Dear Ashmitha,

I am sorry you felt bad after the breakup and started questioning yourself. It was to be somewhat expected because being single triggers your old fear – fear of being alone, without protector, without a safe male companion. This guy seemed safe, and he probably was in the sense that he wouldn’t physically abuse you. He had a very calm demeanor – very different from your father. He would never raise his voice, he would never quarrel with you, he would listen calmly and even acknowledge his mistakes (at least with words). This was very appealing to you because it meant he won’t physically harm you, that you’re safe with him, and that should you marry him, you wouldn’t be in danger of domestic violence.

So he didn’t abuse you physically, or verbally, and it sounded promising to you. Probably you weren’t even conscious of it, but his calm, peaceful presence was very important to you. So important that it made you believe he was a good, kind man – even though he was emotionally unresponsive and in fact, abusive. A scared child in you cherished his peaceful presence so much that it clouded your judgement…

Luckily, another part of you (the adult in you) felt that something is off and started questioning his intentions. Little by little, you’ve realized he’s giving you breadcrumbs and this isn’t how a healthy relationship should be.

I had told him I was starting to resent him for ignoring my needs after I expressed them and he said we should break up if I resented him. It had me questioning if I was in the wrong or he was and I was second-guessing my word choice. Like maybe I was rushing him..He said he was doing it for my own good. I felt that insecure part of me after breakups come back.. I thought I had grown since then.

So, your adult part told him you’re resenting him for not meeting your needs and that you want more out of the relationship. Your adult part agreed to break up with him, knowing he’s not willing to change and doesn’t want a serious relationship. That’s the rational part. But then your scared inner child started panicking after she realized that from now on, you’ll be without his peaceful presence. The scared child has only one goal in mind: to feel safe, so you started second-guessing yourself and even tried talking to him again, possibly reconsidering your decision.

The scared inner child is the insecure part that you’re referring to. She wants to feel safe, and feels threatened when alone. That’s why I told you to try to tend to this scared part, which needs to feel physically safe. Try to be a good parent to her, protecting her and telling her she’s safe with you. If you have a doll, you may want to stroke her hair and take her into your arms to protect her.

You say “I thought I had grown since then“. You grew in understanding, but not necessarily emotionally. The scared inner child is still in you… and needs to be soothed. You need emotional healing, and I hope the inner child work can help you with that.

As for advice for dating in the future – my advice is to first heal your emotional wounds (primarily the fear of being alone), and only then seek a new relationship. You’ve already started working on your other big fear: fear of confrontation, i.e. of expressing your needs, which was another obstacle in your relationships. You had a break-through in expressing your needs, and I think it was a huge step for you. How do you feel now about expressing your needs? Do you feel you’re stronger and more able to do it in the future as well, or there is still some fear and insecurity around that?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Tee.

Dear Ashmitha:

You are welcome. I am glad to read that you are feeling a lot better today, more at peace with your decision, that you have a friend in a similar situation that you can talk with, and that you intend to put your energy into excelling in your Master’s degree and finding a great job next summer when you graduate!

I think that finding a quality therapist is a great idea. You wrote that you are debating between a social worker, psychotherapist or psychologist- I don’t know much about the difference between these, but I bet there is a few good online sources on the matter. Personally I had a high quality psychotherapist for a couple of years. His specialty was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). He added a heavy dose of Mindfulness to his practice. He was flexible, not limited to CBT, using many theories and creative techniques.

After a few sessions of getting to know me, he put together a list of objectives for my therapy,  and ways to meet those objectives (he gave me a printout of those). Over time he adjusted those. He was empathetic and generous with his time (If he didn’t have a client after me, he gave me a longer session, not charging for the extra time). After each session he gave me homework (or sent me an email later with a homework assignment) which we went over in the following session.

anita