I will deal with any other injustice likely to come up. I know that things are not the way we perceive them so I’m trying to figure out why I can’t get over it,what there is behind all this hatred and anger,why this particular issue is eating through me.August 16, 2013 at 7:13 am #40603
I’m very glad that it helped you.
Sometimes answers come in unexpected ways
Thank you.August 16, 2013 at 9:06 am #40611MattParticipant
That is a great observation! There is a feeling of a lesson in our anger, as though holding it will provide answers we need to prevent the conditions from happening again. Buddha taught that anger is fiery, painful for our body. It makes us alert, awake. When we stub our toe, for instance, the pain is so startling it grabs all of our attention, brings our focus to the present.
I respect that the anger seems necessary to hang on to. I only ask, wish and hope you will make a small consideration. Anger is fiery, and difficult to wield, and it quickly consumes our peace. In the absence of anger, we are still smart, aware, and because the fire isn’t burning wildly, we can reclaim that energy and focus it elsewhere. Said differently, you have a lot of energy. A lot. That feeling of anger is just energy, and if you didn’t have it, it wouldn’t be so potent. We can reclaim that energy through becoming mindful and letting go, and use the same energy to rise like a phoenix. Or, we can churn and cycle with the anger, walking through the mazes of comparing our life to those of others. The energy has to go somewhere, and it moves us toward health or rebounds back inward as anger. Does it occur to you that perhaps the issue that is consuming you is anger? Think of how your energy just boils and churns. Do you see how that is consuming your time and joy?
So it really stays up to you. If there is more to learn, hold tight to that ember. If and when “enough is enough, I just want to feel better, peaceful” arises, learn to set down the anger and use the lessons it brought to create the life you wish to live.
MattAugust 17, 2013 at 7:47 pm #40672
First off, I have to say, you are an absolute inspiration. To have a childhood like that, issues to deal with like the ones you have, to care for the sister you hate, visit the parent who hurt you, and search for a way to have the life you deserve is absolutely incredible. A lot of people, out there, live a life half as difficult as yours and they have given up. Your persistence and confidence to leave your house and support yourself is amazing. People like you, who are willing to go out and get the life you deserve, are a minority in our world. So I just want to say that you are definitely someone I hope to be like, one day.
Now I may sound delusional for saying this, but I think while you and your sister can travel, I believe you have something she doesn’t. The ability to genuinely appreciate those travels. She seems to have most, if not all, things handed to her. When someone lives a life like that, they can never appreciate what they have or can do. You can appreciate it, though. Because you know what it’s like to not have what you want, so when you do travel, if you haven’t already, then it will always be an insurmountably better experience than hers. Even if you go to the same place. Because it doesn’t seem like it’s her actual dream, since it’s announced right after it has now become so easily attainable through her husband’s job.
But you, on the other hand, have been dreaming about this from early on, in your life. When you travel, it won’t be like the experience that an ordinary person would have. It will be extraordinary. The average person would take a picture on their phone and bring up the location during casual conversations. It’s just an ice breaker for them. But for you, every step and breath in that foreign area will become a life long experience. An experience that you didn’t have for your little sister, or your parents, but for you. Because when you lay on your bed, you can say to yourself, that regardless of any mistakes you make or made, at least you accomplished your dream. Something that a lot of people never do in their entire lifetime.
Your dream of traveling the world will always be your dream, regardless of how many times anyone says it is theirs. I might be mistaken, but I feel that you don’t want to travel for the simple pleasure of saying you have, you want to travel because you want to live your life alongside people who appreciate and care for you. That is the life you deserve.
It is a life that has never been out of your grasp because you have fought and struggled for that dream. It’s a dream that always has the potential to be fulfilled and can never be taken from you because it is the dream of such a courageous person, like yourself.
I’m sorry for rambling and I’m not sure if this answered your question, but I hope it helped in someway.August 20, 2013 at 4:15 pm #40858
I can’t help crying after reading your words. You’re absolutely right about the things you said about me. I mean, this is what hurts me so much, that you could read the truth into my words while people who lived beside me all my life fail to see me,fail to understand me.Yes, I always wanted to travel in order to find a place to feel like home and people to be real friends.Knowing that people I despise want it too all of the sudden, makes me feel like they will always be chasing me ,that I will never manage to get rid of them. It is said that whatever you want you can get it as long as you really want it and that happened with me. I got to travel to many places. The unfortunate part of that was that when I started realizing this dream I was happy for the first time but I didn’t know how negatively it would affect my already bad relationships. Almost everyone around me, friends, my sisters and others became very envious and resentful instead of being happy for me. So all of this jealousy from the closest human beings and what happened with my sister resulted in me not being able to enjoy any trip and finally to hate my dream. I still can’t get out of this poisonous circle of disappointment and anger but reading the posts to my story from kind people has actually made me feel better.
So thank you very much for your time!!August 20, 2013 at 4:41 pm #40859
I must admit that I’m kind of unfamiliar with the things you say about energy so I take my time to think upon them. The question is that while it makes sense to reclaim that energy through becoming mindful and letting go, I can’t find a way to let go. I’ve tried so many things,read books, tried some techniques but every time I see the people who make me angry I can’t control my feelings. Honestly, I’ve started thinking that by hurting back, this accumulated energy will burst toward them instead of cycling inside me.August 21, 2013 at 11:04 pm #40958
I’m glad you feel better Billy. It was my pleasure to help you. I believe that no matter the situation, you won’t be stuck in it. I hope I can help you remove the misplaced hatred from your dream.
I’m sorry that the negativity around you has made you feel trapped in negative emotions.
I believe I can shed some light on the motives of the people around you and possibly get you out of that poisonous circle, but I have a question because I was a little confused by what you said. You said that you felt trapped because the people you despise want your dream and that you wanted to travel to find people who would be real friends, but, at the same time, you referred to the despised group of people, the same group of people who became envious and resentful because you are following your dream, as the closest human beings to you.
Why do you label them as the closest human beings to you?August 22, 2013 at 6:25 am #40973
I’m not sure what you’re asking me but If I got it right the answer is that I label them as the closest human beings since they were family and friends. Currently I broke up with my friends and I don’t speak to my sisters anymore because of their behaviour. I can’t bear in mind that the people, supposed to be the ones to understand me ,to love me, people who were present to all the suffering I went through ,these very people resent my happiness and do things to spoil my plans. But the thing that is driving me nuts is that I don’t know how to keep living watching these people being rewarded by life instead of being punished. It’s the injustice that suffocates me.September 1, 2013 at 9:50 am #41519
I see. That must be a lonely and painful experience. I’m sorry you have to go through that.
Before I give you my opinion, I wanted to ask you for yours. What is your subjective opinion on how you should respond to your friends and family?