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How to reject someone in a manner that minimises hurt

HomeForumsRelationshipsHow to reject someone in a manner that minimises hurt

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  • #92492
    Emma K.
    Participant

    Dear TB members, I need your advice.

    I felt so guilty, sinful and terrible over someone whom I get to know through online dating that I do not wish to develop a relationship with but I have not been unable to bring it across to him honestly. We have started chatting since few weeks ago (coming to a month) and because we were able to talk to each other very well and freely, as in we could talk anything under the moon, he has expressed keen interest in me. He has requested to date me out several times but I have not agreed to meet up with him as I am not sure if I will be able to overcome myself on his physical appearance that is not to my liking. I do not despise or judge people who are less appealing physically. However, I feel it is important in any relationship to desire physical closeness with your partner when the relationship blossom. With this guy, I feel that it is quite impossible for me to develop that kind of desire. I have told him many times that it is not likely for us to develop a relationship except that I do not mind having him as a friend. Out of loneliness, I continue to be talking to him over the phone every night and for that reason, he does not accept my proposal to remain on platonic relationship. He insists that I am in self denial of my feelings for him. I really do not want to hurt him, neither do I want to lead him on and I really want to end this before his feelings for me grow stronger. How do I tell him in a manner that does not hurt his feeling? He has been hurt once very badly by a woman whom he got to know through online dating. This woman swindled a lot of money from him and left him high and dry. He almost committed suicide because of that experience. For this reason, I am extremely fearful to inflict hurt on him again. Hence, I want to be able to bring it across to him nicely that I really do not wish to develope a relationship with him and to hope to minimise the pain that I may cause him.

    Thank you in advance of your kind advance.

    EK.

    #92503
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear EK:

    A few things you might want to consider before you proceed:

    What I write here may be something that seems obvious to you on first examination, but look deeper into this and absorb it if you can: you are not responsible for the pain he suffered in his previous online experience with the other woman.

    It is not possible for you to not hurt his feelings. Neither can you minimize his hurt feelings.

    You are not responsible for his feelings, not even to his feelings as and after you tell him you are ending your communication with him.

    I suggest telling him that you choose to no longer be in contact with him because it is better for you that you do not have contact with him. You can also add that you are sorry for any hurt he may be experiencing. Say it as matter of fact, best you can. Do not go on and on about his hurt feelings, how you are afraid to hurt his feelings, how badly you feel about hurting his feelings, how… maybe you should continue phone conversations so to ease his hurt feelings etc etc. Just: “I am sorry you are feeling hurt”

    If you went on and on.. he is likely continue to take advantage of your fear of hurting him and manipulate you to stay in contact with him. He started manipulating you by telling you that you are in denial of your feelings about him. It is clear to me that you are turned off to him because of his physical appearance, if for no other reason. You are not in denial. He is just saying it to confuse you and make you date him… when he is trying to confuse you… he is hurting you!

    You, EK, are posting this thread because you are feeling “guilty, sinful and terrible”- your words. This means that YOUR feelings have already been hurt by your communication with this man.

    What do you think so far?

    anita

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