Hi Karina,

What I’ve learned about women groups is that when one member doesn’t behave the way the others expect her to then that member is eventually pushed out. The only way to survive is to play the game. In other words, you can’t ever be perceived as a threat in any way to the queen bee or anyone who’s close to her or your days in the group are numbered. But you’re not a game player, you have a mind of your own,  and they know this about you. They know that you are not easily manipulated. I think you were going to be pushed out eventually anyway and they are simply using your minor mistake as an excuse to do it because honestly it’s all so ridiculous. I mean, everyone has done what you did! Everyone has made the mistake of talking about something that he/she shouldn’t have. And you apologized over and over again! So anyway, this is the way women groups work, unfortunately.

Yes, I believe they will eventually get back from the universe what they put into it. A person can only treat other people badly so many times before it all catches up with him/her. Their time will come. I believe that deep down each one of these women knows she’s been behaving badly but her fear of being ostracized from the group herself is stronger than the guilt she feels about hurting you.

Maybe now is the time to reframe it as YOU not wanting anything to do with any of THEM. Seriously, they are not that great. Say to yourself thank goodness I’m free of the mean women in that group! You are now free of worrying how what you say and do will be judged and gossiped about by them. Realize that what you have now is so much better than what you had with them. You are free! As we get older we realize how important it is to surround ourselves with people who lift us up, that the quality of our friendships is so much more important than the quantity. And shame on those judgmental mean women for making you feel the way you do.

Oh and be careful not to base your sense of self on how you perceive these women now see you (“Looking Glass Self” concept). We ALL make mistakes, are all flawed, but they are trying to convince you that you’re the only one. Don’t believe them!

B

Dear Karina:

“I work SO HARD to be a good person”- but you are a good person, aren’t you.. why do you have to work “so hard” at being what you already are..?

I think that this situation, this “adult friendship” situation activated in you an early childhood situation where you were punished for something you didn’t do, something or things you were not guilty of and there was nothing you were able to do about it at the time, you were helpless, helpless and understandably angry.

“I wasn’t really forgiven and my apology/ tears fell  on deaf ears and was returned with cruelty”- this is the adult situation,  but it wouldn’t have bothered you this much if it wasn’t for a childhood experience being triggered.

Anything to what I am saying here, you having been blamed for something you didn’t do, or  something minor that you  did, not intended to do anything wrong… and punished, then you apologized or  tried to make amends and your efforts fell on deaf ears, returned with some kind of cruelty?

anita

Hi Karina,

It feels unjust because it is unjust. And I understand how much it hurts when you run into those women. So, whenever you can, avoid them. If it’s impossible to do that in a small town then you need to figure out a way to rise above it and stay calm and present when you do run into them. I know you don’t see it now but this situation may be a blessing in disguise for you. You can become so much stronger from it. Like Mary Tyler Moore said, “You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”

As awful as rejection is, it gives us an opportunity for growth. Hang in there.

B

Dear Karina:

“As a child my Mom (who did her best) was quick to point out all my flaws, often dubbed me selfish or bad and really made me feel like a horrible person”-

It will help you when at one point, you will see that when a mother makes her child feel like a horrible person, she is not doing her best.

To no longer believe that your mother was right when she dubbed you selfish or bad, you have to believe that she didn’t do good by you (“did her best”) but instead, she did bad by you.

anita

Hi Karina,

The purpose of social media is a new popularity contest, to show everyone how perfect your family is, how booming you are socially, your fancy vacations…. Posters want everyone to know that they’re social and popular and out-about, etc. Yep, my sentiments exactly! It’s interesting, isn’t it, to think of this woman sitting in front of her computer (or her phone, or whatever) taking the time out of her day to upload personal photos to her social media with two purposes:  1) to elevate her own social status, and 2) to make those who weren’t included feel bad.

Now think of the millions of people around the world posting their personal photos online every day hoping to project an image of themselves that will make people admire them, want to be around them, think they are popular. Crazy, isn’t it?

I feel happy that you don’t drink the Kool-aid, that you’re on to the ridiculousness of social media. Honestly, the more selfies/personal photos a person posts online, the more respect I would lose for him/her.

I know this doesn’t take the sting away but I hope you know that you’ve reached a level of awareness that these women many never get to. Like you say, they are not your people.

B