How to Progress After Sabotaging My Happiness

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This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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March 2, 2017 at 6:04 pm #132947

Annonymous
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Hello all, thank you for reading 🙂 currently…I am stumped. To summarize, I recently found out that my “best friend” was giving me cryptic, misguided advice on purpose because he thinks I need to be alone right now rather than pursuing a relationship. I have anxiety and sometimes it can get extreme with the obsessing and worrying. He was always my safe haven to calm me down, but after finding this out, that hes more or less been resentful and annoyed with me – hence the intentional bad advice, I felt it necessary to terminate our friendship. He said some super hurtful things. All of this came to light after another potential relationship was ruined due to my insecurity and accusations (“you dont actually care about me, etc”) that were far too premature, we werent even dating we were just talking. The guy I was trying to date…we have a complicated history. I tried apologizing for sending inflammatory messages and he ignored most of them, after two weeks of peppered apologies he wound up telling me that I start misguided fights over nothing, Im always in turmoil, and he didnt want to deal with my crap anymore. I feel like Ive allowed my friends bad advice to totally cloud my judgment (hes usually telling me the guys I talk to are awful and this will end horribly. what he really meant was…its going to end horribly because im being too intense, and anyone attracted to that energy is probably crazy as well). I have no idea for how long he was doing this to me. I feel like an idiot for trusting the wrong person. I know I am responsible for my own actions, but due to the anxiety, I don’t trust my thoughts sometimes. Either way, it hasnt been fair of me to rely on a friend for this much help. Therapy is expensive and I havent been able to find a therapist that I jive with. Usually they seem completely spent after listening to me and in some cases, they cut the session short. I know I need to find a way to cope on my own but I am hurting and being very hard on myself, so its hard to see the positive. Ive recently moved into my own apartment because I had another nuclear roommate situation. Im feeling extremely disillusioned. The only constant here in all these situations is me but for the life of me I just cant see what the issue is that makes people so ready to be rid of me. Im honest, I dont have a drug problem, I do my best to be a good friend and woman and yet…I dont know. Perhaps its the low self esteem or something? Ive always had rocky relationships. Im terrified I will die alone at this rate.

If anyone has coping tips for when anxiety creeps up that would be greatly appreciated.

March 3, 2017 at 5:50 am #135215

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Anonymous:

You wrote: “for the life of me I just cant see what the issue is that makes people so ready to be rid of me. Im honest, I dont have a drug problem, I do my best to be a good friend and woman”-

The answer is here: “another potential relationship was ruined due to my… accusations (“you dont actually care about me, etc”) that were far too premature, we werent even dating…sending inflammatory messages (to him)…I start.. fights… I’m always in turmoil…Ive always had rocky relationships.”

Anxiety is very difficult to manage, and to heal from, very difficult to live with. But it by itself is not the reason for your failed relationships, it is the anger that is linked to your anxiety.

When we are afraid, we often do get angry, either at ourselves or at others. According to your share (in my quotes), you often get angry at others, accusing, and starting fights. You get stuck on anything they say (don’t you?) or do… or not say, or not do, thinking IT is evidence that they think little of you, don’t value you, don’t love you, and you get angry.

So a person involved with you has no way to have peace. He (or she) can’t just be. It is like walking on a landmine, not knowing when the next explosion happens.

What to do (without attending psychotherapy)? Peel of the angry behavior from your anxiety. You will be anxious again, when interacting with people. But instead of automatically reacting, pause. Take a break. Then evaluate, when you are calm: what happened? Was I really mistreated or maybe there is another explanation to what was said or done? Next, you may check with the person calmly: What did you mean when you said (this)?

If you peel of the angry behavior, you will be left with the anxious you, but relationships, over time, will be possible. In relationships with good people (evaluation is necessary to determine that), you can find help and support for your anxiety.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

March 3, 2017 at 5:25 pm #135435

Annonymous
Participant

Thank you Anita, your feedback has been very insightful and helpful. I had never thought of myself as an angry person but I think you are right. Without my anger…I don’t know how to be comfortable. Exuding love feels false and corny but…the anger has to be replaced with something, right? I am going to work more on self love and have already invested in a CBT workbook for anxiety, but perhaps one for anger issues might be a good investment as well? I am apprehensive with “Peeling off the angry behavior” because I know when I am in a mood I cannot be stopped. Are there any mindfulness practices you would suggest, in regards to curbing anger and fear?

March 3, 2017 at 5:55 pm #135443

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annonymous:

I can very much relate to “when I am in a mood I cannot be stopped”- I was not able to peel off my own angry behavior for a long time after the start of my first (CBT) competent psychotherapy.

