November 20, 2020 at 4:32 pm #369687DeeParticipant
Hello to anyone who reads this, I hope you are doing well or at least aren’t doing terribly bad. I know the whole world is still sort of a mess right now, so I’m sending my best wishes from the Pacific Northwest 🙂
A little over 2 months ago I wrote in here about wanting to break up with my boyfriend or at least change some aspects about it, but was struggling with how to go about doing so. Since then I did end the relationship due to him confronting me first about how i’m feeling, because he was in fact catching onto my vibes of being unhappy and not really being into it. I told him having a committed relationship isn’t for me, I don’t care to have someone to sleep with, spend a whole lot of time with, or really have to communicate with on a regular basis like that because I like being able to do my own thing and not have to worry about anyone else’s feelings or owe anything to them. I did tell him I remain having feelings for him but I am only interested in a way more casual relationship with no titles. So some days go by of us not really talking and he asks me some clarifying questions about having a “casual” relationship. I told him it’s not about being able to see other people because that was his only big concern. He knew going into this from the start that i’m very particular and independent, so he came to really accept that an had me convinced we should “ride the feelings out” and still see one another so long as we still had the boyfriend/girlfriend titles. Based off of the whole entire conversation we had and everything I told him i’m comfortable with, this basically translated to I am going to do pretty much whatever I want but still give him attention (when I feel like it mostly) and not give any other men attention, until he decides that this is not enough for him because I know it isn’t. I spend more time with him and give him more attention than I had originally planned when we made this agreement so it has been semi-successful. I want to feel bad for essentially stringing him along and wasting his time because this isn’t going to work out but I don’t, I just can’t. Not when I told him I wasn’t comfortable with having the titles for that reason alone. So by this time we have been in this relationship on my terms for 2 months and I’m not consistent with talking to him when i’m able to, or seeing him when i’m able to. I can tell my inconsistency and disinterest in spending time together upsets him, I can tell when he’s sort of unhappy. In a way I don’t care how he feels anymore, I want him to end this because he is the one who wanted it so bad, and agreed to being on my terms. After we re-established the relationship I honestly wasn’t too upset just felt kinda ashamed and embarrassed because I already told all my friends and coworkers I was single again and they knew how exciting that was for me. But each day that went by and continues to go by I can’t help but feel regret, guilt, and frustration, but only a little.. I don’t like to dwell on negative feelings so I just feel nothing. I have come to have no more feelings for him because I feel like he just wants me as a prize considering I am a tad bit out of his league. He has started offering to buy me more things and give me money just because. He knows money is really important to me and I think he has been trying to use that to his advantage. But it’s almost more of a turn off because i’d rather be with someone who wants to save their money more to better their future. I love receiving money don’t get me wrong but I don’t want it from someone who is struggling more than me and has things more important to put their funds towards currently? There’s too much I have to say about this situation I just don’t know. I’m ready to end it once again and don’t want to wait for him to confront me first. I just have no idea how to do it. I was built with poor communication skills and anxiety. I want to do the right thing and end this for good so badly. Thank you to anyone who might have read through my messiness, and thank you in advance if you have anything to say to me at all, I just really appreciate hearing any words 🙂November 20, 2020 at 5:11 pm #369688
Best wishes for you as well, from the Pacific Northwest as well! I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning.
anitaNovember 21, 2020 at 10:20 am #369695
Having re-read your previous thread about the same relationship, I can see that the key word in the title of your thread is to confront (“How to confront unwanted boyfriend”).
In September you shared that you (22) dated a man (25). You shared that you were “not very attracted to him.. not sexually compatible”, that he “sweats a lot and sleeps loud”, that he didn’t have a car and there were “so many minor.. or not minor.. things that bother (you) about him”, that you want “to end it, or change the overall circumstances to something (you’re) comfortable with” because you are unhappy, and you don’t feel like yourself, and you “feel like a mess”.
Problem was that initiating a talk with him about how unhappy you were in the relationship made you feel like a bad person (“I don’t know how to have a conversation with him about my feelings without feeling like the devil… I don’t want to be the bad guy“). So, you didn’t tell him, and acted as if nothing was wrong (“I act as if nothing is wrong for me”). The results : (a) “We get along really well, I haven’t had a single argument.. my boyfriend thinks there really isn’t anything/ we’ll be together forever”, (b) you were miserable, wanting out.
Because you couldn’t tell him you were miserable, you wished that he will notice that you were miserable and ask you if you were miserable. If he asked you, then you would tell him (“I so badly wish he could see it and come to me asking if I really want a future with him”, “I am very willing to share my feelings, thoughts, and experiences of all kinds with anyone, it’s just easier to do so if someone asks me things”).
You didn’t tell him that you were miserable, and he didn’t ask- so you figured if there is an indirect way to end the relationship: “Do I just distance myself and hope he catches the vibe?.. Start being awful and undesirable?”
You wanted out but you were afraid to confront him: “I just want out.. I don’t want more so actually in fear of the immediate response he will have.. I am terrified of the confrontation“.
