How to move on from ex boyfriend - so much pain

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This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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July 29, 2016 at 8:45 am #110858

LJS_85
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I was with my boyfriend for about 5 months before we had an argument about something petty and he went totally off the rails, blocked me everywhere, and totally cut me out of his life for a month. He then came back so apologetic and begging and pleading that i forgave him because i was so happy with him. We were together for a year after that but every time we argued about something, or sulked about something or got angry about something he’d cut me off. Blocked by phone, text, email, social media everything. And then everytime he’d come back after a few weeks and want to make up. Graudually it took it’s toll on me and i became more insecure which led to more fights and in the end he actually cut me off for a great period of time saying he would never see me again. I spent 6 months crying from the second i woke up to every other point i was alone for a second and could cry. I tried medication, counselling, joining classes, exercising but nothing could get me out of the hole. I called his number 100s of times a day even though i was blocked and then one day he unblocked me and wanted to make up out of the blue.

My 6 months had been so miserable i of course said yes (1 year ago today) but in that year we still haven’t managed to become an official couple. His words would say he wanted to be with me all day everyday and marry me and settle down, yet his actions didn’t make me feel safe. He has so many hobbies they seem to take priority and he’d only see me on days he was free, if i even try and moan or tell him my feelings he’d just snap saying i’m never satisfied and he’s not good enough and then he’d punish me by missing plans, not talking to me for a while, blocking me if i chased him too much.

In the past year he’s told me 17 times that he’s had enough and he swears he’ll never contact me again, and everytime we’ll have a few weeks apart and then he turns up at my house. I love him but i don’t know why. I feel the only way we’ll ever be strong together is if i stop having needs or an opinion and just accept that he’ll see me when he wants to, he’ll ignore me when he wants to, he doesn’t want to get to know my friends and he doesn’t want to make any serious plans when i push him to. But then claims that he loves me more than anything and can’t wait to have a family with me. I’m drained, i’m tired of letting him come back and wish that i could just forget him and be strong but i can’t.

I’m 31, all of my friends are settled so i don’t have that friend base any more where i can always have plans and be occupied as they are always with their families. I do alot of exercise but once i get home i’m alone, day after day, i’ve been on city break alone, to the beach alone but all it does is just remind me that i’m lonely and that there’s no one in the world who thinks i’m so incredible they want to spend time with me. I cry every day, i deseperately want a child but don’t see how that will ever happen or how i’ll ever meet someone new. I’m stuck in this horrible rut of hating the way he treats me, sticking up for myself, causing a fight, being left and dumped, being miserable and alone and then desperate to have him back when he turns up.

I’m so low i don’t see the point in my life and i fail to be able to appreciate the good things i have anymore. I think i’m attractive, i used to be funny until i became so unhappy, i have a good well paid job, a nice car, my own home but the things i really want are to be surrounded by friends that have time for me and to have a man who loves me and wants to start a solid future with me….and they’re the 2 things i can’t get.

Please help.

July 29, 2016 at 9:43 am #110870

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ljs85:

Reads to me that your on again off again boyfriend is repeating his childhood with you, repeating a very unresolved issue of his childhood with you. When he blocks you, he is expressing his anger at the parent that hurt him. When he reconnects, he is reaching out to the parent that he still needs. You, the individual that you are, are invisible in his dynamic. It is not about you, so no wonder you feel that to be with him you have to have no feelings, no opinions, no…self. There is no place for YOU in this relationship.

How to move on, you ask- I think the answer is to move on to a life where YOU have a place, where who you are matters, where you are not a symbol in someone else’s unresolved issue.

What do you think?

anita

July 29, 2016 at 3:54 pm #110915

Hazar K
Participant

I created an account just to reply to you. I wanted to let you know that I’ve been in a very similar relationship. It went on and off for years, in fact to some degree it still goes on, I just blocked this ex today because as harmless as it seemed to let her back in my life now that I’m not in love with her anymore, she keeps playing the same games with me.
What I’d like to tell you is that this person will only destroy your sense of belonging in this world. He will keep taking from you as long as you think that either 1) You have more to give than poor little him or 2) That you can’t find anything/anyone else that makes you feel alive in the same way
I know it’s so so so hard to put into practice but figure out how to love your self better. Trust me, eventually, you will have another boyfriend that you never imagined would give you all the things your ex couldn’t.
After years of being mostly single, I met someone that was so much more mature than my ex, that loved me a hundred times better than my ex ever could and that gave me things I only ever dreamed about having. Unfortunately this relationship came to an end officially just 2 weeks ago and I’m still mourning it but that doesn’t define me like it once did with my first ex. I love myself so much more than I ever did when I was with my first girlfriend. I’ve met friends and lovers that showed me love much deeper than I ever understood. And I truly believe that in the future, I will meet others with whom I’ll reach even greater depths of love.
You can’t love someone that doesn’t love themselves. And trying to reflects that you don’t love yourself so go figure out how to do that. Find new friends that you can relate to more, people that aren’t married and have such different lives from you. Go out and discover who you can be without this toxic person in your life.
And if you just want someone to talk to, I’d be happy to be your friend. I’m 29 so not much of an age difference =)

July 29, 2016 at 9:54 pm #110935

Miniature Bodhisattva
Participant

Dear Ljs85,

My little heart broke when I read your message. A man who is worthy of your love would never treat you this way. A man that is honorable, makes time for you in addition to his hobbies, commits, respects your feelings, and allows for open communication is someone who deserves the awesomeness that is you.

