Dear Michelle:

You shared that you have a friends who had a relationship with a man 20 years older than her. Given your age, from previous threads, I am guessing that she is in her 30s and he is in his 50s. He cheated on her with a woman his age, and your friend broke up with him. But she continues to contact him, while he “does not have much interest in connecting with her”. She is angry at the woman he cheated on her with, but she is not angry wit6h him.

“She wonders why she is not angry at him, but I feel it’s because her power is still released to him. She wants him to give it back, needs him to do  so”– I don’t quite understand the part I italicized. Can you explain it to me/ elaborate on it?

anita

Dear Michelle:

I know the feeling of giving another person the power- it is a very frustrating experience, a humiliating experience.

It makes me think of the power dynamic in dogs (and other animals). When a dog encounters a more powerful dog, the weaker one, believing he doesn’t have much of a chance to win a confrontation, feels no anger and  rolls over on his back.

When a dog encounters a dog of  lesser power, believing he has a good chance to win a confrontation, he/she feels angry, then  growls and threatens aggression.

Your friend, seeing that man as having the power to give her something she desperately need, is naturally not going to feel anger at him. On the other hand, she feels angry at the woman he cheated on her with because she doesn’t perceive that woman as powerful, as one capable of giving her what she needs, that validation that you mentioned.

anita