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How to deal with this

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  • #274391
    Linda
    Participant

    Hi, I am a 45 year old woman, no kids, or husband, very few friends.

    Last year, I borrowed money to my sister , so she could buy a house, since then, she broke of all contact( and of course , she is not paying the money back) My sister was my best friend, we called each other everyday.

    In september, my mother was diagnosed with uterus cancer, my sister never visited my mother since then. My mother is very sad about that, also because she doesn’t see her only grandchild.

    In October, my father was diagnosed with terminal pleura cancer, he only has a few months left.( my parents are divorced)

    The day before newyear, my boyfriend of 2 years, ended our relationship, because he couldn’t handle all the grief I had.

     

    I just want to know how to deal with this imense grief, I cry everyday, drink too much.

    How can I get trough this difficult period?

    Sorry for the mistakes, English is not my first language 🙂

    #274441
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linda:

    The serenity prayer comes to mind: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”

    Look at every aspect of your life: what can you change of what is wrong. Maybe you can take legal action against your sister so to get the money you loaned her back? That would be (if practically wise) something you can change and you will need the courage to take action.

    Is the relationship with your boyfriend non-recoverable? Maybe if you share less of your grief with him, he wouldn’t be overwhelmed by too much of your grief (“he couldn’t handle all the grief I had”). Sharing less of your grief would be something you can change.

    I suppose there is nothing you can do about your parents’ diagnoses. Can you learn to accept it with some peace simply because there truly is nothing you can do to change these things?

    anita

     

    #274595
    Linda
    Participant

    Thank you for you kind answer.

     

    I know that there is nothing I can do about my parents diagnoses, but its hard to have to deal with it alone.

    I already took legal action to get my money back from my sister, which was also difficult

    My relationship is truly over and it is for the best, we were not ment to be together.

     

    I will keep the prayer in mind

     

    thanks

    #274637
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linda:

    You are welcome. Your thinking reads clear and reasonable to me. I hope you post again, expressing how you feel, if it helps.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by anita.
    #277777
    Linda
    Participant

    Hi

    here I am , again.

    Tommorow, my dad is going to die, he asked  for euthanasia, and got it, because his disease in incurable and he is in a lot of pain.( in my country, this is legal)

    It will be very strange, leaving my home an knowing that I am going to see him for the last time. He asked if I could be there , and of course I will.

    My sister will also be there, but she isn’t talking to me, because  I took legal action to get my money back, and is very mad about that.

     

    My mother is in the hospital due to complications of her cancer treament, and we dont know if she will make it.

     

    Why is this all happening to me at the same time??? I feel all alone and no one knows what I am going through. I feel so jealous of people who have a family, or husband , or boyfriend who they can depend on ,

    I have a close friend, but  it is not the same as a lifepartner.

     

    I just hope that I can be happy again, one day

     

    #277785
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linda:

    Be as calm as you can be when you say goodbye to your father, smile at him, tell him you love him and always remember him, hold his hand tight, kiss him and let it be okay to shed some tears, if they happen. If they don’t happen, that is okay too. Try to not  pay attention to who else is there, make it a special moment between you and your father.

    “I just hope that I can be happy again, one day”, you wrote.

    The word happy makes me think of the ending of children’s books, “and they lived happily ever after”.

    I learned that there is no such thing. If I can feel joy today at this moment or at another moment later on, that is good enough for me. There is no happily-ever-after, that is a make belief children hold on to so to grow up in a world that is not so inviting, because of all the aggression in it, all the trouble.

    As you say goodbye to your father, maybe make a decision to do the best with what is left of your life. After all, life is finite for all of  us, we all end up dead. Cherish any moment of calm that you can experience, any moment of love that you feel, and joy.

    I hope to read from you again, perhaps after tomorrow.

    anita

    #280167
    Linda
    Participant

    Hi,

    everything is over now, my dad passed his last moments with his girlfriend, her son , my sister and me. We opened one last bottle of champagne together.

    When the moment was there , my sister and me held his hand, it was like he fell asleep.

    it all went very quickly.

    There were al lot of people on his funeral, which he would have liked.

    Since then, I feel much more relaxed, I know he has no more pain. I even feel happy sometimes, which has been a long time ago since I felt this way. I seem to enjoy the little things more, like taking a walk, reading, cooking( which I couldn’t do before), and all the things I worried about before, dont mean a thing

    Of course I still worry a lot because of my mother, who is still very ill and needs surgery, but she is to weak at the moment.But I know , even if she doens’t make it, I will overcome this as well.

    I even ordered the worry journal from this site 🙂

    My boyfriend wants me back, too bad, I dont 🙂

    It’s unbelievable how your life can change in a short period of time, and you should really enjoy every moment.

    Before I thought all of this was just nonsens

    People are stronger than they think

     

     

     

    #280181
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linda:

    It is good to read your uplifting update! What a strong testimony that indeed, “People are stronger than they think”. I hope more members read your recent post and reply, and I hope you post again. I would like to read more from you.

    anita

    #339078
    Linda
    Participant

    One year later:

    my mother recovered ! It is a true miracle, she still needs chemo but for the moment its under control and she is back home en feeling good.

    With my sister, I sometimes hear her, we talk normally.

    I met someone new in september , but he cant make up is mind if he wants to be with me or his ex, today he is deciding , again.

     

    I hoped that he was the one, but apparantly not if he has this much trouble to decide. It’s killing me, that he will dump me.

    the pain I felt last year was completely different, now it really hurts, if you want to be with some one

    i’m seeing a therapist lately and that helps a bit.

    people are strong, but not endlessly

     

     

     

    #339148
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linda:

    Welcome back to your thread, a year and five days after your last post!

    Good to read that your mother is back home and feeling good.

    “people are strong, but not endlessly”- well stated. I agree.

    This man you met in September, did he make his decision by the time you read my words, about whether he wants to stay with you or go back to his ex???

    anita

    #339416
    Linda
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    thanks for getting back,

     

    he wants to give it another chance but he doesnt love me yet but he likes me , Its a horrible feeling, he feels like his feelings are blockes he says . He doesnt know If he can open up to annyone ever again.

     

    I’m going crazy, want to text and call him  every minute of the day, its killing me ?

    #339440
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Linda:

    You are welcome.

    Feb 14 a year ago you felt this way: “I feel much more relaxed.. I even feel happy sometimes, which has been a long time ago since I felt this way. I seem to enjoy the little things more, like taking a walk, reading, cooking.. and all the things I worried about before, don’t mean a thing”-

    – I wished this would be how you were feeling now, a year later. But instead, “I’m going crazy, want to text and call him every minute of the day, it’s killing me”.

    And the reason you feel so badly is because you are in a bad situation: you feel emotionally that you need this man’s love very much, but he doesn’t love you but maybe he will this is his position. This is a bad situation for you because you are waiting and waiting and hoping that he will love you one day, maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after…

    For as long as you have this strong emotional need for him, and for as long as he doesn’t-love-you-but-maybe-he-will-one-day: for as long as this situation exists, you will be miserable.

    How can this situation change:

    1. He decided that he loves you.

    2. You stop needing him emotionally.

    3. You decide to end this relationship.

    Because you can’t change how he feels (#1), and because you can’t change how you feel (#2), I recommend that you decide to end this relationship.

    If he cared for you, he would not want to see you suffering because his feelings are blocked, he wouldn’t put you in the position of waiting and waiting and hoping.

    Post again anytime.

    anita

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