i was 22 when i met my first and last love, i was lonely i needed to talk to someone i met a guy on a bus, we became friends. i was so desperate that i didnt even realize we were not on the same spiritual plane. he was too worldly i was too emotional i wanted love. i thought he loved me but he didnt, and i realized this when he didnt introduce me to his friends and family. but still i loved him. He got a offer to move to Paris, he made plans without telling me. he told me in short how this job was imp to him, he went away i had no choice. i did let him go thinking he may not comeback or he may… he did with few missed calls and a reminder to be available online at a particular time. he said he missed me and wanted to b with me and was buying a house for me. 3 mnts passed he asked me to wait and then l was shocked to know that he was living in with a new gf. i was shattered broken but how and whom to complain, he was’nt there he was not sorry. i focused on job but still i had hope he might change. he again called me after 3 mnts asking me to forgive and forget the past and marry him. i was in so much pain, moreover i didnt trust him but still i told him i m ready to give him a chance if he came back but he didnt and i got the news that he was married to another girl. After 3 mnts i again got a call from him he said he was sorry. wanted help in divorce and wanted help he wanted me to listen to him all night long. i did bcuz i still loved him, took leave so that i can be up all night listening to him, but he disappeared again as soon as his divorce was finalized, he sent me email on valentine day telling me how much he hated me……i did reply back this time telling him to go away for ever. i concentrated on my job, got promoted and was financially secure. but so lonely. i was not able to love anyone bcuz of the pain and truama and maybe my love for him. we didnt talk for about 6 yrs, but then again i got a message from him saying sorry, he said he wanted a closure but it took me back again into that whirlpool of pain and trauma, he came up with a new story this time that how perfect he was and what a loving husband he was and i was not able to understand him and i didnt love him and i was bad and bla bla bla. he told me that he was hated by his wife who didnt love him. i tried to comfort him but i realized i might land up as a third person in the marriage so i asked him not to call me ever again. its been 3 yrs since then but i am again into that cycle of pain and longing and deeply hurt. i dnt know how to get out of this. i m 35 now, i dnt have a family ppl tell me i m too old to have a baby now, i love no one but whenever i think about love i think of him but he was a abuser? what do i want what am i looking for but i didnt find those ans? now i m left with no desire to live i hate myself. there is emptiness around me.

• This topic was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by ainka. Reason: spellings