How to know when to give up?

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This topic has 21 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 4 months ago by Jerry.

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June 25, 2013 at 8:45 pm #37452

kelly467
Participant

Good day… I was just browsing on the internet for some stuff to help me decide and help me move on, I found this site. I’m a very spiritual person, I do believe in the power of prayer, but at times like this when I am in so much pain that sometimes I forget my real purpose in life. Let me get straight to the point… I have this friend in FB and we were never really close before. I do however notice he is also quite spiritual in his own way. I was undergoing through some very difficult personal problems when I asked him for advice and male’s point of view. This brought us closer…. and to make the long story short, we became together. It felt so good to have a kind of relationship with someone who also believes in the very same things I also believed in. I fell in love with him… but this time, I knew it was really the right kind of love. He is American, and I am a Filipina. We knew it won’t be easy, long distance relationships sucks, but from day one, I knew I could handle it. He is divorced and his kids stays with his ex wife. I admire him for being a good father and I know he is a good man. The problem is, after almost 2 months, small petty arguments arose. I know it’s part of every relationships and I also know our situation is hard. But my problem is, everytime that happens, his option is always to end it. Then he starts to accuse me of changing. The thing is, I believe in open communication, and we should always discuss things as adults. But when we argue, he simply wants to ignore it and run. I know people are different in so many ways and acceptance is important in every relationships. I am not perfect and I do have my share of mistakes, but I’m not a bad person either and I know and admit it when I’m wrong. He’s got a bad marriage with his wife and he told me she cheated on him 3 years ago. Would it be possible that he’s never really recovered from it? I’m at a loss right now and would gladly appreciate it if someone will listen to me and help me out of this misery… right now, my heart is too heavy, I can only pray for strength and wisdom… thank you…

June 26, 2013 at 9:07 am #37469

Jerry
Participant

Hi Kelly,

Falling in love is such a wonderful feeling. Loving someone and wanting the relationship to work is important. Facing disagreements with an open heart is important too. Being vulnerable and open during those petty arguments is difficult. It hurts when that love connection is broken. Second guessing where he is or what causes his desire to run is tricky business. Stay with your spiritual practice. Feeling the pain and staying open is hard, but it is how we learn through our humanity. I say a prayer for your heavy heart.

Jerry

June 26, 2013 at 3:55 pm #37490

Jenni
Participant

Hi Jerry,

I started dating a man I dated back in 1989 again. We have been back together almost 4 years now, but we live an hour apart so we only see each other once a week. We are both divorced and have been talking about living together, but doubt it will ever happen, he likes having the freedom to do what he wants and thinks I may try to hold him back, but I wouldn’t, I need my freedom too. He has had it tough most of his life and I know that has something to do with it. He always blames himself for our fights, which it IS him. I am not sure if he is just scared or what. Neither one of us wants to get married again, so that is not the problem. I do try to see him sometimes during the week, but I am always the one that mentions it happening. I told him now that I am not asking to stay anymore, if he wants me to stay he has to ask. So far it has happened twice, but doubt it will happen again. Also, I don’t think we are in love anymore, we do definitely love each other. We both tell each other we are the loves of our lives and we want to be together forever, but I am doubtful. I don’t think he will ever be able to give me the kind of love and attention I think I need. I really want us to work, but he doesn’t want to make changes. My heart is breaking…I really want him to be my last

June 26, 2013 at 6:53 pm #37492

kelly467
Participant

Thanks Jerry… I know love is the only thing that makes sense in this world. The problem is ppl mess it up all the time. I’m such a hopeless romantic and by heart I still believe in happy endings. Sadly, doesn’t work that way for me… I know he loves me, he’s proven that at least. The problem is in every mistake or imperfection I make, he gets so mad and accuses me of things I cannot take. I already fought for us twice, but now I’m just so confused, I’m keeping my space and silence. I believe if you really love someone, you will try to work out your differences and meet halfway, right? I don’t feel that way and I admit, I’m a very loyal person when it comes to love… I had high hopes and dreams for us… now all I have is a broken heart… I don’t know how to survive this 🙁

June 27, 2013 at 4:28 am #37494

Jerry
Participant

Kelly,
Loving someone is always a risk. Loving other human beings is an authentic human need. When that connection is broken it just hurts.

I am also a romantic. I too believe in the power of love. But just because you have fallen in love with him, just because you still love him, doesn’t necessarily mean it is going to work between you.

It is right and good to want someone to be intimate with, to hold close, to love with all of your heart. Your ability to stand in your own truth now is important. Even if it hurts. Embrace the hurt. Allow the tears to flow. Offer it in your prayers. Find a friend or counselor to hold your hand. It seems as if the heart will break, it can be overwhelming, but it won’t break.

You are being very vulnerable here and that speaks well of you. I offered prayers for you in our healing circle last night. Hold fast.
Jerry

June 27, 2013 at 4:36 am #37496

kelly467
Participant

Dear Jenni,

I would love to help you out, but at the moment, I am also undergoing some pain so all I can offer you is my prayer and hope that everything works out for you… may God guide us through this difficult time… stay strong.