The fact that even in this moment of enormous pain you can recognize all the blessings you have (your good looks, your car, your job, your home), shows me you have a deep well of strength teeming underneath the surface, and that you will heal.

If this !@#$% (insert profanity of your choice) guy tries to contact you again please don’t let him back in. You say you don’t have any close friends, but you do have this message board, which is a start. Reach out to all of us if you feel weak. Read up on the Tiny Buddha articles that deal with starting over again. Anything to shift the focus back onto you and your well being. This man has already taken too much, don’t let him take a moment of your bright future away from you too!

July 30, 2016 at 10:35 am #110960

LJS_85
Participant

I just don’t know whether maybe it is my fault? When he does something that upsets me I lose my temper really badly, I think out of sheer frustration that something else is going wrong. I never used to be an angry or out of control person but nowadays all it takes is for him to not turn up to dinner when he knew I was cooking and I scream, shout, sweat, cry and tell him to leave me alone. Then he says that I’m mental and that no other woman would treat him like that so no wonder he takes time out from me.

Then when he leaves I blame myself and also just can’t get over this feeling of rejection. It’s consuming me. How can I have put 2 and a half years into someone and I’m totally disposable to them still? How can he go from wanting to marry me to never wanting to see me again. I know people say things they don’t mean in a fight, but he says he doesn’t want to be with me, then blocks me, misses plans with me, makes plans without me…how can he do that? Doesn’t he love me? How do I come to terms with the fact that someone I love so much doesn’t love me and seemingly never did.

I wish I had a group of friends that were in my situation but I don’t and it’s hard to make friends that are single and more available at my age because everyone is settling down and as such wants to do things with their partner and not me.

It’s so hard to cope knowing that there’s no one in the world who adores me and wants to spend their time with me over anyone else. Even my ‘best friends’ have boyfriends and do everything with their boyfriends. I’m never going to get girly holidays or day trips again because they all do that stuff with their men 🙁 And I guess I would too if I had one. I’m terrified this is my life now, single, childless, living in a flat alone, going to the gym and watching box sets with maybe 1 plan a month that’s out of the normal routine.

July 30, 2016 at 11:57 am #110975

Trish
Participant

Hi, I am going thru the same issue. Even worse, I work in at the same company. I talked to him the other day like nothing happened, but he still hasn’t touched base. I too text him today and saw I was still blocked.

I feel we are hurting from the constant rejection and disrespect.

We do need to let these guys go. You sound like a mirror of me, good career, home, etc. I have a lot of strength, but this is one area I need to get better at.

I am going to be 46 soon. No kids, never married. I was engaged 12 yrs ago, but he passed away. I have wasted time on the wrong men since.

We can be each other’s accountability if you are ready to just let go. I know it is very painful. I’m hurting as well. I miss the great conversations that me and my friend had, but it is not right to run every time it gets sticky.

Peace to you.

July 30, 2016 at 1:23 pm #110987

Scarlett
Participant

I registered just to reply to this…. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! I have been going through this recently, but am further out of the woods than you at this point. Please, research both bipolar and gaslighting, you will see similarities to your situation.

How to recover and move on? It takes time and work. The pain lingers, but very slowly dissipates. Forgive yourself, and don’t use the words “fault” or “blame” anymore (for either him or you). In essence, it’s all irrelevant; it’s time to put it in the past and move on. Start thinking about who YOU are. He was defining who you were, but now it’s time for you to do that. Do not let him continue having any kind of power or influence over you. Take that power and influence back!

I don’t really have friends, either (just moved here), so I have joined some groups on meetup.com and am slowly getting back out there. It’s not easy, but it’s getting better.

You said “there’s no one in the world who adores me and wants to spend their time with me over anyone else….” YOU need to adore YOU and want to spend time with yourself.

July 31, 2016 at 2:21 am #111045

LJS_85
Participant

Thank you to you all for your replies and I’m sorry that so many of you relate to my situation and have to go through what I have too.
I know that I need to be happy with myself before anyone else will be happy with me but I don’t know how. I think I’m a decent person, and I don’t really see why I don’t meet anyone new other than the fact that I rarely go anywhere to meet someone. And that’s not going to change as all I do is work, gym, CrossFit, and then all social events are normally couples dinners, weddings, baby showers.

I honestly don’t know how to get out of this hole. And I can’t stop thinking about my ex, waiting for the next time he turns up or tries to contact me…and then scared that maybe he won’t and wondering how I get over knowing that he just left me and moved on and didn’t care about me.

My heart actually hurts. I hate my life so much and I resent everyone around me who’s happy.

July 31, 2016 at 8:35 am #111067

Anonymous
Guest

Dear ljs85:

Your last line: ” I hate my life so much and I resent everyone around me who’s happy.” You wrote before that all your friends, or “everyone” is settled down, are with their boyfriends, etc. ..except for you.

So very often, people who are depressed think that everyone else, or most everyone is happy. I hear/ read it again and again. “Everyone else” is happy. Not so: your girlfriends who are happy with their boyfriends may be having serious problems with their boyfriends and may be as depressed as you are. The smiles you sometimes see on their faces, even when genuine, is not a permanent smile.

And so, if you communicate more with girlfriends, you will find out you are not as alone as you imagine you are.

I was wondering, since you don’t get to physically meet new people, potential dates, did you think or have experience with.. responsible online dating sites?

anita
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