Home→Forums→Relationships→How to deal with emotions past rocky on-and-off relationship?
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February 9, 2019 at 12:07 am #279387
HellaParticipantHi Anita,
I am honestly just trying to find ways out of victimhood, trying to change the way I think about myself in this. I obviously don’t want to be a victim just because I’m the one with feelings and he’s not seemingly, but I haven’t yet mastered a way where I feel like I’m better off without all that I left behind.
February 9, 2019 at 12:21 am #279389HellaParticipantValora,
“I think it might help you work through this if maybe if you reframe the situation in your mind to accept more of the responsibility for how you’re feeling rather than saying HE made you feel this way, because you are also part responsible for what is happening now for choosing to date within your friend group and you’re also responsible for how you perceive things (and usually it’s our own perceptions that play into our emotions)… so you might be really angry with yourself for putting yourself in this position in the first place. ”
This is what I am really trying to do now. And honestly, I have been rebuilding myself continuously for years in the same city, but that takes time. When he and I started dating it was such a natural inviting environment to be in and to get to know many people in a fast way. I literally felt like a rug had been pulled from underneath me when it was over and I was supposed to somehow find myself alone in this group which contained mainly his acquaintances (not all friends, maybe superficially). I think I clung on to him after the break-up because I didn’t know where to go, and looking back that was a terrible idea. He was never someone I should have had as a friend after the break-up, it was way too painful and still is. I think that messed with my expectations of him, that because we were in this grey area of friendship and sleeping together for way longer than having an actual relationship, I relied on him and yes, had expectations of him.
February 9, 2019 at 6:12 am #279399
AnonymousGuestDear Hella:
Here is your goal, what you stated that you want: “I just pray I can reach a level of calmness and confidence where I am somewhat detached from memories, and a lot happier because of it… to find ways out of victimhood, trying to change the way I think about myself in this”.
What is in the way of your goal of calmness in his presence and about him is that you are still hoping and waiting for him to realize that he did feel intense emotions for you, that what you shared was very special, and that he will be back to you for good: “It was always special to me to be with him.. I guess I thought I had found something that would last way way longer than it did”, “he felt intense emotions (I know he did”, “despite all, I am not sure he is NOT the one for me… it scares me to move away from that”.
The reason you “still feel weak in his presence, and that he has that power over (you)” is that you are waiting for him. Meaning, you will not be okay until he chooses you as his life partner.
“he acts like everything’s just fine and that I should just move on”, but you don’t want to move on, everything is not fine, you are still waiting for him to realize the intense emotions he felt with you, the special connection you made and to choose you.
You are still in love with him, and for you, he is on a pedestal as a powerful man who “owns it”, it being a group of friends, a group that “has arms and legs and is more of a social circle of around maybe 100-200 people”.
Back to your goal, the quote in the beginning of this post, to achieve that calmness it will take you giving up on him, no longer hoping and waiting for him to come to his senses and choose you as the one for him.
It will take you realizing that the facts that the two of you were of the same or similar age, “from the same country who had also travelled and lived abroad, had the same outlook and ambitions”, and “shared sexual experiences with such mutual attraction and intimacy” meant a whole lot more to you than they did for him.
You’ve been angry at him for a long time, and angry at yourself, and confused. If you accept the reality of the situation, clarity will replace your confusion, sadness will replace your anger, you will no longer see him as more powerful than he really is and therefore, you will no longer see yourself as his victim. Then there will be that “level of calmness and confidence” that you need and want.
anita
February 9, 2019 at 12:52 pm #279447
BrandyParticipantHi Hella,
You’re getting a lot of solid advice on this thread; I’m not sure I can add anything of substance to it all. One thing I’ll say is I feel I may know this type of guy. He’s charming, probably well liked by everyone, knows people in every social circle in the community, you know, like when he walks into Starbucks he’ll see at least 3 people who are genuinely happy to see him. Maybe he’s very good looking, has no trouble attracting women, and is the life of the party…the John Kennedy Jr type? If so, then just by knowing this guy a person’s social status is elevated, so yes, he’s able to set a narrative and no one’s going to challenge him on it, and I’m thinking you’re not the first woman he’s been with who finds herself in this situation. I like Anita’s input that what you shared with this guy may have meant more to you than it did him, and the way to achieve calmness is to no longer hope that he’ll come to his senses and come back to you. I think I may understand how difficult both may be for you. Hang in there, Hella.
B
February 9, 2019 at 11:48 pm #279485HellaParticipantBrandy,
Yes, I am getting a lot of good advice. I am so grateful to have all this input!!
