fbpx
Menu

How to still feel worthy despite major rejection in your life?

Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→How to still feel worthy despite major rejection in your life?

New Reply
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • September 8, 2024 at 6:45 am #437106
    Dena
    Participant

    I know this is going to sound like a really sad post but here goes. I’m a 34yr old HSP female – on the surface I consider myself to be a fairly positive, healthy and bubbly person who loves socialising and enjoying all that life has to offer. Under the surface I still feel so much pain from my childhood and am constantly battling with feelings of low self-worth, insecurities or worried about how others perceive me. I hardly ever talk about it as I’ve had it drilled into me early on to never be a “victim”.

    I was severely abused by my mentally ill mother as well as being in and out of foster care up to the age of 5 when I was then adopted. My adopted parents (who are very religious) provided a good life for me, however they have always been emotionally unavailable and due to our differences in our beliefs I always felt like I was never accepted by them or truly belonged. I was also bullied through out high school and had no support. My family made me feel like I was just “too sensitive” and odd. They were often very harsh, critical and absent. I couldn’t wait to leave home and go out on my own.

    Since then aside from a number of unhealthy relationships I found myself in, I have done a lot of self work and development, forgiven my parents, ready to let go of my past and am now on the journey of healing. I’m also looking to see a therapist soon.

    I’m just still struggling with finding my self-worth amongst all the hurt from the past. I’m finding it difficult to see myself as a loveable person when I have these big rejection wounds. I’ve had so many people come in and out of my life or let me down. A lot of people, whether it be ‘friends’ or acquaintances have also taken advantage of my kind and empathetic nature and have mistreated me which has led to more feelings of disappointment and this belief that I’m damaged goods or not worthy of respect and care. I’ve also had ‘friends’ who emotionally dump on me or only need me when they’re going through things and then deflect or gaslight me when I try to set boundaries. Or ‘friends’ who want me to stay small and get jealous easily or don’t support me. This has made me weary of peoples true intentions. Despite this I make friends easily and have a few genuine close girlfriends but in the back of my mind I worry that people just see me as “nice” or “pretty” and I’m not actually liked or respected. Then I shrink back down to be this reserved and guarded person. Even though I’m an HSP I’m also an ENFP and love feeling connected to people so it can feel really lonely at times.

    How do I move on from all of the above and believe that I am deserving of healthy relationships and love? I don’t wish to have to change my personality or become a cold and bitter person 🙁

    September 8, 2024 at 9:09 am #437126
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dana:

    I am sorry to read that you were severely abused by your mentally-ill mother, that your adoptive parents were often harsh and critical, and that you suffered otherwise in life.

    “I have done a lot of self work and development… ready to let go of my past and am now on the journey of healing. I’m also looking to see a therapist soon“- congratulations for being on the journey of healing, for doing the work, and for preparing to do more work.

    “How to still feel worthy despite major rejection in your life?… How do I move on from all of the above and believe that I am deserving of healthy relationships and love? I don’t wish to have to change my personality or become a cold and bitter person“- my answer this morning: have the courage to (1) think well of yourself no matter what others may think of you, (2) to be on your side no matter some people disapproving/ rejecting you, (3) to acknowledge when you make mistakes, to correct them best you can, and then.. post-correction, the courage to think well of yourself, (4) the courage to be warm and friendly with people even when you’re afraid they’ll reject you.

    There will always be disapproval, rejection, disappointments. We need to be strong, resilient and consistent.

    anita

     

    September 9, 2024 at 9:25 am #437938
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Dena

    I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with child abuse, adoption, bullying and mean people.

    I can empathize with your situation because believe it or not, I come from a similar situation.

    What helped me to heal was understanding that childhood circumstances are random and entirely out of control. It had very little to do with me personally, I was just there in those situations.

    Also, love is valid when it is found anywhere. It doesn’t necessarily have to come from family or a partner. Those friends that you do cherish, their love is meaningful.

    It’s good that you are seeking therapy. If you ask them to help you with managing boundaries and developing self-compassion that will work wonders for developing self-love and protecting you from not so great people in the future.

    When we have difficulties in childhood, that becomes normality and we are drawn to recreating those experiences. With dating in particular it is important to be mindful of this. You deserve someone who treats you well! You deserve to be happy!

    I promise you that there are some good people out there! There are fewer good and bad people than there are average people. The trick is learning to be able to tell the difference. Therapy will help you with that. Build up a support network of good people!

    Congratulations on your healing so far, I can tell that you will be successful in your journey. 😊 These things do take time though. I wish you the best of luck!

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    September 9, 2024 at 2:43 pm #437973
    Dena
    Participant

    Thank you so much for both of your kind words and encouragement. Sorry for my late response – I’m in AEST and writing this in between rushing to work. Yes I think self compassion is something I need to learn and sit with as I can be really critical with myself. I don’t wish to see myself as a victim either and I don’t really even tend to dwell on it or talk about it unless there’s external things in my life which can trigger all those feelings of inadequacy ie) a breakup or rejection from a job.

