Michelle:

I have shared feelings and cried about this to friends – many times over. Unfortunately, my best friends were not in my everyday life during the hardest period of this time as we were living in different cities (and still are).  I was super busy finishing my degree as well as working a lot. So the feelings towards him just came out in clumps and have been building up during the years.

I also believe there is a certain amount of crying you are allowed to do to your friends before they get sick of you. The ones I have cried to in my new city (where he also lives) I don’t know that well, and I was starting to feel like a broken record, especially to the ones that haven’t even met him…  I find it’s been difficult to gather all the different feelings in regards to him and express them in a healthy way – anger, alienation of our common friend group, fear, embarrassment, sadness, you name it. I think partly because we met through our common friends and continued to meet in this constellation after having decided it wasn’t a relationship anymore. I couldn’t feel enough trust to anyone else to tell them because he was my closest confidant (until he wasn’t). Since we didn’t properly end it I still had hope for a long, long time that we would in fact sort it out due to the intense emotions and attraction we/I/he had to each other.

Regarding the ins and outs of the relationship – in the beginning I was the one holding back because I got a very acute sense that although I kind of loved being with him, he would be no good for me because of all the girls that I saw had been in the picture. Mind you, it’s not a huge town, so I guess I decided to cut him some slack and eventually got drawn in and began to give in.. so once I was drawn in, he started hesitating etc etc. And so the rollercoaster began. He was the one chasing me quite intensely at first. I guess that is also part of my anger, why did I even get so vulnerable with someone like that? He did get to be very important to me in the end, but by then it was too late.

Another part of the anger is regarding trust, I never thought he even thought about his ex anymore.. Had I known, I would have gotten myself out of the situation wayyy way way earlier than I did. In fact, there may never have been anything between us. So in the end I feel really stupid falling for someone like this, and everytime I go over to the city he lives in and think I see him my heart beats like crazy. It literally is the same feeling I had years ago. I just pray I can reach a level of calmness and confidence where I am somewhat detached from memories, and a lot happier because of it.

Anita:

I know in order for him to move on with his life and make sense of his decision to go back to his ex, he apparently needs to compartmentalize what happened with me and categorize me as an “other” in front of our friends. That’s what hurts and that’s what is embarrassing to me. It erases what we had. I feel like I’ve just helped him on the ride back to his old girlfriend. Sort of like without me he wouldn’t be with her now, I became the glue for them to stay together.

His presence in the group is quite strong, but I’m not a pushover or silent person either. I’m definitely not usually the one to stay back, especially if someone is starting to have bullyish behaviour. So this whole thing perplexes me, since all of a sudden I’m the one that’s being manipulated and made to feel insignificant. I guess I wish someone else had the guts to stand up to him and support me instead of silently supporting him. I’ve felt too weak because of him for a long time (due to my emotions).

Michelle,

Yes, it is what it is and I go back and forth in my emotions and views of myself so much aswell.Some days I am filled with compassion for my own choices, the next day I despise the fact that I still would feel the same knowing that he was around the corner. It is a fact that I still feel weak in his presence, and that he has that power over me.

Anita,

We did have quite a lot of conflicts.. It could be small things, that apparently I asked something the wrong way or claimed something and he wouldn’t stop pushing me on it, to explain myself or basically making me feel like what I said was wrong or to make me admit that I didn’t know what I was talking about. It could also be from my side that he was constantly wanting to go out, I mean every Friday and Saturday, all-nighters, and also during some weekdays. I felt (rightfully so) neglected and after a while a bit burned out, so I would try and make him see my side of things to which he would just say I could go home earlier and he would come later. No compromise there.

Well, to me, silencing someone by not acknowledging their emotions or reactions to what they do, i.e ghosting and gaslighting them, are ways to create a narrative as well. Silencing someone’s feelings gives you power over a narrative. In this case it was basically me not having any rights to have feelings or emotions of anger or frustration or whatever negative since we were not an exclusive couple any longer. Even though we were still sleeping together, going out etc. Basically minimizing the time I invested in us. He’s a very, very manipulative person in this way, and it is actually quite likely that he doesn’t understand that he is some of the time. This behavior just kind of runs on autopilot.

Anita,

No, it’s specifically with him. And I guess with the male species in general :/ (But not in relationships)

Anita,

I don’t know.. I have two quite unforgiving sisters. However, I don’t know if they should be dragged for this.

One thing is that I always knew he was going to be bad for me, ALWAYS. It was almost like I was looking to prove it, and then later prove it wrong. And because I knew he was going to be bad, I feel in a way less entitled to harbor these feelings. I was complicit from the beginning in a way but of course I still don’t think he has the right to do the things he did. It just is complicated when intellectually you have all these observations and yet with your emotions you give in to someone. It just doesn’t make sense when it’ all over.