Dear Ashmitha:

On January 20 this year, you shared about your boyfriend’s motivation vs yours: “He is still very much sexually attracted to me but I care more that he is attracted to my personality and that we are close friends”.

Four months later, May 25, you shared: “I know he is physically attracted to me but I don’t think he’s as interested in me as a person.. I know physical attraction and intimacy is important, but I think I have a lot to offer as a person, besides my appearance”-

-it seems to me that he is interested in you, being that you are an attractive woman who is not a family member, as a sexual object.

Jan 2021: “I have been told by close friends (females and males) that I have a great personality”- his behavior indicates that he is not interested in you as a person, that he doesn’t care to get to know you in depth. That’s why he chooses to spend his free time online with his family and friends, and in many group chats that do not include you (“He is online a lot during the evening after his work hours, so he is likely talking to friends/ family. He has lots of group chats. Also his work is only busy at the end of the month “, Jan 2021)

You shared today: “He is respectful, calm and understanding person.. a good guy”, being respectful, calm, understanding, and a good guy, he takes you out to eat and talk with you before having sex (“We mostly just go out to eat, talk and then are intimate”).  A man who uses a woman for sex does not necessarily acts rudely, most men know that they have to be nice so to have sex with a woman.

“He said I should be flattered that he’s still so attracted to me but I find it kind of annoying at times”- annoyed perhaps because the only attraction he has expressed to you is a sexual attraction?

* Many men who view women as sexual objects do get married, but they don’t change their view of women/ their wife, because of marriage.

If I am correct, I am sorry that this is your current situation.

anita

Dear Ashmitha,

I can see how I’m settling for less than I expect.

yes, and you’re afraid to even bring it up:

I’ve vocalized that I want more real dates (going hiking, doing an activity), but I’ve mentioned it more playfully,

I am going to bring it up to him. Withhold intimacy? Ask for weekend dates? Ask for phone calls? It seems like a lot.

When you did request daily check-ins, he agreed at first but it soon tapered off:

I did tell him that I’d like to have a check-in at least daily. He agreed he could do that and it lasted for a few weeks, then tapered off (which usually happens when I bring things up).

The only good thing about him, it seems, is that he’s not rude and aggressive with you. He calmly listens to your complaints, respectfully acknowledges his mistakes, changes his behavior for a brief time, and then – nothing. Same old, same old:

When I bring up complaints, he just listens and never raises his voice at me. He acknowledges his mistakes. I appreciate his calmness because I’m used to seeing men around me with anger issues.

What you’re getting from him is a different communication style than it was of your father’s. He’s calm, never raises his voice and seemingly listens to you (but doesn’t really follow through). He doesn’t get angry or violent with you, he doesn’t threaten you, he doesn’t even quarrel with you. He’s giving away a completely different vibe than your father, and it gives you a sense of safety that you never had at home. We’ve talked about it before. You crave this safety, and that’s why you can’t be long without a partner.

So, this safety, and him being a different temperament than your father is what keeps you hooked. But he’s not giving you much else. He isn’t interested in spending time with you, he doesn’t want to bond with you except through sex, his family and friends are more important to him than you. He gives you attention once per week, but other than that, it’s almost like he forgets about you.

If you really want to get to the bottom of this, you’d need to work on your fear of being alone, because it seems to me it’s the main thing that keeps you with him. That’s why you can’t even demand things for yourself. But in this case, I don’t think there’s even a point in demanding anything, because you’ve already tried it, and it didn’t work out. And if he doesn’t want to do it spontaneously, because he loves you and cares about you, then what’s the point? Do you want someone who needs to be reminded to give you attention on the other days of the week too?

As anita says, you’d need to tell him it’s not working for you. I know it’s hard for you to let him go because of the promise of safety that he offers. That’s why you’d need to work on those deeper issues (your fear of being alone, and your fear of having any argument in a relationship), to change the pattern and open the door for a deep, satisfying relationship.

