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How to overcome feeling unworthy

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • March 4, 2019 at 6:21 am #282791
    FordPrefect
    Participant

    Hello,

    having a bit of an off day, and need to express a little, with the hope that also, I may find my way through a mental blockage which is hindering my emotional wellbeing..

    Last year I had a very unhealthy relationship, which has now ended, but the baggage i’ve been left with is one of not feeling worthy of the affections of a wonderful, kind and caring man i’ve recently met.

    Previous to last years unpleasantness, my husband of 9 years left me, so it’s a bit of a double whammy of rejection really.

    But now i’ve met someone who, although is not wanting a full blown relationship, is just the kindest, most affectionate, warm and lovely man i’ve ever met. Goodness just shines out of him, it fair takes my breath away and i’ve got so many positive feelings towards him i’m terrified. Honestly, and without looking for sympathy, I just don’t feel worthy. I know i’m not a bad person, and I have a lot to give, but i’m so aware of how wholesome, beautiful, educated, responsible and just lovely he is, it makes me feel like i’m tainting him with the darkness and baggage i’ve picked up along the way.

    I have spoken to him about my fears of rejection (in general) and my feelings about not being good enough, all of which he has listened to, and assured me that I shouldn’t feel that way, how lovely I am, how much he enjoys my company etc. which is wonderful of course, and yet my inability to fully absorb his feelings leaves me feeling ungrateful, and even less worthy.
    Like the nicer he is, the more guilty I feel!

    I hate feeling this way, and desperately want to overcome it. I’ve tried giving myself a good talking to, but it’s such a fundamental feeling that I fear it’s going to sabotage this potential relationship.

    Any tips would be so appreciated, thank you x

     

    March 4, 2019 at 7:32 am #282823
    Valora
    Participant

    Have you been to counseling at all?

    I think the first step is figuring out exactly what it is that makes you feel unworthy… not on a surface level, but deeep beliefs, deep down. Why do you think you’re not worthy and what caused those? If it was caused by your relationship, exactly what aspects? What was said or done and how did it make you feel and why? You have to just ask yourself a ton of questions to get to the root causes, and then you work on changing those thoughts and beliefs. That’s where a therapist can really help because there are quite a few techniques that help do this. But it’s all about changing those beliefs.

    Most of all, accept that HE thinks you’re worthy. He’s the one who gets to decide who is worthy for him, just as you are the one who gets to decide who is worthy of you. Not the other way around. So if he says those things about you, work on letting yourself believe them. He’s telling you what he sees. Allow yourself to see the same.

    It seems my ex had a similar belief to you. When he broke up with me he was going through a depressive state and said he wanted to feel like he was good enough for me but he just didn’t and he felt like he was going to drag me down. What I saw in him was the complete opposite. He absolutely was more than good enough (especially when it came to the things I cared about) and he meant the world to me. We dated for 2 years, and this was eventually our downfall, so definitely work on these feelings now, before you get into a relationship, because you’re right, it could potentially sabotage it. BUT the feelings you’re having are ones that can be changed… you just have to dig deep and find the root cause.

    Also, you said he’s not ready for a full-blown relationship yet anyway, so be careful to not get attached to the idea of a relationship with this man until you know he’s ready for a full-blown one. If you start assuming there will be one when he’s only said he’s not ready, it’s a sure-fire way to increase the bad feelings. So definitely best to keep your heart in check there, too.

    March 4, 2019 at 10:46 am #282887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear FordPrefect:

    You wrote about this man that you recently met: “a wonderful, kind and caring man… the kindest, most affectionate, warm and lovely man I’ve ever met. Goodness just shines out of him… how wholesome, beautiful, educated, responsible and just lovely he is”.

    My input: he is not that wonderful, kind, and good. I’ll take your word for it, that he is wonderful, kind, affectionate, warm, lovely, good, wholesome, beautiful, educated and responsible, but he is far from being perfectly all those things. Sometimes he has unkind thoughts and feelings, no doubt. Sometimes he is not affectionate, no doubt. And sometimes he behaves not in a perfectly wholesome ways. There are things he is not educated about as well.

    “it makes me feel like i’m tainting him with the darkness and baggage i’ve picked up along the way”-

    Get to know him better and you will see his faults. That will close the gap that exists in your mind between how great he is and how not so great you are in comparison. In other words, he is not Light and you are not Darkness.

    Get to know his darkness, not only his light. As you see him more and more as a human, not as a god, you will feel more and more comfortable with him.

    anita

     

    March 5, 2019 at 10:03 am #283109
    FordPrefect
    Participant

    Thank you both for your very thoughtful and considered replies x

    You’ve both made really good points and I feel assured by them. They are exactly what I’d say to someone else, but as we all know it’s so much harder to apply them inwards!

    Valerie, I think the rejection issue stems far back, and it is something I’m working on. I have had therapy in the past and it did help a lot, just more recent events have brought it back up, but I am aware it’s a process I need to work through. The fact he isn’t ready for a full on relationship is actually a good thing for me as honestly I’m not either, and it’s teaching me to live more in the moment, and not to want for things. I’m actually very happy with the situation as it is, but obviously I just don’t want to let any issues I have spoil what is a very lovely relationship just as it is. Thank you again 🙂 x

     

    Anita, very good point! I do know he’s only human, but he’s just honestly the nicest man I’ve been involved with and a wonderfully involved and loving father to his children, which I admire greatly. I agree ofc he’s not perfect. he has told me something about his past which would be seen as a bad thing, I’m just very understanding and nonjudgemental, as is he so i know he doesn’t judge me either which makes how i feel ridiculous actually! because its not an issue for him at all to know things about me, but I will try to bear this in mind and not put him on a pedestal. Thank you 🙂 x

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    March 5, 2019 at 11:09 am #283129
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear FordPrefect:

    You are welcome. He is fortunate then, to be involved with a woman who is “very understanding and nonjudgemental”- lots of men would envy him. What can be better in a partner than being very understanding and non judgmental, not critical of the other’s past and even present failures? I can’t think of anything at the moment.

    anita

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