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David

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
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  • #135957
    David
    Participant

    Dear anita and lukesblues,

    You’re both very right. And I totally agree with you anita. You wrote:
    “You don’t have this with your current girlfriend. She loved you from the start, no loss-and-return. It feel nice, but not intense.”

    True. She gives me all I have ever wanted with my ex. I feel safe in my relationship. I feel secure. I give her a lot of freedom. She has her male friends and I do not feel jealous becouse of it. She also trusts me completely and gives a lot of space and freedom. I deeply care for her, and when she was going through hardships related to loss of job, I was giving my best to help her out with finding a new workplace. I am always there for her, and I know that I can always rely on her when I feel low. I can expose to her my most vulnerable part and feel completely comfortably with it.

    Role model of what relationship should be. But… you’re very right anita.. I miss that intoxicating intensity of my flawed relationship with my ex.

    It’s stupid, becouse rational part of me doesn’t want this kind of relationship. I know it has never served my well-being. I was suffering most of time, but still these occasional highs were totally worth it.

    I guess that’s how feel a crack addict.

    #135943
    David
    Participant

    @lukesblues

    Yes, I’m still in relationship with that girl. The thing is.. I really love her. She’s great, we fit each other perfectly, we both love travelling, she’s fun person to be around, we almost never argue.. She has all qualities to be a perfect life partner

    on the other hand, relationship with my Ex was rocky form the beginning, there was a lot of jealousy and other unhealthy emotions. Yet.. there was an amazing chemistry, which I don’t feel for my current girlfriend. It was something electrical and it still gives me shivers when I think about it. I miss this “kick” which made me feel like walking in the air.

    I am on strict NC for almost a year now. I have cut all communication with my ex. We haven’t said a word to each other since last May. I unfollowed her on all social media, and somehow resist the urge to check her profile. Since last May, there were only two times when I saw her picutre on facebook and it’s only becouse one of our common friends liked the picture on which she was tagged. Each time I saw her – I felt ruined.

    I feel desperate. I don’t know how to let it go. NC rule doesn’t seem to work for me, becouse I think about my ex every day.
    I don’t want it to jeopardize my current relationship. My current girl is kind of person, everyone wished to have as a life partner.

    I know that my words may look like not genuine, but I just have feelings for both these girls. I deeply care for my girlfriend, and I’m always there for her when she needs me. We have a very supportive type of relationship. But at the same time, I feel this “chemistry” for my ex, and the fact that she’s unattainable makes me want her even more…

    I never felt that confused in my life πŸ™

    #135399
    David
    Participant

    @lukesblues

    There are days when I almost not think about her at all, and on the other days I suffer overwhelming anxiety related to my unresolved past with this girl. I really doubt if I had made ANY progress during last 11 months…

    #100494
    David
    Participant

    At the same time I cannot even evoke in myself feelings of anger towards my ex for making me feel so low. I tend to think about her as a victim of her own difficult childhood. Just like me, she suffers from depression. Sometimes it’s stroneger, sometimes it almost completely wanes, but it’s always there.. and she totally mirrors that darkest part of my nature.

    #100492
    David
    Participant

    Thank you for your replies. I think that might be the point, Anita. Actually both my parents were very distant emotionally. They were fighting all the time and I’ve never really seen them being affectionate for each other. I may not even realize this, but there might be something familiar in pattern of chasing unattainable love. Maybe that’s why I have such strong feelings for my ex.

    It wears me out.. I spend fantastic time with my girlfriend, and then I come back to my empty apartment and nostalgia takes my mind. During these times my ex is the only person on Earth, I’m thinking about.

    El, I think your right in that point. She caused a lot of damage to my self-esteem.I remember the first time she dumped me for another guy. I was questioning totally everything about myself

    #91864
    David
    Participant

    Hi Shelly!

    I’ve tried it also, but non of these girls seem even half that interesting as my lover.. it makes me even more depressed so I stopped it for now. Anyway thank you for sharing your experience

    #74684
    David
    Participant

    Vanilla, read about term “limerence”, then join support board:

    http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence

    hope that helps!

    #67736
    David
    Participant

    OK, so I did write to her and now it’s A MESS!!! πŸ™

    She responded that she’s happy to hear from me, she missed me, and asked me whether I still want to be with her. I replied possitively. I was sure that she wants to leave that guy for me. But later she told me how much she’s confused about that situation, that me and the other guy are equally great, and she deeply suffers becouse she can be only with one…

    I have deep trust issues, since the first girl who broke my heart was leading me on for over 6 months. this situation remindes me a lot the previous one, although now I’ve got a feeling that she might be confused indeed…

    We live in different cities (250 miles apart) so all we can do is to talk via facebook, while the other guy lives in the same city as her… I don’t know how to behave in such situation. I want to trust her with all my heart, but I’m scared that she might be leading me on πŸ™

    #66523
    David
    Participant

    toto and butterfly.. thank you for sharing your experience!

    I was utterly devastated when I’ve heard that she loves somebody else, after I waited for her several months, but learning from my past experience with different girl, when I begged and pleaded A LOT, I decided to act differently. I said that I’m happy to hear that she’s doing great and I wish her best. Then I cut all contact with her.

    I haven’t responded to her message, which she sent me last week (asking about my new job). Today she sent me another one which consisted of link to interview with some famous traveler (travelling is my passion)

    I’m confused and I don’t know what should I do.

