October 17, 2014 at 4:45 pm #66399AnonymousInactive
I am sharing a flat, but my flatmate has worn me out with criticism and judgement. I am 32 Indian female and according to him, I should have been married with 2-3 kids by now. He is Indian as well, married with kid, but his wife and kid live in India.
Its not my place to judge him, but he constantly judges me regarding my single status. Asked me what is wrong with me, how do I approach guys, do I flirt, how do I flirt, why don’t I sleep with some people to get a hang of it, why my parents are not worried and looking out for guys? He was interviewing me how I approach and flirt with guys, and boasting about his flirting skills that he can have any girl on his bed whenever he wants.
He said that I am unfriendly, inflexible, reserved, non-flirty ………. yes I am to him, because I avoid him like plague. He just sits on his couch after work and all throughout the weekend, doesn’t even go out, though he have a brand new car, sitting in the driveway. He doesn’t have any friends to socialize, he hates the native of this country, hate asians and hate Indians as well. He doesn’t even speak to anybody at work. He hates reading, going to parks, museums, nature walks or exploring, travelling, things I love and can converse, but he says its all stupid and bull****.
Thankfully I am moving out soon, can’t wait. But he makes sure to put me down whenever he gets a chance. I just thank him for his input and smile, which boosted his ego and he said I am happy and successful, that is why I like to help people? I keep my calm and peace within, I know who I am and where I come from, I don’t have the urge to argue with him or prove myself to him, but he never gives up.
Is he mental, depressed or completely clueless about being obnoxious? What does he want me to do?October 18, 2014 at 1:01 am #66403DavidParticipant
move out! ASAP! I made it once a mistake to live for 3 years with a roommate who was constantly boosting his self-esteem by criticizing me for everything I did. I ended up with shattered self-esteem and that strongly affected on my later relationships. I still experience aftermath of sharing an apartment with him, as I’m going through very difficult breakup, which brings me back old feelings of inadequacy and being not good enough.
These people are dangerous. Keep out! You don’t want to let him bring you down!October 18, 2014 at 4:21 am #66410
Hey Network7 @minismita
What people do is their business. What you do is your business. Similarly, how people choose to make others feel is their business and how you choose to make yourself feel is your business. Mind your business with a smile, which you are doing. Move out with a smile. Some things are not meant to be understood or worth wasting time on. Clear the account and keep moving forward with your head held high up. Don’t get stuck in the rut again, pls
JOctober 18, 2014 at 12:05 pm #66422AnonymousInactive
Thanks David, may you find peace and love in your heart, loads of blessings towards you.
Hey up, how are you? I know what you mean, keep my calm and move forward, but at times it gets difficult when people like these don’t want to leave you at peace, at any cost. Thank you, I think I need my rafiki dose every once in a while 🙂October 18, 2014 at 3:28 pm #66430JessicaParticipant
It’s good that you are moving out. This man, and this situation, sound so horribly toxic. No peace in your mind (how can you have peace if someone puts your down so much?) and just not good all around. It’s a shame that he sees the world though such a narrow view. I bet that he is a very hurt person inside, probably from things that happened before in his life. There are two ways people deal with things: either they are mad at the world for whatever is going on in their life and act like they are the first person it’s ever happened to -OR- you have people that roll up their sleeves and take on whatever is in front of them – and it’s those people, the ones who don’t blame, who will be successful and happy. Your approach to him is very kind. Have you thought about spending your time away from him and his negativity while you’re still living there?? Since you are moving out soon, it might be good in the meantime to remove yourself from the situation – go out somewhere, take a book with you or anything, and just relax and enjoy being peaceful without someone who is so mad at the world. And really, it’s also none of his business why you don’t have babies or children. Some people don’t. It’s something that happens, and also not the path everyone takes. That being said, it’s also not something that’s happening right now, it can happen later if it wants. So what’s the big deal? Life isn’t the same for everyone. I feel sorry for your current roommate; I couldn’t imagine waking up everyday with such hate in my heart. What a horrible way to live!! I hope that you are moving somewhere that will allow you to live in peace and be surround with people that bring you joy, love, and laughter.October 19, 2014 at 12:40 am #66446
Ha Ha @minismita. I forgot all about Rafiki lol.
