Dear Pandanator:

You mentioned recent health issues, are you okay now, physically?

“I ended up just blocking him from contacting me as I don’t want to get hurt again but I do feel very guilty over that”- this means that part of you thinks r feels that you shouldn’t have blocked him, that it was the wrong thing to do.

“Is there anyway to help stop this overthinking cycle? I don’t understand why he even bothered in the first place”- I overthink when I don’t understand what and why, so I think this possibility,  and then I think that possibility.. and end up overthinking. Maybe if you share more about the relationship (when you are in a calm state of mind), I can help you get the clarity that you don’t have now (or didn’t at the time you posted)..?

Confusion=> Overthinking; Clarity=> Calm

anita

Dear Pandanator:

I am looking forward to attentively read and reply to you Mon morning, in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Pandanator:

You are welcome and thank you for being here!

“It has been extremely stressful with one thing after another, a potential cancer“- has cancer been ruled out?

“I tend to try to believe that everyone deep down is a good person“- everyone deep down is a good person, but in too many people (and 1 is too many), that good-person deep inside is trapped, mute and powerless, deep inside a bad person. (am not saying that he is a bad person)

I am the one adding the boldface feature selectively in the following quote: “Based on the conversation, he seemed to be confused.. The whole relationship he was just very confused and was a hot/cold person. He would be super happy to see me one day and then a week later seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me and was always judging me”-

– seems to me that he had a parent who unexpectedly changed from good (affectionate, supportive) to bad (hostile, abusive) and he projected that parent into you, shifting from seeing you as good (and responding to his perception of you as good by being super happy to see you, acting hot), and seeing you as bad (and responding to his perception of you as bad by acting like he wanted nothing to do with you, acting cold).

His confusion may very well be about who you are, good or bad, friendly or hostile; a confusion that’s a result of his projection of a parent into you, and therefore not being able to clearly see who you are. It is very common for a person to project a parent into a romantic partner.

“I do feel very guilty over blocking him as I do believe he is a good person…  he was super friendly the week before when I snapped and told him to stop playing games…  All I can think is I am probably not as good as the other girl he ended up with”-

– think, if you will, that he was possibly projecting an abusive parent into you, and his behavior was not .. about you. If I am correct, then he will do a similar kind of projection into his new girlfriend.

“I do tend to be a chronic overthinker and an anxious-attachment person. It is something I want to work on. I am really trying not to think about the whole thing but it is quite an enigma“- an enigma that can be solved if you knew about his childhood. You know how your childhood is powerful in your current, adult life (causing your chronic overthinking and anxious attachment style), do you..?  Same about  his childhood.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Pandanator:

You are welcome!  “He does seem to come from a family that will judge others easily“-  I came from such family myself. My mother was very, very judgmental, that was her #1 trait, and so, I didn’t have the .. space to make (what was in her eyes) mistakes because she didn’t tolerate my mistakes and punished me for them. I lived in distress, fearing the next mistake, repeatedly resolving that “from now on, I will be perfect; from now on I will make no mistakes”  but I failed every time. Living like that was like holding my breath in, too scared to exhale.

“It is something that is foreign to me as I was raised the complete opposite where my mother always encouraged me to look at life through various angles“- my mother allowed only ONE angle, her own angle, no other angles allowed.

“Also do not worry about being late! We all have lives and priorities. It is very kind of you to offer advice to others during your own spare time“- this is very kind of you to add this, to.. give me space to be late/ to make a mistake. So, in communication with you.. I can be relaxed enough to exhale (unless I inaccurately project my mother into you).

“I had never known that projection was a thing. It an interesting perspective that I think can help me analyze my own life as well. I maybe had been projecting my own emotions during the entire time without knowing it“- we all project our emotions all the time, it’s healthy and normal when our projections are accurate-enough. For example: when you see someone in pain and you feel sorry for them, it’s because you felt pain before, it felt badly for you, and you assume (project) that the other person experiences pain similarly, as something that’s bad.

Problem is when our projections are not accurate at all. For example: when my mother looked at me silently (just looking at me without saying anything), I knew there was trouble coming, that she was going to punish me. Fast forward, far away from her, when I notice that someone is looking at me silently.. I feel distressed, angry, like the person is thinking negative things about me and I am about to be punished. This has always been- that I remember- an inaccurate projection.

In your original post, you wrote: “The relationship was quite toxic… I ended up just blocking him from contacting me as I don’t want to get hurt again but I do feel very guilty over that”- do you know why you feel or felt very guilty for blocking a toxic person.. or is it that part of you believes that you are the toxic person?

anita

Dear Pandanator:

No problem at all with you replying.. whenever you reply, good to read back from you.  I will be back to your thread Sun morning, in about 14 hours and reply further.

anita