How to find peace with people

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by Mark.

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February 18, 2019 at 11:38 pm #280713

me myself and i
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My life has been so dark and confusing…Something to do with adoption gone wrong..foster care idk. You will think im too old to think that way. 33f. But I exhaustively pieced things back into order in journals for nearly a decade. It worked really well I’m better off in my head than I’ve ever been. but I’m so close to homeless I barely scrape by.. My expectation for a normal life is …has always been “low”. (To get my mind back.) And too slave over my art, and make enough to get by. I don’t care about money. Honestly, I feel 19. I do housekeeping. Art is the one thing that keeps me feeling/caring/not suicidal. Recently felt huge change.. But have always felt something bad would happen with people. Long history there, too much to write. Ptsd.

I mean but bad things constantly happen, somehow i don’t know how to steer clear of them. Really want the same consistency…same home(rented rooms), same job, same routine but i blew around a lot. For years (5) recently i was stalked, paranoid out of my mind at my jobs, my house. Got uhh accustomed to it, took back my life. God only because im good at it??? It’s been a while now. Then just found out im going to have to move again. I’m exhausted by this. How to make it end? I have this part of me, that hates 60% of people because theyll leave your life a flaming wreckage. Its only 5-10% of the time now. But its… I’m realizing its ….I don’t know how to get that demon out of me.

Everything can be seamless until im triggered into total disgust then im just gone. I have peeled so much away, just scraped and scraped the triggers out of my mind. will it be this way forever?

February 19, 2019 at 11:16 am #280877

Anonymous
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Dear me myself and i:

You shared in this thread and in the other that you are a 33 year old woman, your background has to do with “adoption gone wrong.. foster care”. Your mental health now is better than it has ever been but you are “so close to homeless”, you barely scrape by working as a housekeeper and your passion as I understand it, is in your at.

You want consistency in your life, same home, same job, same routine, but you’ve been moving around a lot, renting rooms in people’s homes, “blew around a lot”, and you just found out that you will have to move again because the home where you live belongs to a woman whose son “screams 24/7”.

You wrote that you suffer from PTSD, that you hate 60% of people because they will “leave your life a flaming wreckage”, that you were stalked for five years, and on the other thread you wrote that she sold your car without asking you, that she “works really hard to break down my mind, to convince me things are impossible, hopeless”, that she annihilated your self esteem for decades, isolated you, leaving “everything a wreck” in your life”-

-by she, do you mean your mother?

anita

February 19, 2019 at 12:20 pm #280899
me myself and i
Participant
yes. for the sake of this thread, here’s the following. she’s my mother. yes she sold my car, i still owe money on it.

i mostly feel really alone, like everything is there to screw me, after the stalking, i don,t trust v well, and the “precarious house of cards” feeling is huge.

most of my 20s spent trying to get rid of depression and anxiety, surfing from job to job due to paranoia.

then i actually learned to manage the stalking, but the precarious feeling is still there, it feels futile to try anything, but i do and look only at the good, and what i can do now. sometimes it feels like screwing myself over though. fyi i have 50k in student loans, blew my savings on a hotel looking for a new place, no retirement, but im not alcoholic, dont do hard drugs, or have other addictions…

just this revolting precarious mentality is whats left. lmao why do i do anything, or bother i should shoot myself while im ahead, but art/ writing keeps me going. as i can turn depression and anxiety off like there’s a switch but…rage at things is hard to turn off. i put 150% into everything then ..
- This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by me myself and i.
February 19, 2019 at 12:30 pm #280907

Anonymous
Guest

Dear me myself and i:

I will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. I would like to communicate with you further, so I figure if you want to communicate with me further, it will have to continue tomorrow.

I need to understand you and your situation better, therefore I ask: is it your mother who stalked you for five years or is it someone else?

Tell me more about your mother, did she adopt you when you were a child or was she a foster care parent, what was and is the relationship between you and her?

*Will soon be away from the computer and back in about 16 hours from now. If you reply I will read and reply to you when I am back.

anita

February 19, 2019 at 4:33 pm #280957

me myself and i
Participant

no she didn’t stalk me. that’s an entirely different post. thinking about history makes it worse.

just google CEN and it will explain everything.

i hate writing about it and hate when i do, now i regret it

im just trying to keep my head above water

i just want to know how to get rid of the feeling that everything will go wrong. its like this feeling that everything is precarious. days like this i think i will disappear or have to kill myself

February 20, 2019 at 7:50 am #281009

Anonymous
Guest

Dear me myself and i:

I will not hurt you, I will not stalk you or harm you in any way.

“how to get rid of the feeling that everything will go wrong”, you want to know-

– take one moment at a time, look around you at this moment, where you are and look for the danger, where is it…?-

Is the ground under you shaking or is it solid? If it is solid then you are safe this way.

Is there a wild animal close to you, a wild cat or a wolf. or a person looking angrily at you holding a weapon of some sort? If not, you are safe this way

You are worried about having to move yet again, this is very uncomfortable. But it is not dangerous. You lived through it before many times, you will survive it again.

Let’s say you hear noises right now, loud noises the neighbors are making and it bothers you. Again, it is very uncomfortable, but it is not dangerous.

In other words, look for imminent and present danger, if there is none this moment, relax a bit in this very moment.

anita

February 21, 2019 at 9:04 pm #281309

GL
Participant

Dear me myself and I,

The things that you’ve described so far occurring in your life has convoluted and conditioned your brain into a constant fight/flight/freeze mode. From living with to separating from your mother to being stalked to the situation with housing, your brain is constantly searching for anything that can negatively affect you. The excessive stress and anxiety has conditioned your paranoia which is trapping your mind in a negative state.

First and foremost, find a way to calm your anxiety. If you can, look for counseling that will walk you through exercises that will calm your anxiety. If that’s not possible right now, then look for activities that you can that will calm your racing thoughts and heart. Is art still that thing? Can art help you enter into an neutral state that is neither happy nor sad, but just being? Because if it does, then continue it because that’s similar to what meditation does. Keep doing it then remember that feeling. Keep a strong hold on that feeling so when your mind is restless and racing with negative thoughts, which will affect your mood, remember that feeling. Envision that feeling and then try to bring that feeling into and out of your anxious reality. Make that feeling your priority.

Your anxiety cloud your thoughts so when you feel that it is overreacting, the best thing to do is to take deep breaths and calm your racing heart.

The thing with your mother is terrible, but seeing as you can’t depend on her for help, it’s best to ignore any issues with her until you have time and energy to sort it out. Unless she is still in your life, it is best to put any issues with her in a box for now and leave it for later. It’s important to deal with what you can first before tackling issues that you can leave for later. Also, to tackle any emotional issues regarding people, it is best to do so with a clear mind.

Good luck.

February 22, 2019 at 12:39 am #281343

Mark
Participant

https://www.travelportland.com/article/j-pepin/
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