    I guess my biggest struggle is knowing how not to connect everything back to my childhood. For example if a friend is giving me mixed signals or I feel excluded, unwanted or even a girl I started working with was really rude and standoffish towards me for no reason recently – How do I just accept these are pure coincidences or it happens to everyone and not internalise it as me not being good enough? Because I internalise everything and am also compassionate towards others I notice I also struggle to know peoples trues intentions. I often get disrespected or mistreated by others in small subtle ways and only now I’m learning to call them out on it but then if they’re super apologetic I almost feel bad that I took it personally and go right back to having no boundaries??

    If you have any thoughts on the above that would be great 🙂

    September 9, 2024 at 3:19 pm #437974
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Dena

    No worries at all! 😊 There is no rush.

    I think when you have a relationship with someone it is easier to disentangle past feelings from present feelings when there are difficulties. I ask myself is this congruent with who I know them to be as a person? If not, it’s likely past feelings for me. I also ask myself what does this remind me of? It helps to clarify the memories of the past, to separate them from the present.

    I also write myself notes about things that I’ve learned about myself and my relationship with anxiety. It can be helpful to reflect on when I’m feeling anxious.

    For example:

    I look for a lot of reasons for my anxiety, it is a habit from my childhood.

    I get anxious about things that are important to me.

    I blame myself a lot and it causes anxiety. Insecurity comes from a lack of self-love.

     

    Back to the conversation.

    I think that paying attention to how people treat yourself and others is important. If they treat someone else badly, they are likely to do the same thing to you. Personally, pay attention to actions and words. Do their words match their actions? Some people lie. By considering if they are able to keep their word and how they treat others, you get a sense of how trustworthy someone is. That helps to determine how much you can share with the person. Blind trust hurts. Informed, earned trust I have found to be very valuable. Everyone makes mistakes of course, even good people but most good people will try to fix their mistakes and make efforts to prevent them from reoccurring.

    Learning to trust your feelings is important too. Sometimes people can remind me of people from my past. That can be a warning to step back from them if it’s not a good person they remind me of.

    Everyone has bad days and you never know what is happening in their life. Largely it is not about you, but about them. Even the people in your past who hurt you, it was never you it was them.

    Unless you actively do something to harm someone. Of course, communication is hard and people do get their wires crossed from time to time, especially if their mental health is bad. People can be suspicious of intentions and misattribute things in ways that are not intended.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    September 9, 2024 at 3:39 pm #437975
    Helcat
    Participant

    Remember that some people like peaches, others don’t. There is nothing inherently wrong with a peach. It is just personal preference. Some people get on better than others. Find your people! People who you appreciate and who appreciate you. 😊

    September 9, 2024 at 6:00 pm #437978
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dana: I will read and reply Tues morning (it’s Mon evening here).

    anita

    September 10, 2024 at 11:25 am #438001
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Dena:

    You are welcome!

    “I guess my biggest struggle is knowing how not to connect everything back to my childhood. For example if a friend is giving me mixed signals or I feel excluded… I also struggle to know peoples trues intentions. I often get disrespected or mistreated by others in small subtle ways and only now I’m learning to call them out on it but then if they’re super apologetic I almost feel bad that I took it personally and go right back to having no boundaries??“-

    – (1) I apply what I call The NPARR Strategy. Here is how it may help you: when you Notice that you feel excluded, or otherwise disrespected or mistreated, Pause (pause the rumination about it, pause before saying or doing anything), Adress the situation: was I really excluded, disrespected or mistreated in the particular current situation? Is there a different way to look at/ interpret the situation? Is there a situational problem that requires a solution, or is the problem inaccurate thinking on my part? etc., Next, Respond- or- not (say, type put or do something.. or not), and lastly Redirect: move your attention elsewhere, and whenever possible, redirect judgment to empathy, for yourself, and when appropriate, for others as well.

    If you try the above (or you already tried something similar), please let me know how it goes for you.

    (2) Whenever possible, ask people about their intentions when they say (or do) this or that. Because not all apologies are sincere, or mean that the person thinks that he/ she did anything wrong, better ask an apologizing person, what it is that he/ she is apologizing for.

    Closing this post at 4:25 am, your time.

    anita

    October 24, 2024 at 7:33 am #438948
    alex
    Participant

    I’m really sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. It takes a lot of strength to share such personal experiences. It sounds like you’ve faced significant challenges, and it’s completely understandable to feel the way you do given your past @quordle

    Healing from childhood trauma can be a long journey, and it’s important to acknowledge your feelings and experiences. Seeking support from a therapist or a support group can be incredibly beneficial. You deserve to be heard and to find a space where you can express your feelings without judgment.

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.