1,5 years ago I met one girl. There was something different about her, as I have never felt that way with anyone before. But there was one major obstacle. She was already in relationship. Fooling myself into thinking that I can manage with a regular friendship, I continued our acquaintance, but the more I got to know her, the deeper I was falling for her. It ended up with severe anxiety and depression. I didn’t want to live anymore. The pain was so agonizing that I decided that there is not other way than cutting ties with that person. So I disclosed my feelings and then disappeared from her life forever.

But then, in the beginning of this year another person appeared in my life. This new girl knew about my heartbreak from our common friends and from the start, she seemed to be a healer. She was very comforting, deeply cared about my well-being… she was an embodied compassion. At the beginning I wasn’t interested in her in romantic way. I don’t know. Maybe I haven’t found her attractive enough, but the main reason could be that after first bad experience I have built very high walls to protect myself from experiencing such an excruciating pain again.. But the more I got to know her, the more I liked that person. We share the same interests and hobbies. What’s more, she was constantly seeking for my attention and she was so absorbed with me that I started to open up. I’ve never felt loved that much before!

She lives in different city so at first we were just writing to each other on facebook. A lot! At least 2 hours a day. Then we decided to visit each other. First she visited me, then I went to her place. We were showing each other a lot of affection. Cuddling, holding hands, etc…

But then she departed to Europe for 5 months (work related reasons), and pretty soon I’m departing to south-east Asia for 7 months (my own project) So the fact is that we won’t see each other for 9 months! We knew that this moment is about to come so we decided not to formalize our relationship (although I wanted it)

It’s already month since she’s gone. At first she was writing a lot to me, but recently our contact is limited to maybe one or two messages per day. It takes her longer and longer to respond to my messages. Sometimes she doesn’t respond for two days, although she’s pretty often active on facebook. Once I’ve seen a picture of her and her coworker hugging. It could be a friendly hug, but my paranoid brain says me something different. I don’t force the contact because I don’t want to expose to her that needy part of me. I feel ignored, forgotten, unloved and I can’t help that feeling. Deep down I’m suffering just like one year ago. Again I have terrible anxiety attacks. In one moment everything seems to be fine, and few seconds later I’m crying like a baby.

After few months of resisting I eventually showed her my vulnerable (and still broken) part of me, and now I pay the price.

After my first heartbreak I’ve done a lot in terms of self improvement. I’ve read tonnes of research papers and psychology books about attachment issues, anxiety, and other possible roots of my misery. I tried meditation. I started a therapy. I digged into my past to investigate all possible causes of that great emotional pain.

And here I’m again. Curling up on me bed, crying of gut-wrenching pain.