Dear Ashmitha:

Inspired by the very intelligent and insightful posts right above, I am adding the following (please take your time reading the multiple posts submitted for you, including this one, and take your time to calmly and patiently consider and evaluate the content):

In April you wrote regarding previous relationships and current one: “subconsciously, I am looking for something ‘wrong’… It probably does stem from my fear of having a marriage like my parents“- because a woman is looking for something wrong in a relationship does not mean that when she finds something that is wrong- it must be her mistaken perception. I believe that in your current relationship, both are true: you looked for something wrong, and you found it.  There really is something wrong: (a) a lack of compatibility: he wants sex from you and nothing more; you want more, (b) dishonesty on his part (I will elaborate on the latter later in this post).

You also wrote: “I think I have a hard time fully trusting people and letting them in because I’m scared they will disappoint me, like my dad did“- again, because a woman doesn’t fully trust people and doesn’t let them in does not mean that every man she meets is trustworthy and should be let in!

Also, it is true that you did not adequately communicate with your boyfriend clearly and assertively, ex., in your original post yesterday, you wrote: “I’ve vocalized that I want more dates.. but I’ve mentioned it more playfully, so I think I need to be more stern”, and it is true that.. his only interest with you seems to be sex, and nothing more. More assertive communication on your part is unlikely to change his interest.

* Telling him playfully that you want more dates, reminds me of the “lol” in your April thread, regarding your father: “He would threaten my mom a lot, and hold knives to scare her. This did not scare me lol. I would go to the kitchen, get my own knife, and stand up to him”- you use humor to lower your anxiety/ diffuse expected or feared conflicts.

Back to your boyfriend: “When I bring up complaints, he just listens and never raises his voice at me. He acknowledges his mistakes. I appreciate his calmness“- at this time, after getting to  know him through your posts, over time- I think that him listening to you calmly, acknowledges his mistakes is his way to diffuse and de-escalate conflict (your complaint), a common strategy employed in customer service and public relations. He doesn’t really acknowledge his mistakes, he just makes you feel  better by faking such acknowledgement.

I suspect that when he says to you “things like ‘when we get married’ and ‘when we have kids’ etc.”, with no behavior that suggests such interests on his part- these are manipulative comments, aimed at keeping you interested and motivated to avail yourself to him. (These powerful and effective comments are easy to say, they don’t take any effort on his part, and they don’t cost him any money).

Back to what you shared in April regarding you standing up to your father so to protect your mother: “I would stand up to him… I saw myself as a stronger woman than she was, and I felt the need to protect her because she was a fearful person”-

– it is time for you to stand up to this (calm yet dishonest) man, and protect yourself from being further used and misused by him.

anita

Dear Ashmitha,

I am sorry you had another disappointment. But it’s great that you talked to him beforehand and honestly expressed your concerns and also your needs. That was a huge step you did for yourself – so well done!

He said everything was unintentional and hard to see without taking a step back and evaluating it.

This I feel is again one of his manipulations. He’ll always find some excuse why he cannot spend more time with you, he’ll always find some justification. Like now: you agreed to have a date and he cancels in the last moment, but not due to an emergency that he really needed to tend to, but do to a family event that a) he probably knew in advance about, and b) is not super important either, because it’s a prayer for his cousin’s mother who passed away 2 years ago.

I am almost sure he knew about this prayer in advance, since he’s so close to his family, they probably informed him. If it was really important that he be there, he could have arranged a date with you for another day, say Sunday. But I guess on Sunday he has other family obligations, which he doesn’t want and doesn’t dare to cancel. You say it wasn’t the first time he cancelled due to his family, so clearly, they are his priority, even in unimportant things, which he definitely wouldn’t need to tend to.

In this situation, I could see how it wasn’t his fault since it was his family. But I feel they are so demanding of his time. This has bothered me early into dating. And he doesn’t have a backbone so he doesn’t say no to them. I don’t see this changing either.

Actually, I think it’s his fault because he most probably knew about it, but thought he’d be able to skip it, but then as soon as his sister texted him, he agreed to go and cancelled your date. Which means, as you say, he isn’t able to say No to them, and if he isn’t willing to change, he’ll always prioritize them before you.

If you were to get married, it would be a nightmare to have a husband who’s so much controlled by his parents and his family, while his wife almost doesn’t have a say. She’s just there for sex and raising the children, and is given hardly any respect and appreciation, and isn’t considered in important decisions. This I see as a real threat if you’d marry this guy, unfortunately.