    Does she:

    1) Miss me and want me back?
    2) Want to have me as her friend?
    3) Want to get an ego boost? (learning that I’m still head over heels in love with her)
    4) Feel guilty about dumping me and just want to make sure that I’m doing fine?

    I feel that maintaing NC is the best thing to do, but on the other hand I love her so much and I don’t want her to think that I’m mad on her..

    But also I don’t want to explain myself to her why I don’t want to talk with her… She’s fully aware of my feelings for her. During my last breakup I begged and pleaded and explained a lot and not only I didn’t change anything, but also felt guilty and ashamed for making a desperate wimp of myself.

    Any thoughts? πŸ™

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by David.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by David.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by David.
    #66416
    David
    Participant

    I feel so used πŸ™ she needed someone to heal her broken heart and I gave her all of myself. And later, at first opportunity, she changed me for somebody else. And now she’s (at least as happy) as she was with me, and I am left all alone again, dying of gut-wrenching pain πŸ™

    I know that I should be happy it turned out this way, becouse her neediness could become even more troublesome as we would proceed in our relationship, but on the other hand, my own insecurities yearn somebody like her. I cannot even be angry at her. I still think of her as a poor, confused girl who got her mind messed up by some jerk πŸ™

    #66403
    David
    Participant

    move out! ASAP! I made it once a mistake to live for 3 years with a roommate who was constantly boosting his self-esteem by criticizing me for everything I did. I ended up with shattered self-esteem and that strongly affected on my later relationships. I still experience aftermath of sharing an apartment with him, as I’m going through very difficult breakup, which brings me back old feelings of inadequacy and being not good enough.

    These people are dangerous. Keep out! You don’t want to let him bring you down!

    #66402
    David
    Participant

    Pal… I know exactly what it is πŸ™ 6 years is a long time… I was just dumped by a girl whom i was dating for several months. We went for long distance relationship nad there she met someone new. I can’t feel anything. No anger, no sadness. Just numbness. That haunting state of limbo. It feels as an unreal dream. I just want to sing along with Thom Yorke: “I’m not here. This isn’t happening.” and other times all i want is to close my eyes and never open them again. Even replying to this post feels like a dream πŸ™ i can’t believe it. We developed such a strong emotional bond, and i was dumped like that… If i did it to her, 3-4 months ago she would be totally devastated. But now she’s just experiencing bliss od a new relationship, whereas i’m dying inside

    #65200
    David
    Participant

    and besides louise, what gives you right to judge that girl, by saying that “she has no morals”? you know NOTHING about her. Yes, we don’t message each other, as frequently as, before her departure but distance and living in totally different time zones, takes a toll. She might be not, as flirtarious as, she was almost 4 months ago, but afterall it doesn’t necessairly prove that she has no longer interest in me. It has been a really long time, we haven’t seen each other in person. Still, she seems to be happy that we will meet again soon. And she’s not even interested whether I’ve got that job or not.

    It’s just a voice in my head, that’s making up stories. And I recognize that this stories are not necessairly true. But somehow they still have got power over me. Irrational fear that being jobless, will make me unworthy and unlovable in her eyes. I just want to quiet that voice in my head but I don’t know how!

    I was raised in family where my father is an extremly workaholic. Since my earliest school days, I was forced to involve myself in various groups, shows and other additional activities, just to avoid being “idle” and stay “active” all the time. The message I got from that time is: “I’m accepted when I’m busy and have stuff to do”. Besides, my mother always said to me how girls envy and like such type of man, becouse they feel safe with him and that she decided to be with my father becouse of his qualities (hardworking person).

    That’s why situation, where I’m in love and stay unemployed, is such extremly uncomfortable for me.

    #65195
    David
    Participant

    louise, the reason I write here is that I want to find a compassion, be uderstood by someone and not to be treated in judgemental way. That’s why I talk about it here, not among people who would treat me just as you did, making me doubt myself even more.

    What I see, is that some faulty thinking patterns are holding me back, and what I want to do is to break free from them, so I won’t stress out becouse of being temporary unemployed and I won’t need a girl to validate that I’m a lovable human being.

    That’s what tinybuddha is for.

    #65173
    David
    Participant

    Thank you, everyone for sharing your wisdom! Some of you made some excellent points (ie. Shawn about my lack of gratitude! Indeed I need to practise it!)

    I went on few job interviews but so far I was rejected by everyone. It’s getting harder and harder each time becouse after each failure, my self-esteem is totally ruined. It is very difficult for me to convince myself that I’m not a loser and I should give myself another chance… I hate feeling so inadequate and not good enough πŸ™

    and there is this girl in the equation… I think that I have feelings for her. Before she left for that student exchange program, we used to be very affectionate towards each other. I’ve never before felt so loved and accepted. With her by my side, I felt like a valuable human being. But now I’m terribly worried that when she comes back from her exchange program (by the end of september) and finds out that I’m unemployed, she will not want to stay with me. I know… it looks like a faulty script in my head which says that “I’m worthy only when I have a job and earn money” but I can’t stop making such stories in my head.

    I don’t want her to leave me.

    That’s what I’m scared. That she will leave me. Not the fact that I’m unemployed.

    The real reson of me being so scared is idea of her leaving me BECOUSE I don’t have a job.

    Which equals an ultimate rejection and prove of being unlovable and not good enough.

    If I only knew how to find a way out from this labiryth πŸ™

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)