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How to move on?

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  • September 28, 2016 at 11:12 am #116577
    Grace
    Participant

    I m a 37 single mum with a little beautiful girl. I met my ex husband in uni and I really liked him. We dated for 4 yrs and decided to get married. Little did I know that I did ” LIKE ” him but was never in love with him. He is a good man and I thought he will be the best partner . Marriage was a difficult road. I never seem to open up to him and be intimate with him. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. He resented me for lack of passion and intimacy. After many years, we finally had a child . I suffered from post natal depression and was admitted to hospital . He was forced to take time away from work to care for us. ..then more problems..more arguments. I wanted to leave him aa we were unhappy.

    I had a close male friend at work over the years. He is married. Over the years , I started feeling something him and we grow closer. Had emotional affair early this year and developed physical intimacy. I fell so hard for him…… My ex eventually found out and divorced me. Everything turns ugly and he, the person I love, left me too because of his kids… He never intended to leave his family, I was stupid to believe we had a future.but still I love him so much… My ex continues to emotionally abuse me.. I know I made the mistake but I never intended to cheat. Everything fell apart for me now. I m living in complete hell…I know there is no reason to cheat but I realized I have loved this man so much…it made me a terrible woman. As my ex husband said ” bad things will happen to bad people”

    It has been 6 months, I saw my ex- lover at work everyday. We don’t really talk anymore but God, I miss him so much. I think about him all the time. I know I don’t live in that fantasy of being together, but I still love him….

    September 28, 2016 at 11:24 am #116578
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Kangli,

    First off, it may sound like you made mistakes but that’s okay. You’re a human being. You’re supposed to be making mistakes in life. That’s how we grow as evolving individuals. I’m personally not a mother, and I’ve never been married, but it’s crucial that you’re honest with the people you interact with in your life. The reality is, love isn’t supposed to be rational. At the end of a day, it’s a complex emotion. Remind yourself of what makes you a great person, and what a healthy relationship is, and I promise you, you will be able to find someone that embraces all of your perceived flaws. There’s a link here too in case you’re confused about what has happened to you.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/this-is-what-an-emotional-affair-is-and-what-it-isnt_us_55de27cce4b08dc0948652d5

    September 28, 2016 at 7:32 pm #116618
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kangli:

    Reading your post, it seems to me that you don’t understand what happened before the marriage, during and after. To gain the understanding, the insight needed to move on (the title of your thread)- I think that psychotherapy with a competent therapist will help you move on.

    If there is insight that you have but did not express in your original post, hope you share it next.

    Please take good care of yourself and of your daughter.

    anita

    September 28, 2016 at 8:06 pm #116627
    Grace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    My ex-spouse was a friend of mine for years in uni. We were each other ‘s first girl/boy friend. I did enjoy spending time with him and we eventually got married because we thought it was the right time and logical thing to do as we weren’t seeing anyone. It was a safe and secure relationship . We were good for few years. I didn’t desire intimacy but I just put it down as normal for me. Until we had the kid, I suffered from pnd and saw a psychiatrist ever since . Through the sessions, I then realised that I wasn’t happy in the marriage and I didn’t “love” him the way he wanted ( he wanted it to be wild and passionate ) . My ex spouse wasn’t in the same emotional levels as me. He couldn’t understand why I was depressed. In addition, he didn’t take effort in caring for us…. The lack of intimacy drove him even further . I didn’t want to stay in the marriage because all we did was fight and I didn’t want my daughter to see that.

    I told him I want to be separated for awhile and he couldn’t get it …

    Then I started getting closer to my friend. We were always good friends in the past, we studies together, we shared lotsa of same interest and we have similar values .. We started to confide to each other our own problems then slowly we started to connect even more….

    I have no regret leaving my spouse because I finally realised that it was a mistake that we married and he deserves to find someone who can love him the way he wanted . I m slowly picking up my path but I am just stuck at ” moving on ” from my ex lover . I don’t have anymore desire to be with him anymore because that is the wrong thing. But I just love him so much … Not only I lost him as my love, I lost him as a friend ….

    September 28, 2016 at 8:17 pm #116628
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kangli:

    Your last post helps me understand better. You don’t regret the divorce and I think it is a very good motivation to divorce for the purpose of protecting your daughter from witnessing fights between her parents. Such fights are devastating and damaging to a child, so good job at protecting her!

    Regarding your married ex friend and lover, you accept the ending of this relationship because you believe it is wrong to be involved with a married man- again: I support you doing the right thing on this front as well.

    How to move on is your question when you feel so attached to him. I think that even though you believe it is the wrong thing to be involved with a married man, that you are still hoping that you and him will be together. am thinking that part of you is hoping that somehow… you and him will re-unite and that hope is keeping you attached to him and prevents you from feeling the sadness of the loss and moving on.

    Am I correct? Will be back to the computer in 12 hours or so, hope to read your reply then.

    anita

    September 29, 2016 at 2:45 am #116653
    Grace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply. I honestly don’t know. It will be a lie to say I don’t want to be with him but I don’t actively seeking and fantasizing that possibility. If he ever comes back, I won’t put myself back to the same position. I am not going to settle for less anymore.

    I have felt the sadness and pain of losing him. After my ex-husband found out, he still stood by me saying he would be there for me but we were just going to be friends. He said he thought about us and he wanted to be with me. However, he can’t hurt his wife and kids anymore so he has to give me up. I went with it and just stayed as friends. Time to time, he still gave me hugs, allowed me leaning on him when the situations with my ex husband was tough. There was just one time, he kissed me and he couldn’t explain to me why he did that. One day, I had enough because I can’t be friends with someone I love and he said he can’t give me what I want. So I told him I can’t be friends anymore. So we stopped communicating at work. we avoided each other. I cried every day, I couldn’t sleep and eat. I saved all of me for my daughter. She is the only thing that keeps me going. I wanted to quit work but I told myself I couldn’t let a man destroyed my established career.