Dear Ashmitha,

it’s good that you talked with him again and expressed your needs, and also asked questions to understand him better. That’s a prerequisite for a healthy relationship, and you did it well on your part.

He said “he likes you a lot and wants to make it work”. Well, what’s certain is that he likes to have sex with you and he likes your physical appearance, but other than that, he doesn’t show he likes you very much: he never talks with you on the phone, he doesn’t inquire about you during the day, he hardly replies to your texts, he hides you from his friends and family, he never spends weekends with you, and he stood you up multiple times when you had a date planned.

He only shows affection once a week – that’s when he treats you nicely, does some sweet talk, makes promises about the future, and then, he practically forgets about you…

You say you don’t think he’s stringing you along – maybe, but then he doesn’t have a clue what a healthy relationship looks like. And also, he can be caring and responsive to his friends and family – why can’t he be towards you? He doesn’t seem like some immature boy with no emotional intelligence – you said he’s quite caring with his family. But he doesn’t extend that caring to you. And it seems he doesn’t want to either – he doesn’t seem he really wants to change. Perhaps he really believes this is how the intimate relationship should be – be physically intimate, but emotionally not?

It’s good that you’re seeing it clearly that what you have isn’t a healthy relationship:

I’m feeling resentful because my needs aren’t being met with him. I don’t even require a lot of attention but this doesn’t feel like a relationship to me. I’m losing interest in fighting; I’m starting to just pull away. Him failing to be the strong man I want to marry is also making me lose attraction for him. Him letting himself be controlled by his younger sisters and female cousins is not attractive.

 

I invited him to meet my friends next month but he said “don’t be mad, my sister’s birthday party is then.” I said I wasn’t mad and he told me to stop lying and that I can voice my opinion…. Except that I wasn’t actually mad. I feel like he thinks he’s walking on eggshells with me?

He knows you as someone who is “low maintenance”, who never or rarely complains, who is easy going… and now that you’re voicing your concerns more openly, insisting on certain things, he’s probably taken aback. He can’t get away with his sweet talk and excuses so easily any more. So maybe he got a little afraid of you, he is on unknown territory, and that’s why you feel like he’s walking on eggshells?

I feel like I’ve vocalized how I feel to him but I don’t see behaviour changes. We still hardly communicate throughout the week. But he always fights to stay together when I bring problems up? I can’t tell if he wants this or not.

It seems to me that he wants “this” what you have now to continue. He wants to keep the status quo, keep feeding you the lie that he cares about you, while in reality showing very little care and respect for you. Whether he’s doing it unintentionally (not knowing better), or intentionally (just using you for fun), is beside the point, since he doesn’t really want to change. The question is whether you want “this”, or you want something else?

One thing I am struggling with is the thought of being single again. I would be okay with it myself, but the opinion of others is bothering me. This is my 4th “serious” relationship and 4 is a lot in my culture. I’ve been told by a close male friend to stop dating and just settle down with someone. I’m sure people talk about how I’ve dated “a lot.” This is also in the back of my mind.

I hear you, I understand your fear of being alone – not just because of “what the people will say”, but also because of your childhood experience. In your past relationships you went in and out somewhat unaware, driven by your unconscious fears. You needed someone to be there for you and protect you, that’s why you couldn’t stay single for too long. But also you didn’t want confrontation, so you escaped as soon as there was a problem, without talking it through with your partner.

This was your pattern in the past. But now you’re more aware of those fears, you’re also more aware of your true needs and that it’s legitimate to have them. So there’s a much bigger chance that now, you won’t go blindly into a relationship, and that you won’t escape as easily either. There’s a greater chance that you go into a relationship with self-awareness, with knowing what you want and need, and being willing to communicate openly and honestly.

You’ve been doing the communication part already, which is great, and it seems to me you’re ready for a new level of relationship. If your current boyfriend isn’t willing to follow you there, isn’t willing to change, there really is no need to keep yourself stuck with him. Rather, know that you deserve better and are ready for better, and work on your fears of being alone. Soothe and comfort your inner child, tell her you’ll be there for her and will never abandon her.

Fear is the main reason that keeps you stuck in this relationship. If you can work on it and process it, you’ll be free for so much more. And trust me, a better, healthier relationship is awaiting somewhere down the line!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.