Mariposa, thanks for your share. I am going through a divorce right now and I screwed things up too. For me, there was a lot of pain and suffering because my identity was so tied to my wife and to women in general that i felt a great deal of loss, confusion and panic at the thought of being alone. Deep down inside I have had a great need to have a connection, feel loved, and validated. I often looked for this connection in all the wrong places.
What has been working for me is writing about this, like in this forum, sharing with friends who really do love me and being gentle with myself. Ultimately, I engaged in a lot of self loathing by constantly fixating on the issue thinking that in my own private fantasy, i would somehow be able to fix it. What is helping me get through this tough times is the fact that this is out of my control, but there is a kind God who will make things better for me, that I pray for the happiness of my wife, with or without me, and I reside in faith and hope every day. I have to ask for this every day because self doubt and fear always creep in.
Accept yourself as well, love and relationships are confusing and it happens to everyone, but even though you might have done something you are not happy with you yourself are a good person.
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