How to have both?

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    Hi Everyone,

    I have recently been self reflecting on where I am in life regarding love and relationships and it’s confusing. First off, I want to be in a relationship someday, but I start to feel uncomfortable when I think about having the seriousness of that commitment and the obligation to the other person. What’s scary to me is that I don’t mind like someone, but them liking me back is frightening. Mind you I have been a couple situations with emotionally unavailable people which probably played a role in me thinking that way. In a perfect world, I would love to have all the perks of a relationship without everything being so serious. Anyhow, here’s another problem.

    I have an extremely hard time having both a sexual connection and emotional connection with just one person. Most of the time, it’s either one or the other. For example, if I’m emotionally connected to a person, I’m usually not attracted to them at all. They could be beautiful and very sexy, and I still wouldn’t feel anything physical for them. On the other hand, if I’m physically attracted to someone, it usually is just sex and I’m very distant. It makes them feel as if they are just there for one purpose. It’s like I have a mental block that stops me from having both. My questions are: Is this common? How can I get over this?



    When you meet the right person, the fears you now have will be exciting to overcome. The thoughts you have now only fuels that fear but you have to see them as irrational and not practical because in the present moment, you don’t have a partner to work on these things with. See this experience as an opportunity to better yourself. The better you are, the better you can care for your partner. It’ll be easier to overcome your fear when you have someone worth overcoming them for and you too will benefit from this. It will make the experience with them even more beautiful.

    Expose yourself in a safe way to your anxieties about this and slowly begin overcoming them one step at a time. You seem like a good person and if you push yourself to commit to working on bettering yourself, you will undoubtedly find success. Go slow, know what the real issue is, and take steps to correct them.

    Remember that you’re not being held at gunpoint to feel the way you do. It’s a choice. Commit your thoughts to thinking more positive about this, see yourself overcoming these obstacles, even if you don’t feel worthy, always know that you are.

    Thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog and may offer further advice.

    Good luck, my friend!



    What you’re experiencing is pretty normal, frequent enough it has a pointer called “the Madonna/whore complex”. Loving warmth and sexual passion seem mutually exclusive.

    The solution depends on how deeply it goes. Perhaps spend time acknowledging, resting with and accepting that every woman is a balance between motherly and minxly, just as every man is a balance between fatherly and studly. Both are good, fine, fun, healthy, part of the dance.

    Consider laying off the porn for awhile, as there is a lot of debasement that can increase the division. When sex gets linked to the objectification form of dominance, it makes it that much more difficult to resolve warmth vs passion.

    Consider reading about sacred sexuality. Sex isn’t just a game of boobs and boners and sense pleasures. Nor is it dirty or shameful. It’s a story of polar forces coming together into union, connecting, growing life. Perhaps some knowledge would help pull your perception of sex out of the shadow. If its there, of course.

    Finally, this can sometimes run quite deep, so if it continues to trouble you, consider getting some therapy. A good therapist could help you uncover the false belief or other root issue that keeps your energy from flowing more simply.

    With warmth,


    Hey Cyd,

    I’m going through a similar situation like you are. Have you been in a relationship before? I’ve never been in a relationship…although I have had numerous crushes on people. Reading your story, and Matt’s response of course, I’ve realized that people have to remember to see others as individuals. Sometimes people don’t want to be in a relationship that has NOTHING to do with you. Maybe they got through a rought breakup or a divorce, someone died, or they just prefer the peace of being single without wasting their time, effort, and energy on a person. I’ll use myself as an example.

    Since I was 19, I had a crush on a famous singer. I’ve told my friend about him so many times, I said to myself, “Why are you playing this record inside your head? He doesn’t know you exist, and you don’t know who he is without the fame, so it’s best to let go.” Believe me, it hasn’t been easy. The longest I went without anything related to this person was a month. But, luckily, I have a huge family, and events that happen everyday, so that should take my mind off of him. This isn’t the first time I had a crush on a singer. I also like another guy from another band (guess I have a thing for musicians) and it was easy to get over him because I was a teenager at the time.

    Another guy I liked, we had a connection, but I started to get clingy, and he persisted that I take better care of myself because he’s not always online to chat.

    Bottom Line: Don’t be overly clingy, but don’t be a stranger either. Just be yourself.


    Hi everyone. Thanks for helping me put this in perspective. Adam, I agree that my thoughts play a big role in my fears and that I need to change how I think. I really wont know how life goes until it actually happens and until I have a relationship. I can overcome this fear. Matt, I have begin to read on the Madonna Whore Complex and it explains my situation very well. It really helps me to put my issue into perspective and let me know how irrational my thinking is. I will also look more into the idea of sacred sexuality ad sexuality in general to help me bridge the disconnect between me viewing sex more as objectification. Aiyana, I too have never been in a real relationship. When I met someone I thought I loved I was extremely clingy, maybe because I had never felt so good before. I realized that being clingy turned people off and that I have to love from a place of confidence and strength which I feel I’m capable of now.

    Once again Thanks Everyone! 🙂


    You say you want to be in a relationship but “feel uncomfortable when I think about having the seriousness of that commitment and the obligation to the other person”. That alone tells me you’re not ready. Why would you be afraid of someone liking you, what’s not to like? I say this: when you meet someone that pushes all your buttons and when you realize you’re someone worth spending time with, it’ll clear up.

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