Hi Karina,

The primary reason why I set out to explore mindfulness and meditation years ago was because of the distress brought on by my participation in these parent circles. When my oldest child had reached kindergarten age I was excited to register him in school envisioning nothing but harmony, close friendships with other moms, and volunteering at the school. Boy was I wrong! Here’s how it works in my area: There’s a group of “powerful” parents who basically run the community. The PTA president and her husband run in the same crowd as the board members of little league baseball, president of the athletic booster club, leaders of the boy scouts/girl scouts, president of the district’s fundraising organization, classroom moms, bible study leaders, etc. Many of these people attain their positions by making sizable donations to the organizations they want to lead. And they are all “friends”. They are tailgating together to local college football games, having exclusive parties, seated together at the fundraising events, controlling every aspect of your child’s school events, etc. So anyone in this group is pretty much protected; their kids are assigned to the baseball teams they want to be on, to the classes with the best teachers, and they all have each others’ backs regardless of their bad behavior, and the rest of the parents in the community are their pawns. I know, it sounds crazy and I’d never believe it had I not lived it myself!

So one day you decide that you’re going to take back your power, that you’re not going to play the game anymore. And the very second you do that you are free!

B

Hi Karina,

I completely understand how you feel. Yes, that’s what I was doing too, trying to become friends with the parents of my kids’ friends because I felt that if I wasn’t then my kids would be excluded from activities, birthday parties, play dates, etc. Also because these women were a big part of my social life and I liked being a part of their group. Early on, though, my instincts told me to be wary of some of them; I ignored this in order to keep the friendships going (moms need friendships too!) and because my kids loved their kids. It’s a no-win situation.

And then, of course, once one of them turns on you for a minor human mistake the games start, the gossiping and the pretending. They can look you straight in the eye and pretend with you, try to manipulate you. You know what I mean. And if you react to it they’ll continue behaving this way. So the key is to walk away, let it all go, and to not let it bother you.

But how do you do that? The first book I read on mindfulness was A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. My problem was that I was ruminating on the unfairness of my situation, felt paralyzed in that I couldn’t properly defend myself and that my kids would suffer as a result. Honestly, I also felt rejected and sad. So this book helped me to get my mind off it, get out of my head. The other thing I would recommend is to get back to meditating, 20 minutes twice a day, and give it at least 3 months before you judge if it’s helping or not. After practicing mindfulness/meditation for a short time I learned that I’m not the one with the problem, they are. I also learned that my kids are fine, that the situation was much worse for me than it was for them.

But I’ll never forget what happened, especially when I see it happening to other unsuspecting moms.

Maybe others here can recommend better ways to get started with mindfulness.

B

Hi Karina,

You are welcome and I’m glad the stay-at-home dad was able to confirm some things for you. Thanks for the kind words and yes for me it was one of those experiences that I wouldn’t un-do because it taught me how important it is to not get dragged down by negative thoughts, to observe them and let them go. It takes a lot of work at first but then gets easier.

I too had those imaginary conversations telling those women off, and although putting them in their place would have given me immeasurable satisfaction, it only would have made things worse. I think assertiveness is important but maybe not so much in this context. If certain women are not accepting your heartfelt apology and are now distancing themselves from you, that’s their choice (however warped it may be) and you need to accept it. Confronting them only makes you look desperate which you are not. Get up, dust yourself off, and get on with your life. Like you say, these are not your people.

B

Hi Karina,

Part of me thinks it’s important that this woman knows exactly why you’re upset with her but I’m not sure meeting for coffee is the way to go. You already know you can’t trust how accurately she’ll describe your conversation to the others, so why set yourself up? Also, there’s a chance you’ll say something you regret which may blow this thing up even bigger. Maybe I’d write her a letter telling her how I feel and while I’m writing it I’d be fully aware that it’ll be shared with others in the group. I would not come across as angry because that could fuel more anger in these women, and I wouldn’t try to make her or anyone else feel bad. I’d keep it very short and I’d chose my words wisely.

There’s a good chance, however, that after writing the letter I wouldn’t send it for several days, maybe a couple weeks, maybe even not at all because there’s another part of me that believes that sometimes these things get worse when we try to fix them. Sometimes they work themselves out on their own if we are patient and can handle the uncertainty of the future. I think that deep down this woman, your friend of five years whom you introduced and welcomed into your group, knows that you are hurt that she didn’t support you when you really needed her to. I mean, how could she not know this?

Albert Einstein once said “You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it” or something like that anyway which to me means it may be better to wait things out, become more mindful before deciding on the right action to take, if any needs to be taken at all.

Sorry, I wish I had a better answer for you. Take a deep breath and try to calm yourself as best you can. Keep posting here and I’ll answer and maybe some others will too. Hang in there. 🙂

B

Hi Karina,

It’s interesting that your “wronged” friend invited you to the jewelry party. Maybe she’s starting to come around, to understand that she overreacted. What’s annoying is how badly she’s made you feel, even after your tearful apology. You made a mistake, felt terrible about it, and over-apologized for it. You tried to do the right thing but she’s been unforgiving. So I agree that she’s childish, weak, and easily manipulated… and also cruel.

So about tomorrow, if I were you I’d probably put all of the above aside and give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s going through a difficult time in her personal life and who really knows how much of the anger she’s directed at you is really about her sad marriage situation instead. You don’t deserve the cruel treatment you’re getting but her marriage is falling apart and she probably isn’t fully conscious of her behavior. So, no, I would not be fake-nice; I’d be real-nice instead. She’s probably just as nervous to see you as you are to see her so do your best to put her at ease. Give her a hug. Tell her it’s good to see her. Look her straight in the eye and smile.

And keep it short and move on.

Then when it’s time to leave the party you’ll walk away feeling good about yourself.

B

PS – No, I don’t see your not including her in your activities as petty because she’s the one who has distanced herself from you for the past 6 weeks. It is she who has been boxing you out with the exception of the recent evite to the jewelry party, right? When someone is giving me vibes that she doesn’t want to see me, I’m going to respect her wishes.