June 27, 2013 at 4:45 am #37497

kelly467
Participant

Dear Jerry,

Thank you again for the good advice… sadly I cannot seem to cry lately. I don’t know why…. I always go to this adoration chapel and just sit there for hours, hoping a miracle will happen and take away the pain. I want to give him enough space so he can think and decide for himself. It hurts too much, but I can see no other way. I don’t want to expect anymore or even hope that we will get back together. I can only pray for God to guide me and help him too… I hope I can rely on good people here to help me get through this. Right now I am assisting my friends children, for I lost my friend last April 7, their Mom. The kids are not doing good and still miss my friend a lot. They are close to me so I try to be there for them whenever I can. IT somehow feels up the sadness and pain a bit… am I making any sense? God, sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing….you are a blessing to so many people here who needs your help and for that, I want to thank you…

June 27, 2013 at 4:53 am #37498

kelly467
Participant

Dear Jerry,

Thank you again for the good advice… sadly I cannot seem to cry lately. I don’t know why…. I always go to this adoration chapel and just sit there for hours, hoping a miracle will happen and take away the pain. I want to give him enough space so he can think and decide for himself. It hurts too much, but I can see no other way. I don’t want to expect anymore or even hope that we will get back together. I can only pray for God to guide me and help him too… I hope I can rely on good people here to help me get through this. Right now I am assisting my friends children, for I lost my friend last April 7, their Mom. The kids are not doing good and still miss my friend a lot. They are close to me so I try to be there for them whenever I can. IT somehow fills up the sadness and pain a bit… am I making any sense? God, sometimes I don’t even know what I’m doing….you are a blessing to so many people here who needs your help and for that, I want to thank you…

June 27, 2013 at 5:03 am #37499

Jerry
Participant

Hi Jenni,
There is much in your post.

There is much love between you, and that is always a good place to start.

There can be patterns of caring behaviors that build that place of love between you. But your heart is breaking, and the hurt is telling you something too. Opening up to this man again was a big risk, and it is hard to know what to do now.

You deserve to be loved and cherished, but the hurt you feel is very real. Stay in your truth and let you heart guide you (even if it hurts.)

I will offer prayers for your and your friend today. Jerry

June 27, 2013 at 5:16 am #37501

Jerry
Participant

Kelly,

I am thankful for this site, so we can just reach out over space and time. A wonderful use of our technology.

I read your post and cried for you today. Surrendering to the Higher Power is always a good thing to do. Helping the little people is very important too. They are excellent teachers.

And yes you are making sense. And no it is not easy to go through the pain, but it is necessary. Look for the still point as you consciously breathe through it. It is there. It is your Divinity that is always present.

Namaste, Jerry

June 29, 2013 at 12:22 am #37584

kelly467
Participant

Jerry, can u please help me out again? I wrote him a goodbye letter.. but I’m not sure whether to give it to him… maybe I just want to release my emotions, coz I’m so hurting… or maybe I need closure, I don’t know. Maybe I also need to hear that it’s over… God, I’m such a mess…sorry

June 29, 2013 at 12:55 am #37585

Jerry
Participant

Hi Kelly.
I am here. That is the best help I can give you at this moment. Only you know the best thing to do.

Deciding to give the letter is a way for you to create closure for yourself and for him. The hurt confuses things. I get that.

Doesn’t seem like you are a mess. Seems like you are doing an okay job of taking care of yourself in a state of turmoil. So just close your eyes and I will hold your hand for a bit to support you whatever you do.

Jerry

June 29, 2013 at 6:21 am #37590

kelly467
Participant

Thank you again for listening…. I really wonder how u guys can find time to help out those in need of your good advice and wisdom. Frankly, I don’t even know how I’m getting through the day. My heart is always heavy and I pray a lot for sanity and guidance. I try my best to still do what is right. I know I don’t have any right to question God, coz I really believed in my heart He gave Michael to me… but I’m not getting any sign lately. If I follow my heart I know I will beg him back, but if I follow my mind I will wait until this is over, and when he decides he really wants to end it, that would be the day I will die. It’s been 6 days now.. no word from him. It’s getting harder each day, that’s why I made that goodbye letter so in case he’s having a hard time breaking it to me… I’m giving him an easy way out. Coz frankly, I’m so tired begging for love. That isn’t what love is all about, right? Love is something very special to me, and it should be based on mutual trust, respect, honesty and open communication. I thought we had that… is it wrong for me to still hope?

June 29, 2013 at 10:17 am #37598

Jerry
Participant

Kelly,

I am sorry that you are going through this. There is a lot in your post.

Sometimes we think that we need others to make us happy. That the other person will fill that need, that void, and then we can know love.

Love is based on mutual trust, respect, honesty and open communication. I think you are on the right track here.

Opening our hearts is always risky, because we risk being hurt. I know you are hurting right now and am just supporting you as you go through it. I honor your ability to put this out on the blog.

Know that whatever happens, this period of intense feeling will pass and you will be okay. We humans are very resiliant beings.

In light and love,

Jerry

June 30, 2013 at 5:15 am #37643

kelly467
Participant

You know I went to this wonderful Church this morning, I had a very solemn and beautiful mass it touched my soul. I stayed there for hours and wish I can simply stay there. After the mass, there was this healing, like the anointing of the sick and it was my first time so I was very touched when the lay minister prayed for me while putting some oil in my forehead and palm. I felt so at peace… I don’t want to blame anyone and at this point in my life, I just want to be at peace and be happy again. I surrendered everything to God now and whatever happens, I know He will be with me every step of the way. It won’t be easy I know… I don’t even know what will happen to me in the future, but for now, I just don’t want to hurt anymore… I don’t want to beg, I deserve more than that! I simply want to exist so I can still love and be with my family, my friends and whoever needs my help. I still want to think I’m blessed coz there are way too many people who are going through so much pain and sickness… I just realized, if he gives up on me now, then it’s better to end it. I cannot stay with someone who cannot even fight for me. The homily this morning was “Be patient, learn to wait”… so that’s what I’m going to do. I love him so much but he should also realize that it works both ways….
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