And yes, it obviously meant more to me than to him. I’m mad at how he’s been handling things whilst with her. Everytime I’ve met him it’s been the same flirtation from him, compliments about my appearance etc etc. Once or twice we almost ended up sleeping together, and he didn’t say a word about still being with her until we almost had sex, whilst the next minute he lets me know I should be careful about what I’M doing since he has a girlfriend. When it’s really he that has no self-control. This has really messed with my sense of closure and it not meaning anything to him. So yes, it has been hard to accept that he doesn’t care about me. Mixed signals and no accountability.
February 9, 2019 at 11:53 pm #279491HellaParticipantAnita,
Yeah, I am working on the letting go but my mind really wants to keep him there. I’m scared to let go of him. It scares me that I still see myself through his eyes a lot. I guess I just want someone else to view me the same way he did has when it was really good between us. I hate to let go of that.
February 10, 2019 at 6:38 am #279507AnonymousGuestDear Hella:
“I still see myself through his eyes a lot. I guess I just want someone else to view me the same way he did .. when it was really good between us. I hate to let go of that”-
-People are our mirrors. Think of that: our eyes are situated in such a way that we don’t see our faces, we see other people’s faces. So when we see a person looking angrily at us, we may think we did something wrong, that there is something objectionable about us. When we see a person looking lovingly at us, we may think we are lovable. It is surely so for children, when a parent looks angrily at a child, repeatedly, the child automatically sees herself as objectionable, something being wrong about her.
Back to you, he is your mirror, what you saw in his face/ body as he interacted with you many times was something beautiful, intensely desirable. You want to see yourself this way again! It is difficult to let go of this view of yourself.
It may help if you describe other mirrors in your life, past mirrors perhaps, your parents, what you saw in their faces as they looked at you?
anita
February 10, 2019 at 12:20 pm #279573BrandyParticipantHi Hella,
His mixed signals to you when in a relationship with someone else is a bad sign. You already know that.
Anita wrote “…he is your mirror, what you saw in his face/ body as he interacted with you many times was something beautiful, intensely desirable. You want to see yourself this way again! It is difficult to let go of this view of yourself.” This is so true! You know logically that the mixed signals he gives you when he’s committed to someone else says something about his character, but it feels so good to be desired by this particular guy that you get drawn in. Don’t get drawn in anymore.
The way you feel about yourself when he’s not in the picture is far more important than the way you feel about yourself when he’s interacting with you. I think the key is in being content and at peace with where you are in your life right now. For me, meditation and mindfulness help a lot. Imagine getting to the point where you feel so at peace that the thought of resuming a romantic relationship with this guy makes you cringe.
B
February 10, 2019 at 12:34 pm #279577HellaParticipantHi Brandy,
I am already at the cringe stage 🙂 I think I’m going through the motions, but it’s more cyclical than chronologically correct (if that makes sense). I can sometimes think I’m past certain stages, and then I find myself acting like I’m back on square one again. I believe this is because of the on-and-off nature that the relationship had. I am also currently at a stage in my life where I am trying to find myself in my professional life. I also moved to another city so there are quite a lot of adjustments that are being made. On my bad days and moments I can’t help but to wish things were the way they used to be with him. Still, I can honestly say that no, I don’t want that in my life anymore, if the chance presented itself. But it’s this back and forth that is still etched in my mind that is making me feel quite bad at times. I just hope I can reach a point where I can feel content with myself, and that it doesn’t entail finding another romantic partner as fast as possible.
February 10, 2019 at 1:13 pm #279583BrandyParticipantHi Hella,
Yes, everything you wrote makes a lot of sense to me. It’s natural to have moments when you miss how good being with him made you feel, but your good sense seems to then swing you back to a strong awareness of all that’s not so good about the history you now have with him. This is what progress looks like, I think. My two cents: When you have the difficult moments, just relax and trust that each will pass and that you’ll be okay, because you will.
This guy’s not so great. You can do better. 🙂
B
February 12, 2019 at 10:57 pm #279963HellaParticipantBrandy,
I’ve been invited to something next weekend at my friends’ place where he will also be. I swear it destroys me everytime and I don’t want to choose between my friends and having to stand some horrible ex. I really don’t feel I should have to deal with this.
February 13, 2019 at 10:44 am #280039BrandyParticipantHi Hella,
Yeah, I just don’t know. My gut says that if it destroys you to see him then stay home, but if being at home instead of with your friends will cause you even more unhappiness, go. I guess it comes down to how important these friends are to you. If they lift you up, make you feel good about yourself, genuinely care about you and your wellbeing, then it’s important to maintain these friendships. If these people are just okay, not all that great but your only hope for a social life in this area, then you’ll have to decide if hanging out with them is worth what seeing him does to you.
