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How to stop my feelings from a guy I dated shortly

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Lud 2 months ago.

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  • #153608

    Alan
    Participant

    I commented my story in one post before, so I just copied it here:

    I dated this guy for 2 months. He just got out of long term relationship just a month before we met. At the beginning, everything seemed perfect between us. There was a lot of affection, attention and care. I also was introduced to his circle of friends and his sibling. I should recognize that was a red flag as things moved kinda fast. But I was inexperienced and thought it was just we’re so great together and things evolved naturally. Therefore, after into a month or two of dating, I noticed he became distant and he mentioned he did not look for a long term relationship at one point. He also revealed to me that he still had some residual feelings for his ex, although they could not get back together due to their differences. In addition, he was undergoing job issues at the moment. I don’t know if it’s the reason, or just the combination of everything, he ended breaking up with me. We haven’t contacted since, and it’s been 1.5 months.

    I have never expected the pain could be this intense just for a short dating. I thought I was doing okay for a while, until something (social media) told me he might have moved on to another girl. I feel like my heart is trembling in pain. After all he said about things have could worked out at different time between us, which makes me cling to that false hope. My friends all said he just didn’t care about me, I was just a nobody to him and it would get better in time. I haven’t tried dating again yet, but maybe it’s better for me to get out there and meet other guys. For now, how to control my thought about him, control myself not to be hurt over him?

    Thanks,

    #153612

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alan:

    I hope you do feel better soon. You asked: “how to control my thought about him, control myself not to be hurt over him?”-

    Consider avoiding his social media communication, so you don’t get triggered as you have last time.

    Learn all you can from this short dating experience and take things more slowly next time, get to know the man over time, and pace yourself emotionally, best you can, not falling in love too deep with an idea of who the man is, or an idea of what the relationship is like. Instead get to know who the man is, and what is the nature of the relationship, over time.

    To think less, focus on your moment-to-moment, day to day living: focus on what you are doing at the moment (it is called “mindfulness”, if you are not familiar with the concept you can read about it).

    When you feel badly, do something to help yourself: maybe take a long walk outdoors, or talk to a supportive friend, listen to your favorite music… or post here again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

     

    #153808

    Alan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your sharing and advice.

    I tried blocking all my thought about him as I feel it’s pretty pathetic and I don’t even know what kind of feeling it is. It’s certainly not love. Because love is built over time, not just a rush of hormone. If it was infatuation, it should have ended by now, and why did I even get jealous of him getting another girl? My brain tells me he’s not the one. No matter what circumstances are, a guy feels ‘meh’ about me shouldn’t deserve me. But this rational thought is buried in the foolish heart.

    You’re probably right! I may be just in love with the idea of him and how relationship turns out to be. If giving more time, when all of these illusion gets weaker, I will fall out of feelings for him. I don’t know why I can understand it, I think I’m strong enough (I didn’t beg or even cry after we broke up) but still cannot accept this truth. Maybe my self-esteem is not as good as I thought.

    I talked to my family, my friends, got myself in gym, spent time playing sports, hung out and got involved into hobbies that I abandoned long time ago. But whenever I’m alone, the sadness and loneliness starts emerging. I think the only way to get out of it is keeping busy all the time and being in social events more.

     

    #153814

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alan:

    Keeping busy is a good idea, stick to a daily routine. At times when you are alone, and the sadness and loneliness emerge, take deep breaths and relax best you can. Let the feelings be for a little while: they are uncomfortable but not dangerous. You are able to feel these feelings and be okay.

    I suppose it hurts to be rejected by a guy who you were interested in; to be rejected after being intimate with him, that hurts even more. Remember that there is no woman in the world (I don’t think) who was never rejected by a man.

    You are strong enough to handle this.

    Post again, anytime.

    anita

    #153856

    Lud
    Participant

    I have been in the same situation and overall only time heals. Getting busy is very important as you realize life is not only about love (the romantical one, at least) and in many situations we will be utterly alone, so the most important relationship you have to work on and nurture is with yourself. It is important to acknowledge and sit with your thoughts and emotions as they come and not always try to run away from them. Believe me, sometimes a little bit of pain works as a balm for the soul, and eventually you will be thankful for having been through all of this.

    Also, avoiding hearing from him is very important. No social media, no pictures of him in your gallery, no saved messages, I would delete everything… our mind can play very tricky games sometimes, and keeping memories of him will only make your brain edit and idealize the situations that you went through together,

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