I can sympathize with you because I have felt the same pain. That pain in your chest. It’s literally like your heart is aching.
I had a connection with someone recently. We were friends that met 1-2 times a week but chatted daily. Eventually we became lovers but (for reasons I’d rather not get into right now) we knew it could not continue and the intimacy would have to end. But we would always remain friends. However, the day he told me things had to end (because he found someone he could actually have a relationship with) was the day I felt that same discomfort; the unbearable pain in my stomach and chest. I couldn’t sleep or eat or think of anything else. The pain of being out of his life completely was unbearable. We went from regular daily contact and meetings a few times a week to a text message here or there 1 or 2 times a week and zero meetings. Some mornings the heaviness in my chest was too bad to even get out of bed. That’s when I decided (the first time) that we couldn’t be friends. I tried to end the friendship completely by writing a goodbye letter and even having a last ‘goodbye’ meeting. But neither of us could let go completely. I thought I had actually gotten over things a bit as time went on and we would meet for coffee or lunch here and there. But eventually, I would want more and the pain would return. It’s like a vicious cycle. Now 7 months later, he wants to remain ‘friends’ and I’m realizing I really can’t. So by my experience, I have found that I cannot truly be a friend with someone I have such deep feelings for. I have expectations of him the way I did before. When he doesn’t meet them (since he is in a relationship now and can’t) I feel hurt and betrayed and like I can’t go on like this without “us” the way we “were”. I DO realize though that this is unhealthy. It’s like I’m addicted to what was and can’t let go. So I’ve decided (once again) to cut off contact as much as I can (I’m trying 0 contact this time and let’s jus tsay, it’s a work in progress). If I can do that long enough, in time I will get over the deeper feelings I have for this person and maybe someday in the future, we can be friends.
My close friend that I confided in regarding this told me in the beginning that only time will heal things completely. She was right. I’m sorry to tell you, only time will help you feel better. Eventually the pain will go away. But it requires work. You have to force yourself to think of other things when your mind wanders to X. You can’t reminisce as much as you want to (because it just feels soooo good to relive those moments again and again does it!?). With time, the memories will fade (ever so slightly!)…and with that, the pain slowly goes away. It did for me. It only returns once contact begins again. And not even right away-it slowly creeps up on you. We start chatting, talking, meet for coffee and have great conversation! And then the deeper feelings resurface again and I realize, what I want is out of my reach once again. That’s when the pain returns.
I’m not sure my story helped you at all but I guess my advice would be to stay on track with ending things completely as you have. You can’t be friends and expect the pain to go away – not by my experience. You will be tempted to become friends again if he contacts you or if he questions the letter – you just have to fight the urge. I found jogging, yoga and meditation helpful in helping me fight those urges but I do still succumb to them. I wish you much strength!

A 13 year ordeal to say good bye!!!
Where have y’all been? I’ve needed to read this for sooo long – ever since 2007!
I met my ‘soulmate’ who i’ll refer to as “D” in 2001 and we were friends only while my 28 yr marriage ended, this divorce was not by my doing and not by my choice and by total surprise. Afterwards he initiated dating and our friendship became intimate in late 2002. I had so much i needed to heal from that it was a tumultuous relationship to say the least, fraught with anger, hurt, frustration, inability to articulate/communicate even my most basic needs, etc.
I didn’t know anything about self-love, self-respect and or self-trust and yes, i was looking to D to approve of me and that would provide for/define and determine my value and self-worth. It’s all i knew.
In 2007 D met P online and they continue a relationship to this day wherein she has a key to his home and spends the night(s) whenever she’s in town. He says they don’t have sex, that he saves this part just for me…whatever! I’ve chosen to believe him and where has it gotten me? Alone and hurt and angry and stuck for 7 years!!!
So – i read what you’ve shared and i’ve been there, done that and can say that from experience – here’s what’s worked for me. NO CONTACT whatsoever was a definite breather! I lasted nearly 3 years before he woooooed me back again and just like any addiction, once i partook-i was hooked. Dammit!! Obviously i have huge issues with self-love, self-respect and self-trust but at this time (2012) i was still in denial and delusional – thinking if we were enjoying such great sex, surely he would want the rest of me over P. That was never ever going to happen and the only one fooled was me.
Fast forward to today and thanks to books like WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES by Sherry Argov, (this is a self-help book all about SELF-RESPECT) i am now moving forward, seeking a healthy, emotionally available man who can and will love this B(abe) I(n) T(otal) C(ontrol) of H(erself) = BITCH and proud of it. If there’s one thing i’ve finally learned it’s that we have to take CONTROL OF OURSELVES!! No man can do this and neither can anyone else – it’s our job!
This has taken 13 years and i know exactly how a broken, aching heart feels like and yes, time helps, but IMHO i’ll always love D – but knowing it’s an addiction and NOT love and through years of hard work, today i am worthy of a love that’s beautiful and emotionally available, capable of loving and being loved and i’m unwilling to settle for anything less!!
Thank you for being here, for posting and know i’m here, right here beside you, virtually hugging you sisters.
xo