I still like that you’re not sharing your true feelings about him with this group and instead confiding in only your close friends who do not live in your area. Making your feelings known will only create drama and weirdness within the group, I think, and not badmouthing him to this group (his group) shows a lot of strength and integrity on your part. Research good relaxation techniques, ways to be okay with the difficult thoughts/feelings your having. Decide today that this guy no longer has any power over you, can’t draw you in to his seductive, twisted game. When you see each other, say hello but then move on to the others. Don’t linger there with him. Send a signal that you think he’s nothing special, then open yourself up to the possibility that he really is nothing special.
B
February 21, 2019 at 6:14 am #281151AnonymousGuestDear Hella:
In the topic of your thread you asked: “How to deal with emotions..?” regarding this past relationship and this man’s continuing presence in your life.
I believe that the most relevant sentence to your question is the following: “I’ve felt too weak because of him for a long time.. I still feel weak in his presence, and that he has that power over me”.
My best guess is the following: you felt very close to a parent (all young children do). Your power was in that closeness (it is for all young children). You then found out that your parent did not reciprocate that closeness, was closer to others, perhaps, ignored you, rejected you. So you felt weak.
With this man you were sure that the closeness was mutual, that he felt as close to you as you felt to him: “he was once very close to me, probably one of the closest people to me… we shared intimate emotions and super intense sexual chemistry (which I know for a fact is something he felt too) for years… he was my closest confidant…. he felt intense emotions (I know he did, he let me know many times and it was kind of evident)… I shared sexual experiences with such mutual attraction and intimacy”.
But then he withdrew from you, got together with an ex girlfriend, and you feel as weak as you felt when you were a child.
“I always knew he was going to be bad for me, ALWAYS. It was almost like I was looking to prove it, and then later prove it wrong”-
Your childhood experience with a parent is that something bad for you, something you wanted to prove wrong in relationship with this man- that unlike your parent, this man did and will reciprocate the closeness you felt for him and will not reject you.
“I hate him now.. a kind of lingering anger… eating at me for years… such visceral anger towards him… this hole of bitter emotions where I just want to scream my truth about what happened”- this is the anger you felt toward the rejecting parent.
So you’ve been waiting for him to … stop pretending he doesn’t feel as close to you as you do for him and you keep feeling angry and angrier because he has not… stopped pretending yet.
Reads to me that your experience with this man activated your childhood experience. The sexual element is particular to your experience with this man, an added element to the closeness factor.
anita
March 6, 2019 at 12:31 am #283235HellaParticipantBrandy and Anita,
Thank you for answering. It’s been very useful to me to have an outlet like this, it’s unlike any other way I’ve tried to deal with my emotions. I’ve had some time to process my own thoughts, feelings and questions and the responses I’ve gotten to them here.
I decided, in the end, not to attend the common birthday party me and my ex were both invited to. I just didn’t see the point, and felt it was indeed worth risking those friends instead of being bullheaded about wanting to prove that I could go. I don’t remember feeling any particular way about it afterwards.
I did, however, by accident, and this can and will happen, run into him at a club this weekend. So this does happen, and no, I don’t actively seek him out. I want to go to good parties and clubs and we happen to like similar places (sometimes). It was a spur of the moment thing that I went there with a friend’s boyfriend, and sure enough, he was there. I had kind of decided that this day/night was going to be a good one so I decided to have semi-friendly chats with him. It all stayed that way until the end, and it wasn’t that bad. Until I hopped on the train and began to go home, there were nonstop tears. It’s just too much to go back to this city and relive all emotions in one day.
What really bothered me on the way home, and what has lingered the most I think, is the fact that I have felt SO alone during all this time, and especially the year after he and I broke up. I happened to glimpse one of our common friends at another bar, but things are just awkward between us now since I am no longer his girlfriend. This is the part that makes it hard for me to even consider moving back to this city. I feel a lot of emotions towards the people that were around during the time that he and I dated and the years after, who did absolutely nothing to show support. Just some time to listen or ask me how I was doing would have helped immensely. It is so uncomfortable for me to be this outcast person that had to rebuild her life, simply because I didn’t work out with their friend. And in this way I think I have blamed him for creating this situation, but I also started feeling ostracized by almost the entire city (which of course is impossible, but a group of it). It was the passiveness that got to me. So yeah, I don’t think that he knows the reasons I am so mad at him, it’s bigger than him. I can tell he’s been doing at least some thinking, which is good.
I guess I just wish there was a way I wouldn’t have to remove myself from a situation and city that was fun, important and meaningful to me, simply because it makes other people uncomfortable that he and I are not on good terms. Because I doubt that we will be, fully. I lived there for five years, and it saddens me to think I won’t have any good relations to come back to if I decide to visit.
March 6, 2019 at 6:13 am #283259AnonymousGuestDear Hella:
I am glad you are back to your thread!
I was wondering what you mean by “I can tell he’s been doing at least some thinking, which is good”?
anita
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