Now that you have raised a valid point – “I know what you mean, keep my calm and move forward, but at times it gets difficult when people like these don’t want to leave you at peace, at any cost” – let me share an important lesson with you so that you can keep moving forward.
People are merely our reflections. They are our mirrors. What goes inside you gets projected outside in the people that share your energy space….in this case, your lovely flatmate !!! Lets be honest here ok….have you got over the fact that you are still single at 32 and all the other issues that this flatmate has raised ? Could this actually be your inner film ? Only you can answer this for yourself. Until you learn the lessons, you will keep facing such people wherever you go. Change the inner film and people outside will change to reflect that. Others are not the one who are trying to ruin your peace. YOU and YOUR thoughts are the culprit. Take ownership and watch them so that you can work on them and avoid such scenarios in the future.
Think about it, my friend. Life and people are too wonderful to cause havoc in our life. We create everything and every person around us. If you are not liking what is showing outside, change the inner script 🙂
JOctober 19, 2014 at 1:47 pm #66489AnonymousInactive
Thank you very much for an insightful input. Yes I was mostly outside, only came back for dinner and sleep. He caught me during the time I had my dinner. Anyways I moved out now and moving forward. love and blessings to you.
I completely agree with you regarding the inner film and surprisingly its get distorted with I’s only. 7 years in UK, I had fallen in love with myself for the first time, met people and had experiences which shown that I am greater than I think and that I am a person rather than the labels which I have been bestowed upon. I did have a inner-film that time of why I can’t find a relationship and grow old with someone, which forced me to make a stupid decision and you know what happened after that.
During that time I immensely missed my true self, the traveler, the explorer, holding conversation with random people, growing spiritually and becoming a better version of myself. Yes, I had my parents with me who love me and whom I love to bits, but I realized I need to love me first and fulfill my needs first, to pass that forward.
That’s why I am here in NZ, again on a self-discovering journey. I don’t have that inner-film anymore, I have made my peace with it. I have met people from all across the world and they don’t label me. Sadly, its only the I’s. Earlier I used to wonder that something is wrong with me, because of which I can’t gel with my own people. But now I realized I am a Swan, not an ugly duckling. I don’t have a protocol or manual to live my life right according to societies or people standards.
I know me and my flatmate were right in our own places, but he was not accepting my difference and made every conversation miserable. I thought he would give up, considering I was not reacting to anything he said. For the first time, I did not get angry, did not have the need to explain anything and did not have the urge to put him in his place.
I don’t understand myself in terms of intimate relationship and don’t know how to explain it? But what is the best way to handle questions like these?October 19, 2014 at 4:36 pm #66491
What an awesome journey you have had ? Amazing !!!
Welcome to NZ. Again, what a place to be in. Have you been to Queenstown as yet ?
One way to know that you are growing spiritually is when people’s questions don’t excite or anger you to the tenth degree. You are able to maintain your inner calm and peace. So congrats on progressing this far.
As for your question – Just simply say, “I appreciate your concern but I don’t feel comfortable sharing this information with you. Can we talk about something else ?” Most often, people will get the message and move away from this line of questioning. It is really up to us as to how much we wish to reveal.
You don’t have to be an open book story. People become open book stories when they are dealing with a lot of issues and need attention. When you feel the calm and peace, you just want to focus on the present and what today has to offer, yeah ? Well, this has been my experience. I still share the authentic version of me with people but I pick and choose the place / time. I don’t lie so I choose silence over verbal diarrhoea in most situations nowadays 🙂 Unfortunately, majority of the people around us are not on the self awareness journey so it becomes tricky when they want to bombard you with insensitive questions.
Hang in there and enjoy your space in NZ. You are in heaven now 🙂