Hi David,

While reading your post, I got the impression your mind is not well set on the decision to let her go, although you’d like to move on in the most honorable way.

It is true. When you want something your mind easily believes excuses that may allow you to obtain it. However, nothing stops you from thinking about them at a second time in private and cleanse them of every desire. Then you may act upon them. Right now, you are not at ease because you know there may be explanations about her behavior. Of course you are not sure about whether to trust her or not, because of your past relationship. However, you cannot possibly exclude a valid explanation, or is the fact that she met someone else really enough for you to close contact? Moreover, consider that she is a new person, you should not project into her the needs and wants of another person that is not related to her. It is true, she may want to boost her self esteem, but do you think she wants only that, don’t you think she may want you to feel good as well? Don’t you think you may actually feel both good if you parted nicely? Really, you are going to think about this for a long time, I suppose it’s a good thing to hear her, then think in private and think whether you want to believe her or not. If you fear you may act in a silly way, just recall to not make promises or declare intentions, just talk about what happened and how you both felt and take your time in private later.

Moreover, you say you do not feel handsome/lovable/interesting enough. What’s enough? Really your bound was not that strong and she moved far away. It was easy for her to not think about you. Moreover, I’m sure other boys started talking with her, they were actually closer. However, you do not know what went through her mind. Was that boy just a friend? If he wasn’t just a friend, don’t you think that the mere fact you were far away made you less interesting indeed? Do not take it as a fault within yourself, it was an unfortunate combination of events.

Anyway that’s the point. What do you think, was your bound so strong that she did not have to give a chance to that man? (Consider your inner feelings and/or the statistics of the people around you) What would you have done in the same situation if a girl came to you instead while she was away? If the bound was enough strong, do you want a girl that do not know how to behave when you are far away? If the answer to the third question is no, how can she prove you she will not do the same one day when your bound is stronger? More importantly, are you ready to wait that much time to let her regain your trust or is it better to look for a new potentially more reliable person? These are the question you should aim to answer when you talk with her. Just one suggestion, take your time, but not too much time.

One more thing, you should not be worried about whether a person wants to boost her self esteem or not. We all do something because it makes us feel better somehow. That’s a good thing that a person feels good when she is with you, so please feel proud of that, you made a girl feel great and that makes you handsome/lovable/interesting. I understand you did not feel your needs met when she left you, but I suppose that it was something nor she nor you could anticipate for the future, that her feelings would change. Now you know that you need a more reliable person, someone who does not want to feel great only one day with you, but wants to follow a more stable path. So, please focus on your needs, look at what you want and whether it is satisfied now and whether it will be satisfied in the future. As long as your partner looks reliable, do not mind whether that boost her self esteem, that’s exactly a good thing and one healthy reason we are in a relationship for.

It sounds like you had a causal relationship with someone and developed deeper feelings for her than what she had for you. You are probably more hurt over what you were hoping things would eventually be between the two of you, than what they actually were. This girl might not even know how you really feel, because it was never communicated. She’s probably just doing what most people do by keeping her options open until she gets a boyfriend.
Nothing is wrong with feeling disappointed, that’s a part of being human, but you should take time to self-evaluate to understand how a person who was giving you so little in a relationship can have such a big impact on your self-esteem.
If you don’t identify why you may be sensitive about getting attention and affection, you may come off as being too needy. That will scare her and other girls away.
If you still want to pursue this girl, confirm whether or not she has a boyfriend, get to know each other as friends and then discuss what type of relationship you are interested in having with her. Also, keep your options open until you are in a committed relationship. A guy your age should be socializing and getting to know different girls, before settling down with just one.

Hi David,

It seems clear to me that you should not have any trust issues at this point. She was completely honest and told you what’s on her mind. She did not promise you anything and it is not sure she will eventually be in a relationship with you.

Now the decision is yours to make. Do you want to try to compete for her with the other guy or do you want to give up? Consider that she may take an huge amount of time to actually decide, there is also a risk that she gets so used to the competition that she sees no point about deciding and she may eventually feel comfortable to have two half-boyfriends. So if you decide to compete, discuss the pros and cons, but set a deadline for her decision (a month or so), if she didn’t decide by that time, let her go. Do you want to wait for an undecided girl forever? There are many others who may have a much more clear mind.

However, let me point out that you are not in a good position. The other guy is closer to her and he can be there for her much more often that you can. She is free to see him whenever she likes, since she is not committed to you. Moreover, you will have to spend much more resources to keep the relationship going on. If you push yourself now, you’ll going to be tired later, she will spot the difference and may claim you are not the man you was. If you try to keep a sustainable pace, chances are the other guy will do more to her eyes because he will not need to pay for the distance.

My personal advice is to let her go. Be proud of the fact she still thinks about you after such a long time, but your bound is not strong enough and things are carrying you away. Tell her that you fear the distance may eventually make things worse with you and, since she thinks you and the other guys are about the same, the other guy is going to be a better match because he is closer.

Anyway, feel free to discuss with her the pros and cons of the situation, especially the distance issue. However, do not expect she can be very clear about it, nor push her to take a stance. There are things she may only understand by actually living them. The point that seems to worry you is only one: if she commits to you and if one day she finds something better, will she still be with you or will she follow that something better? What do you think would be the right thing to do? What would you do in that situation? What do you think your girlfriend should do? Most importantly, are the future expectations more important than the present that you should renounce to a nice relationship in the present for the fear things may not work out in the future or is it ok to be together as long as it lasts? These are the questions of trust you need to answer. She may not have a clear mind yet, if it is so, it’s up to you to gamble you time and risk or to look somewhere else for what you want.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Vhanon.