How to work through avoidant attachment style?

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This topic has 17 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by Tee.

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September 4, 2021 at 9:56 pm #385748

Ashmitha
Participant

Hi everyone. I hope you’re doing well.

I was wondering if anyone has advice on working through fear and anxious/ avoidant attachment styles. I feel more sad and lonely as of lately. I got a job in my dream department recently, so I am busy during work hours, but after that I feel a bit empty and bored. I think I may be developing depression? I started going to the gym quite frequently and I got a personal trainer, which has helped my mental health a lot.

If you read my previous post, you’ll see my boyfriend and I broke up with each other but we ended up getting back together. He asked me to be more open about how I felt and what I needed. Since then, I have met his friends and even gone on a vacation to a different city with him and his friends. He is also trying to get me to meet his other friend circle. I consider that a big jump from where we were. We also talk on the phone here and there now too.

Yet, for some reason I have these lonely and empty feelings. I think it has more to do with me. And I still want to push for more closeness and taking more serious steps in our relationship… I compare ours to my friends’. I sometimes feel like I’m never satisfied and I’ve been told this from my family too. How can I work through this?

It’s like I want the perfect partner who meets all my needs but I know that isn’t possible. I think I can be very critical of those close to me, as I am hard on myself and I have high expectations for others close to me as well (partner, family, friends). It frustrates me when they aren’t performing well and it makes me want to distance myself from them.

My dad is still the way he has been (angry and bitter alcoholic) and for some reason, now it is really causing me to disengage from him. I almost forget he exists… His mentality is so backwards, draining and wasteful that I don’t even want to hear what he says. I try to shut him out completely.

I got a job in my dream department at a hospital, yet I feel like my mental health is going downhill. I’m not sure why. The pay for this job is not that high, but it is entry-level and I have opportunity for growth as it opens a lot of doors for me. I also have one year left in my graduate studies so I can’t expect a high pay. I don’t know if the lower than ideal pay is causing this, since income is critical in me buying my own place and moving out which has been a childhood dream.

Sorry if this switched topics. I had to get this off my mind. Thanks for reading

September 5, 2021 at 11:08 am #385771
Anonymous
Guest
Dear Ashmitha:

Welcome back. In June this year, after you broke up with your current boyfriend, I wrote to you: “The breakup feels badly at times, but it’s the right thing for you. I hope you feel better and better soon!”.

You replied on June 22: “I am proud of myself for expressing my needs and not backing down when they weren’t met…I know I want a serious relationship that involves effort and genuine interest in me from him, meeting each other’s friends, being public about the relationship on social media and later meeting family. I won’t settle for less than that next time“-

– that was your last post on your previous thread. Very shortly after you resumed the relationship with the boyfriend you broke up with for a short time. Did you settle for less.. yet again?

You wrote back in June 22: “I feel a lot better today and more at peace with my decision. I think I will be taking a 6 month break from dating anyone new. I’d like to spend time getting to know myself and healing from my past wounds… I also want to look for a therapist… I know it will be hard in the beginning, but each day gets easier”-

– I am guessing it didn’t get easier, you didn’t look for, or looked but didn’t find therapy.. you got too anxious and .. reunited with the guy, felt better for it.. time passed, and the anxiety and perhaps depression are back (“anxious… more sad and lonely.. empty and bored… depression?)”

I agree with you that (1) your lonely and empty feelings have a lot to do with you, your childhood and your current living situation which, living with your mother and with your father, at least in the weekends, if I remember correctly (“these lonely and empty feelings. I think it has more to do with me“), and (2) that no one can have a perfect partner who will meet all of one’s needs (“It’s like I want the perfect partner who meets all my needs“), but isn’t he too.. far, too removed from perfection, for you, for what you reasonably need???

“I also have one year left in my graduate studies so I can’t expect a high pay. I don’t know if the lower than ideal pay is causing this, since income is critical in me buying my own place and moving out which has been a childhood dream“- in what ways does your boyfriend help you to move closer to no longer living with your parents and buying your own place?

