May 13, 2014 at 9:22 pm #56237
I just got out of my first serious relationship… unfortunately for me, this first experience was absolutely awful. I was with him for a year & a half, but before we actually became official, I had known him 2 years prior. We were acquaintances, texting a majority of the time, and only hanging when we ran into each other at a mutual friends get-together…
See, I always kept my distance due to his lack of maturity (he was a party boy who lacked responsibility and many other things). I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I had to tell this boy that he was wasting his time trying to make him & I into anything because I knew all he was trying to do was have his cake, me, and eat it too, his partying and alcohol.
Finally, he got the point, or so I thought. About 2 or 3 months down the road he contacted me on FB, pouring out how much he has changed and grown… How he works, isn’t partying anymore and is much more responsible. I believed him and decided to give him a chance. We soon became official and I was pleased with this “new guy”. As the weeks and months went by, I was pleased with his changes, but I started noticing that although he was different, he was expressing some very intense anger when we fought which was shocking. It started with cussing a little more than probably appropriate, then to yelling, and then to name calling. It was awful… I mean, awful. It was the most bizarre feeling to me because people always treated me so well. When we fought I was called worthless, pointless, f*cking retard, f*cking stupid, f*cking idiot, a sorry excuse for a female, dumb ass, dumb….. they continue.
Of course I have self worth, and on multiple occasions left. Blocked his number, blocked him on FB, but he always managed to try contacting me. He would call from his work phone, friends phones, everything. He even showed up at my house a few times sobbing, begging me to forgive him, that he was sorry and blahhh blahhh blahhhhhhhh. I felt bad for him, every time he left a voice mail balling his eyes out, unable to reiterate words clearly, my heart broke. I softened up and would give him another chance to prove he can stop disrespecting me… It never happened, and got worse and worse. Well, months turned into a year & a half of a complete stab at my confidence, my heart, my mind and my soul. I was so unhappy, but still kept falling for his broken promises. Then came the breaking point, when he felt comfortable enough getting in my face, screaming in my ear, punching walls and then grabbing my face forcefully. I lost all my respect for him. He sensed it and I couldn’t hide it.
The ship sank quickly, and before you knew it, I decided to leave. It was an odd moment really… I was crying on the phone to him while he called me a f*cking retard in the car with one of his friends. I hung up the phone, blocked his number and was ready to get back to the girl I lost in that relationship… but I am SO mad at him, so angry he could just do this to someone. How? How is it human? He is a scumbag! I have NO doubt that this anger will pass and I will become extremely sick at the thought of putting any amount of time or energy into a human like that, but right now, I am pissed… So pissed that I cry sometimes if I don’t stop the thoughts of what he has done to me. And the worst part about it, he knew my father treated my mom horrible, including abuse, yet still abused me.. it’s sick. Any great advice would be life changing! <3May 14, 2014 at 3:40 am #56251siaParticipant
Dear sister, I feel sorry for you for all the pain. I came from a family where there is conflict, I kind of understand how you are feeling now. I want you to know that you sound like a brave person.( like those having a spine of steel kind of brave..) Vanessa, to let go of what happened may be difficult, but my advice would be this. It may not be as easy as it is to say that everything will be fine if you forgive. But, I would say, recover and refresh your thought process, take it one day at a time. Focus more on staying happy rather than thinking of not being sad. By thinking and entertaining thoughts of how he treated you that way and why he did again and again, will only make you more attached to the suffering, which will form a cycle of disappointment, pain and anger. This may become a habit and thus, will become a samskara, will gain power to change your inner self, to modify the way you will treat any other relationship later in life. Break it, come out of this with will power. Declare to yourself the lesson you learnt, and propose your love and respect to yourself. Thank god, yourself and lastly your friend for the good things and forshowing you what you would not want in life. Surround yourself with things and people that you are comfortable with. Eat to your content, and get good sleep. Once your body feels relaxed, your mind will follow too. Meditate. Meditate not on thoughts but on a happier and healthier yourself. You will come out of this. I see the desire in your words you wrote. Take care.May 14, 2014 at 7:48 am #56265MattParticipant
Whew, your story certainly reveals the anger you’re stuck with. But, that anger is just a feeling, painful, but don’t let it spread his suffering to you. Consider: In your anger, you’re calling him a fucking retard, a dipshit abuser, “how dare he do that to me?” Unneeded, dear sister, don’t let him snuff your light in such a way.
Consider that he has some tangled issues, pain, addictive patterns, low self esteem… something, who knows. First, he was hiding from it in booze, and after that stopped working, tried hiding in love. That never works, we can’t hide from our pain, our suffering, we have to accept it and heal it. He hasn’t, and that builds a terrible pressure inside him that he then shoots off. Its not about you, has nothing at all to do with you. The previous girl got some of it, the next girl, and until he heals, he’s going to burn his intimacies to a cinder. Anger does that.
However, for you, its time to heal, to let go, to be free. As sia brings up a little, its about forgiveness. Consider that you pose a question “how can I forgive such a bastard”. My response is “because its the way for you to be free”. The trick to forgiving someone is accepting them as is. Not that we want to hang out with them, or date them, sometimes the lesson of the thorn bush is to stop pressing our face into it. Instead, look at how his anger tortures him. There you were, loving, open, beautiful, and invested in him. And he, in his bumbling foolishness and ignorance, pierced your heart with spear after spear. What a fool! If you can find the hope that one day he can be free from such a terrible pattern for him to be in, then your heart will unbind, you’ll really see how it has nothing at all to do with you.
Because while you’re perhaps a little unwise in your dating choices (consider that forgiving your dad in this same way may help you find a better heart mate), but you’re strong, beautiful, and vibrant. Some boy wants to try to blame you for his icky emotions? Ha! False! What a poor scrambling little hook he sends. Don’t let it find purchase in your heart, and instead, accept that you loved him, love him, but that you deserve a partner that knows how to love back and play nice. Argue fair, disagree peacefully, and so forth. With a kind boot on his ass, its OK to shed him like a moldy sweater. Be free.
MattMay 15, 2014 at 7:22 pm #56375
Sia… thank you so much for your words and time. I kid you not, you can include yourself in part of the reason I was able to heal and recover peacefully. Thank you so much.May 15, 2014 at 7:25 pm #56376
Matt… your words were almost haunting in that you recalled personality traits and insecurities of him that were not spoken of my message. Where you mentioned that he blamed me for his anger and hurtful ways is something I was told on the regular! crazy. You and Sia have automatically helped the healing process… thank you.