September 7, 2013 at 5:21 pm #41857
I’m 28, I dated guy #2 shortly after I had broken up with my ex-boyfriend of 4 years ( guy #1 whom has decided to take a job overseas and didn’t want to do the long distance thing). I wanted to take things slow but got caught up in the the thrill of a new romance. I didn’t want a rebound and warned him about it. I had my reservations cause after the 1st date, he introduced me to his mom, is 35, dated a lot of girls one after the other and his longest relationship ever was 6 months. He told me it’s cause he had issues but worked them out. Still I wanted to protect myself, especially since minutes after our 1st kiss, he posted something on facebook about it. PLus I was scared to get involved with him cause he’s working to pay off a lot of debt and can’t afford to live by himself right now so shares a house with a few roomates. I’m in a good place financially and I’d want someone who’s just as independent as I am. Still, I gave it a chance and fell in love with him, However, 1 month later, my ex moved back and quit his job cause he missed me and tried to win me back. I was torn and I told guy #2 that I was stuck because I loved them both so I broke things off with him. He was devastated, assumed I was going back to my ex and a week later, he started dating a new girl. At first, I told him I was happy for him cause I felt guilty for leaving him, but then I realized how much I missed him and told him. He snapped at me and told me it was too late cause he liked that new girl. I was so so confused cause he kept telling me we were soul mates and we’d end up getting married and now he’s moved on so fast. He also told me we’re not right for each other right now, that we should stay friends and if the universe decides, we’ll be together again in this lifetime or the next one. I’ve decided to be alone for now but I’m so sad over guy #2 cause I feel like I ruined everything. How can I move on and stop feeling so mad at myself?September 7, 2013 at 5:52 pm #41860
Mariposa, thanks for your share. I am going through a divorce right now and I screwed things up too. For me, there was a lot of pain and suffering because my identity was so tied to my wife and to women in general that i felt a great deal of loss, confusion and panic at the thought of being alone. Deep down inside I have had a great need to have a connection, feel loved, and validated. I often looked for this connection in all the wrong places.
What has been working for me is writing about this, like in this forum, sharing with friends who really do love me and being gentle with myself. Ultimately, I engaged in a lot of self loathing by constantly fixating on the issue thinking that in my own private fantasy, i would somehow be able to fix it. What is helping me get through this tough times is the fact that this is out of my control, but there is a kind God who will make things better for me, that I pray for the happiness of my wife, with or without me, and I reside in faith and hope every day. I have to ask for this every day because self doubt and fear always creep in.
Accept yourself as well, love and relationships are confusing and it happens to everyone, but even though you might have done something you are not happy with you yourself are a good person.