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How to leave a relationship?

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  • #138993
    Maria
    Participant

    I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for 2 years now and he is very lovely, caring and kind. He treats me well and with respect and I’m sure he’d do anything for me. However, he also has an extremely possessive side and I’ve become tired of being in a relationship. I care for him but I cannot love him anymore as I once did. But my worry is that if I break up with him, I don’t know how to get to my normal life again. I don’t have many friends left as it was mainly about spending time with him, messaging him and meeting him almost every day since 2015 and I know this isn’t healthy, I thought it was weird at first and when I needed space he made me guilty for wanting any.  He also used to make slight threats that if I left him he would kill himself and he wouldn’t know what to do- he makes a lot of money as a fashion designer and he says if I wasn’t there he wouldn’t know what to spend the money on. He hardly ever sees his friends anymore and his only interest is me. We had a “break” once last year but I cried all day and couldn’t deal with the loneliness of being away from him even though it was a mutual decision. I feel I’ll miss him if we break up however, I know I can’t stay. I feel so helpless because in one way I feel like staying with him forever as a friend so he doesn’t get heartbroken but in the other way, I am becoming miserable and trapped. Please help me find a way to break it to him that I can’t be in the relationship anymore, and also how to deal with my conflicting emotions and loneliness? Thank you so much.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Maria.
    #138997
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maria:

    To leave a relationship with minimized emotional pain and distress to you and to him:

    * leave it just once- make it final. If you end it and then re-start it only to end it again, and re-start it … that would cause unnecessary pain to both parties.

    * when you explain to him why you are leaving, make your explanation honest, simple to understand, and short. No lies, no “it’s me, not you” and such.

    * expect discomfort and distress for yourself (and for him) following the breakup and be prepared for it, form a plan of action. As far as your expected distress you can plan daily exercise, getting together with a friend weekly… journaling (maybe here, on this thread), etc. As far as his expected distress, plan if and how you will respond to future emails/ texts, phone calls and such. Plan on what you will write to him. That way you will be less likely to respond impulsively to his efforts (if there will be), to re-connect. Plan how you will react to lack of efforts on his part. Plan for the possibility that he will get a new girlfriend soon after (however you think it is unlikely).

    anita

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