Hi Dena

I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties with child abuse, adoption, bullying and mean people.

I can empathize with your situation because believe it or not, I come from a similar situation.

What helped me to heal was understanding that childhood circumstances are random and entirely out of control. It had very little to do with me personally, I was just there in those situations.

Also, love is valid when it is found anywhere. It doesn’t necessarily have to come from family or a partner. Those friends that you do cherish, their love is meaningful.

It’s good that you are seeking therapy. If you ask them to help you with managing boundaries and developing self-compassion that will work wonders for developing self-love and protecting you from not so great people in the future.

When we have difficulties in childhood, that becomes normality and we are drawn to recreating those experiences. With dating in particular it is important to be mindful of this. You deserve someone who treats you well! You deserve to be happy!

I promise you that there are some good people out there! There are fewer good and bad people than there are average people. The trick is learning to be able to tell the difference. Therapy will help you with that. Build up a support network of good people!

Congratulations on your healing so far, I can tell that you will be successful in your journey. 😊 These things do take time though. I wish you the best of luck!

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Dena

No worries at all! 😊 There is no rush.

I think when you have a relationship with someone it is easier to disentangle past feelings from present feelings when there are difficulties. I ask myself is this congruent with who I know them to be as a person? If not, it’s likely past feelings for me. I also ask myself what does this remind me of? It helps to clarify the memories of the past, to separate them from the present.

I also write myself notes about things that I’ve learned about myself and my relationship with anxiety. It can be helpful to reflect on when I’m feeling anxious.

For example:

I look for a lot of reasons for my anxiety, it is a habit from my childhood.

I get anxious about things that are important to me.

I blame myself a lot and it causes anxiety. Insecurity comes from a lack of self-love.

Back to the conversation.

I think that paying attention to how people treat yourself and others is important. If they treat someone else badly, they are likely to do the same thing to you. Personally, pay attention to actions and words. Do their words match their actions? Some people lie. By considering if they are able to keep their word and how they treat others, you get a sense of how trustworthy someone is. That helps to determine how much you can share with the person. Blind trust hurts. Informed, earned trust I have found to be very valuable. Everyone makes mistakes of course, even good people but most good people will try to fix their mistakes and make efforts to prevent them from reoccurring.

Learning to trust your feelings is important too. Sometimes people can remind me of people from my past. That can be a warning to step back from them if it’s not a good person they remind me of.

Everyone has bad days and you never know what is happening in their life. Largely it is not about you, but about them. Even the people in your past who hurt you, it was never you it was them.

Unless you actively do something to harm someone. Of course, communication is hard and people do get their wires crossed from time to time, especially if their mental health is bad. People can be suspicious of intentions and misattribute things in ways that are not intended.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Dana: I will read and reply Tues morning (it’s Mon evening here).

anita