Paul,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how regret can swell up, making us feel like we missed our chance. Sometimes when we have been unsafe for a long time (such as the physical and emotional abuses you experienced), we find and cling to something beautiful. Like a teddy bear for a child, this beauty becomes an object of our dreaming. Julie seems to be like that for you. The desire and appreciation of her beauty and all the potential dreams you had with her helped you reimagine a life free from the “rod” and other shadows of your past. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that as a youth, perhaps it was difficult for you to feel safe…. so expressing your desire (asking her out) didn’t feel safe. However, the desire was there, unexpressed, and over time became a little obsessive. Consider that you don’t really know Julie very well, she just “shines” in your mind and heart. That shining isn’t even from her, not really, its because you desired her, and didn’t do anything about it. So the potential sticks, because maybe she feels like “your way out” or “your soulmate”. Hogwash!

You forge your path, brother. Even here and now, its the clinging, not the women, that disturb your tender heart. In your heart-space, you still have pictures up of Julie on the walls. What if pictures. If only pictures. Perhaps pictures of her curves and valleys. Peace will come when you choose to take them down. You can… we all have regret. Pack them up in a box, take them to your garage, and let them go.

Consider also that perhaps you have needs going unmet with your wife. Do you express your desire to her? Do you feel safe asking her for things? Do you pay her tender attention and ask her to pay you tender attention? Are you still looking for home, or have you found it? Built it? Maintain it? Do you try to submit to her desires all the time so you stay safe? What do you need that you aren’t getting?

Those are the kinds of questions that will help you find your home, your appreciative joy, your feeling of safety. As a kid, perhaps you were a victim, unable to do anything about your station or status. Now, though, you’re not. Not anymore. Not to your parents, and not to your unmet desires. You don’t get to go back and see what would have happened with Julie had you asked her out. You missed that boat, and the regret only keeps you from realizing you’re on a different boat, full of vibrance and beauty. So pack it up, grieve the lost desire, and move on.

Don’t worry, though, its not something that has to be forced, such as “move on, you nitwit, what’s the problem?” Quite the opposite. Letting go is a slow, gentle process that many of us are never taught. To let go, we self nurture. We open up the space around us, within us, and let the feeling of seeing “what was there” blossom and become released. For instance, perhaps you could hop in a tub with some candles, ask your wife to gently play with your hair, go for a walk in nature, or something else quiet, gentle, where your body is surrounded by psychological space and emotional warmth. Then, just breathe. Breathe in where you are, what you’ve built, who you are. And keep breathing. See the boy, scared to ask her out, afraid of the stick, afraid of rejection, of unrequited feelings. Just a confused and scared boy… normal, usual, lovable. Didn’t have the strength or courage to be free in that moment, to simply be and do what he wants. Normal, usual. And breathe. In this way, we begin to practice self compassion, or making space for ourselves, what we truly are and were. Not “if only”, but “what was”. Then, whatever unresolved crap floats to the surface, here and now we are ready to hug and adore that boy, help him grieve his abuse, his fear, the domino losses.

That way, you can get up out of that tub refreshed, or feel your wife’s fingers on your scalp more directly, more appreciatively, or see the beauty in the trees and animals of nature. Or whatever. Then, we’re not so lost in our own regret that we miss out on what is here and now (which ironically blossoms as regret yet again when now is gone, another missed chance at coming home). Instead, we wake up, grab hold of our present, and open up to what’s around us. Then, the past won’t matter, it really holds little allure, because the love and grace flows through us more strongly with each day. Why would we wish to go back?

With warmth,
Matt