To better understand and be better able to answer your question, can you tell me what those behaviors on your part are (in relationships), when you are “in a mood” and you “cannot be stopped”- stopped from saying what? And doing what?

anita

March 3, 2017 at 8:15 pm #135559

VJ
Participant

Dear Annonymous,

“If anyone has coping tips for when anxiety creeps up that would be greatly appreciated.”

Please refer

Conscious Breathing: A Simple Way to Heal Your Pain and Be Present

Take care,
VJ

March 3, 2017 at 11:13 pm #135751

jes
Participant

Dear Anonymous,

I think it is very good that you are self-reflecting instead of blaming. Already this is sign of making progress toward understanding and healing yourself. In my experience, there is something behind the anger – often it is grief, in which case, the anger has served as a sort of protection. You can only peel it off when you see what is behind it. It seems like you already know that at some level.

Your CBT techniques for anxiety should serve you for becoming mindful of your anger, rather than identifying with and reacting from it. Following the breathing techniques suggested will also help. What happens is that you begin to develop a sort of stimulus barrier between you and those things that might trigger you. That kind of barrier gives you a space to process what’s coming in before you unconsciously react to it. Instead of an immediate response, you say to yourself, “okay, here’s that feeling again” and you can choose not to react. If you keep track of this kind of thing, you’ll see your patterns.

You are very good at seeing that “anxiety creeps in”. Something in you can see that it is an autonomous factor in you, and not really you. Again, you can work with that particular feeling when you feel it coming on – recognize that it starts trouble in your life and don’t buy into it in the moment. Anxiety is often unfinished inner business that needs careful tending. If we project that outward and look for security externally, we can’t really get to anxiety’s meaning in our lives. It will always attach itself to the next thing to worry about.

You are right, pretentiously exuding love is corny. When you really feel it, it exudes from you. You don’t do it. When you find your center and trust who you are, you won’t have to exude anything – you will shine on your own.

jes

March 4, 2017 at 6:42 am #135875

Inky
Participant

Hi Anonymous,

For day to day interactions, my advice would be the Seek Sanctuary in Politeness. If someone says something rude or disappoints you, you can say, “Excuse me” and leave the room.

Then you quietly yet firmly resolve not to deal with those people anymore. Like your friend who got way too comfortable disrespecting you.

Of course, you need to control your own anger. Yes, feel the anger, but instead of lashing out, view the emotion as a message that something is wrong. Then cut out or cut down on the source of what is wrong.

I’d rather be alone than be with crappy people.

Again, don’t act like a crappy person either! But by surrounding yourself with quality people, you should be fine.

Inky

March 4, 2017 at 2:52 pm #135903
Annonymous
Participant
Thank you all for your feedback, I agree whole heartedly with what everyone has said and I truly appreciate all of the input, tips and advice <3

anita, to answer your question, when I am “in a mood” I am overwrought with anxiety. I think the worst about everything, and I think I am right and justified in all thoughts. I become self-righteous. I think I’ve cracked the code to peoples actions and behaviors towards me, none of it is ever good, and so I take it upon myself to call them out. This is when I start a fight, because I think I am expressing my pain, when really it’s accusatory and doesn’t come off well. It’s fear…it’s needy and codependent, I think. Because as Inky has said, this is when I should be leaving the situation when instead I stick around thinking I’ll earn respect or something by making my true feelings known. This never works out, and people drop me first, or they keep me around for whatever reason but never truly respect me. I am fortunate that I do have solid friendships, they’re just 3000 miles away as I moved away from home for my career.

To expand upon what jes has said, I think journaling would probably be the best route for dealing with grief? It’s one think to forgive, but I have not been able to let go of the feelings that it’s left me with. Talking it out into a page would probably do wonders for releasing it from my soul, in conjunction with the breathing that VJ has suggested.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Annonymous.
March 4, 2017 at 7:37 pm #135927

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annonymous:

I think a good CBT workbook is an excellent idea. I started with one myself before I finally saw my first competent CBT therapist six years ago.

I don’t know if you looked the following up before, or considered it. If you didn’t, will you look up Wikipedia entry of Borderline Personality Disorder? If you do, will you copy from there the parts that accurately describe your experience and paste it here?

I am not a professional, I did not diagnose you, don’t care much for diagnoses (combinations of symptoms, do not address root causes), but sometimes these diagnoses can be useful in regard to “How to progress” (title of your thread).

anita
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