Otherwise, you shared that when you were a kid, you were “about the easiest kid ever to have”, not wanting your parents to worry about you, and that when not in a relationship, you were a “no bad days, always smile on face” kind of girl. Even when you did have bad days, you trained yourself to think of those as good days: “I do have my own bad days.. I just don’t care to think of it as a bad day because I have trained myself to have this ridiculously positive outlook on life”. You also shared: “I just really don’t want my preferences to inconvenience anyone else”, and “I don’t know how to act as if anything IS wrong because the problem is completely mine!”
Now, let’s look at what you shared two months later, in your current thread: “I did end the relationship due to him confronting me first about how I’m feeling, because he was in fact catching onto my vibes of being unhappy and not really being into it”, but as I read on, I realized you didn’t really end the relationship: you told him that you are “interested in a way more casual relationship with no titles”. He later asked you what you meant by “casual”. Knowing that “his only big concern” regarding casual was that you may be seeing other men, you told him that “it’s not about being able to see other people”. You later clarified to him that casual means that you will “do pretty much whatever (you) want but still give him attention” when you feel like it, “until he decides that this is not enough for him”. You then proceeded to “give him more attention that (you) had originally planned”, not being consistent about talking to him and seeing him only when you feel like it, and the relationship continues (“we have been in this relationship on my terms for 2 months”).
“I want him to end this.. I’m ready to end it once again and don’t want to wait for him to confront me first.. I want to do the right thing and end this for good so badly”.
Taking all of this into consideration, this is my input today:
1. The easy part: yes, you should end this relationship as soon as possible (ASAP), preferably today. It is enough of a valid reason that you, at 22, are not sexually attracted to him. There is no valid reason for you to endure having sex with a man you find undesirable, nor is there a valid reason for you to spend any time with a man you don’t like or want to be with.
2. The difficult part: you will need to end this relationship completely, as in to follow the breakup with No Contact/ blocking his access to you by phone, email and social media. The reason for the no-contact is that you are inclined to compromise so much that if you keep any contact with him (as a friend or an acquaintance, no matter the title), you are likely to continue the relationship which makes you so unhappy.
3. As I see it, I don’t think that you are currently able to adequately confront him and end it with him completely (#1 and 2 above)- you are just too afraid to initiate and have this confrontation. It will take a long time for you to make yourself able to carry on such a conversation (attending psychotherapy). But you need to break up with him ASAP- therefore, I suggest that you involve a third party to talk to him (gently and respectfully) and let him know that it is over, to be followed by No Contact.
Your fear of confronting him is so intense, that you are like a scared child, scared of.. let’s say walking across a bridge. That child needs an adult to hold her hand and walk together slowly across that bridge. Figuratively, the bridge you need to cross is one that will lead you from this relationship (meaning having any contact with this man)===> freedom (having no contact with him).
After a third party, ends (for you) all contact with him- then you will need psychotherapy so to address and .. confront your fear of confronting other people, so that you will be able to function better in life, inside relationships and outside of relationships. You can’t lead a healthy life without the ability to assert yourself directly: you can’t get what you need in life by not saying what’s wrong, hoping people will notice there’s something wrong and ask you questions, and then figure out what you need and do right by you.
In the future, there will be other young men interested in you and you will need to say No, and keep saying No. What kind of life will it be for you, if you mean No and say Yes, and then hope that they will not want you anymore.
Sometime along your childhood, you trained yourself to act as if there is nothing wrong, not confronting your own feelings or the people around you. You trained yourself to just feel nothing (“I don’t like to dwell on negative feelings so I just feel nothing”) when something was wrong, to not “inconvenience anyone else” with any problem or problematic/ negative feeling that you have. Somehow, you learned that when you feel that something is wrong- you better keep it to yourself and keep it outside your awareness best you can, acting as if there is nothing wrong. This learning and training will need to change, and the place to change that is in quality psychotherapy.
anitaNovember 24, 2020 at 3:48 pm #369854DeeParticipant
Thank you for the well thought out reply. I greatly appreciate hearing what you think. Unfortunately I have yet to do what needs to be done. There isn’t a third party who is able to break the news to him, as we have no mutual friends and I would have to find someone to explain this situation to. I do not trust any of my friends to relay the message in a gentle, kind, and tasteful-ish manner ( although honestly I think the only way for it to be any of those things is if I did it myself in person) so I think I am going to go the route of gradually bringing it up in a conversation about how I feel like I just don’t appreciate him enough and don’t think I ever will so this must come to an end. I’ve come up with so many different ways to go about this Anita, I just struggle so badly taking the initial confrontational step. I have wanted to seek therapy for the last year or two but am not sure how to work it all out. I want to be my best self and I myself am the only thing holding me back.November 24, 2020 at 4:11 pm #369856
How about making it easier on yourself and break up with him not in-person, but in a thoughtful, respectful, kind email message, in which you will explain why you have to do it via email and not in-person?
If you decide to go that route, I can help you with the message.