    One day (prob a month later), I had very bad argument with my ex-husband and I needed him so much but he wouldn’t talk to me because he wanted me to move on. I texted him saying if he still has feeling for me, pls don’t abandon me like that. Guess what, his reply was ” I no longer have anymore feeling because you are too clingy and it is getting too much for me ” . I literally shattered…the next thing I remembered was taking 3 weeks off work, just buried myself in sorrow…I lost 6 kg in that period and I was small to start with. I went about my life like a ghost. I kept my sanity to my daughter….I kept asking me what have I done wrong..

    It has been three months since then. We hardly communicate. I miss him, I still do, I tried not to think, I tried to keep busy, I tried to hang out with other friends but I know he is still there in my heart…He brought out the best of me, he made me challenge myself, he taught me to be confident , he told me not to care about what other pp think and be true to myself…. he made me happy for the first time in so many years…and now they are all gone. love is not logical, love is blind….I have been forcing myself to stop loving him but I can’t. My heart keeps asking my brain why do I need to stop. I guess I probably will never stop..there will always be part of me continue to love him.

    Kangli

    September 29, 2016 at 3:22 am #116654
    Grace
    Participant

    I guess ” moving on” for me means to stop loving him

    September 29, 2016 at 5:04 am #116655
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi kangli,

    Don’t feel bad for divorcing your husband. Relationships that start in college are like training wheels in preparation for the one you’re supposed to be with later. I mean I loved/”loved” my college BF. But I totally get what you’re saying. The passion wasn’t there.

    A child came out of it, so that was its blessing. Don’t let him say, “Bad things happen to bad people”. He just said that because he is hurting over the affair. The next time he says that say, “Yes, and good things happen to good people. We’re all a little bit good and bad, aren’t we? I should never have cheated on you and I hope you’ll forgive me someday.”

    Onto your love interest. Now listen, decades will parade by and one day you will recognize suddenly that this guy was a jerk all along. He gets to play the power card and say out of the blue “I no longer have any feelings for you, you’re getting too clingy and it is getting too much for me”?? But he DID have feelings for you (even if just carnal). What he REALLY meant to say is “I can’t handle a needy side piece AND my kids AND my wife potentially finding out!”

    I bet the wife knows or at least suspects.

    And let’s get real: If you REALLY loved him, you would want him to be the best father he can be. You are just a distraction (of time, energy and/or $$$ that should really go to the wife and children). Why should he drop everything (work, dinner with his family, date night, helping kids with their homework etc.) and text/call/see you just because you had a fight with your ex husband??

    Sorry so tough, but YOU need to continue putting all your energy into YOUR child. Forget love, romance and dating.

    Time will help you get over that creep.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
    September 29, 2016 at 8:09 am #116671
    Grace
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thank you for taking time writing to me.

    Out of the entire event, the only right thing I have done was to leave my ex spouse. My child is so much happier now because she is less insecure and her daddy is now spending better quality time with her. She used to reject him and cried all the time when her dad was around. I always put her as my priority . No matter how bad I feel, I ensure she has a ” happy ” mum. It is actually tough . Not only I have to deal with the my emotion towards my colleague but I have to face the constant emotional abuse from my ex spouse . Looking after a 3 year old for 5 days a week is challenging too esp I don’t have any help while my ex spouse just gets his mother to help looking after my girl on the weekends .

    What you said about my love interest is true and I have thought bout the same on and off in the last 3months. I have told myself all the time to think bout his wife and kids ( in trust me I don’t want to hurt anyone because I know how painful it will be for them)so I can’t do anymore wrong . Despite me knowing in my heart that he is a ” jerk” , I also know how his mind works since we have been friends for 7 yrs. He met and married his first love for 15 years and I know I am the only person / female that he is close to besides his wife. There is a part of me believed it was real. However , I will never really find out what was going on in his mind and it is irrelevant as I said I don’t live in that fantasy anymore . I just want to be able to move on and rid the feeling . I guess it is still so fresh and raw and it doesn’t help when we work together .

    Kangli

    September 30, 2016 at 1:38 pm #116801
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kangli:

    Reading your last post, I am glad- again- to read that you did the right thing by your daughter to divorce your husband.

    Regarding your last two posts: what you miss about the man is how you felt. Don’t we all want to feel good.. I do. People do a whole lot of things to feel good, anything from taking drugs and destroying their lives) to over eating to.. gambling, to having affairs to… a whole lot of things.

    We all want to feel good. And so do you. The solution is then, how can you feel good without that relationship?

    There are ways that are not destructive (the examples I gave) such as reasonable exercise, yoga, walks in nature, good support groups, competent psychotherapy, hot tea, hot baths… etc.

    And it is still possible for you to have a relationship with a man that will feel good. That brings me back to my original point that I made on your thread: learn the best you can about you and about other people; the more you know, the better equipped you will be to choose a man and then carry on a relationship that will promote your well being and feel good!

    anita

    October 1, 2016 at 3:02 am #116857
    Grace
    Participant

    Thank you all, I will try to find the peace in myself. Before I embarked on the affair, I have a dream for my daughter and I living together happily ever after and I will keep that as a goal to work towards to. One day, I will put him behind me

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