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How to stay friends with ex who was diagnosed with cancer?

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  • September 1, 2017 at 1:55 am #166468
    Amanda
    Participant

    I was single for a long time but started to date a man a year ago. After about 4 months seeing him, he was diagnosed with cancer. He then wanted to stay friends because he thinks it’s unfair to drag me along. It was very sad for me, he was the first man whom I loved. And it also triggers the fear of losing love ones to cancer. My mum left me 10 years ago because of breast cancer and I had just recovered from the hurt. I was then trying my best to support him by texting him and sending letters and cards. He didn’t want to see me as I was also stressed to finish my study.

    I don’t think I still love him romantically and I have accepted that we are not meant for each other. Nobody should be blamed for what happen between us. But the lost of love ones still triggers a lot of negative feelings in me, I feel being abandoned and unloved. I wanted to stay friends with him as I think he is a person worth knowing and he feel the same and he told that he considers me a good friend. However, I can’t control myself and still have expectations. I was upset when he wasn’t chatty and he never tries to initiate any conversation. I sometimes feel our friendship is one-sided and I felt not being appreciated. He said he was trying to give me space to overcome what happen between us. At one point, he was impatient and said that love should be unconditional. I  know it’s a very difficult time for him but I think it’s a mutual effort to keep a friendship. I am telling him that I am going to take a break and stop contacting him. If I want to stay friends, I will have to let go of my expectations and love him unconditionally. I am not sure what to do now, my heart is telling me to leave him alone but I am also feeling guilty to do that. Should I readjust myself and stay friends or just leave him?

    September 1, 2017 at 5:17 am #166488
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Amanda,

    We can only imagine what HE’S going through. The important thing to keep in mind is: They are having enough difficulty managing their illness. They cannot be responsible for our feelings as well. We CANNOT be a burden to them. The way he is acting towards you it is clear that he sees your constant emotional attention as a burden. He is under a tremendous amount of stress right now. He may not have the physical energy to keep up a conversation or is too plagued with legitimate worry for one.

    The BEST gift we can give them is to follow their lead. I don’t know if this cancer is Stage 3 or 4 or what, but I’ve noticed that people can become very “selfish” and “trim the fat” of their lives knowing that their time is limited. You were only with him for a short time. Honor that by not making it more than it was.

    I suggest visiting him once a month if he’s home and once a week if he’s in the hospital. And perhaps an OCCASSIONAL text/call/care package. Keep it light and happy.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
    September 1, 2017 at 5:59 am #166492
    Amanda
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thanks for your reply!

    He cancer is at stage 3 and has finished his treatment. He has been travelling around for work.

    I was struggling to balance between showing my care and giving him space. I text him once a week. He told me he is always happy to hear from me. I was telling him I try not to bother him a lot. He told me he did notice when I didn’t text and ask me do not try not to text him. He may be polite to say that to me. I wish to do the best for him. Sometimes I feel he needs my care, sometimes I don’t. I need to have wisdom to follow his lead. I know I need closure so that I can give my support unconditionally. It’s not easy to move on when I try to care about him and on the other hand, try to forget about him. I know I have to be a better person for myself and for him!

    Thank you!

    Amanda

     

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