There is a question in the title of your thread: “How to work through avoidant attachment style?“- are you referring to your avoidant attachment style, or his?

anita
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by .
September 5, 2021 at 11:56 am #385793

Ashmitha
Participant

Thanks Anita.

He asked to talk a couple weeks after our breakup and said he felt miserable and couldn’t stop thinking about me, which even I was a little surprised to hear because I had been focused on a job interview and not dwelling as much over the breakup. He was taking initiative and asking what I needed and was acting on it, and I agreed to try again. Inviting me on a vacation with his friends was quite big to me. I’ve been more busy since I started working and we call once or twice a week randomly. We text less. But he will reply when I message him.

I did seek out a therapist at my university but I didn’t find it that helpful. I felt like I opened up so much to them and was told to read something about “children of alcoholics.” Talking about it made me more sad afterward because I felt like I opened up that wound without much support. The university therapy is also only once every two weeks which isn’t often. I am looking for another therapist.

I agree, he is quite independent and can seem distant. He is not dependent on the relationship. I don’t know if he has a healthy view on relationships and I am just needy. It’s hard to understand for me. When I told him I felt like he wasn’t taking me seriously, he said he has this entire time. He can be open and vocal and tell me he loves me and is in love with me, whereas I struggle with that. When we talked about cheating before, he said he would never cheat. But I am confused as to why he doesn’t need that daily closeness the way I do. I never considered the fact that he may be avoidant.

He doesn’t really help me move closer to moving out. Since we met, he has said he wants to get married at age 30-31, which I thought was late. Recently he told me, he’s thinking of 32-33 now…. And we couldn’t buy a place together unless we were married because of cultural reasons. So I can’t really consider him an option for help with that.

September 5, 2021 at 11:59 am #385794

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ashmitha:

I am glad to get your reply so soon, it feels good to communicate with you again! But I need to be away from the computer for a while, will be back to read and reply further when I am back!

anita

September 5, 2021 at 12:47 pm #385799

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ashmitha:

It is clear to me that your first priority is and has been for .. a long time to no longer live or spend any time with your father, and to live away from both of your parents.

“He doesn’t really help me move closer to moving out… So I can’t really consider him an option for help with that“-

– So I say he is a waste of your time and energy. Your time and energy should be focused on doing all you can to move out and live independently and away from your parents. In other words, if he isn’t a solution to your main problem, then.. he doesn’t belong in your life.

It is nice that he introduced you to his friends.. but so what.. what practical difference does it make in your life?

anita

September 5, 2021 at 1:05 pm #385801

Tee
Participant

Dear Ashmitha,

He asked to talk a couple weeks after our breakup and said he felt miserable and couldn’t stop thinking about me,

That’s curious because before you broke up, he didn’t really show much interest in you, except once per week, during your intimate encounters. Could it be that he only misses that part, and in order to have it back, he was willing to agree to certain provisions, like introducing you to his friends, inviting you to a vacation with them, talking on the phone once or twice per week, and not ignoring your texts. He figured this is the minimum that should keep you satisfied… and he can still get what he wants. He now has to put in slightly more effort, but not too much more…

Since we met, he has said he wants to get married at age 30-31, which I thought was late. Recently he told me, he’s thinking of 32-33 now….

How old is he now? 27? Why the wait? Are there some objective reasons, or he simply doesn’t feel like tying the knot, but having fun as long as possible? I am sorry if I sound bitter, but I don’t think he has changed, and he’s still stringing you along…

September 6, 2021 at 9:01 am #385849

Ashmitha
Participant

Hi Anita and Teak,

Thanks for your replies.

I do want to be able to purchase my own home with the help of my mother. I don’t really expect my boyfriend to help me buy a home because it is still very early in my opinion. We are both 25. I only see myself getting married at a minimum age of 28-29.

I guess what I struggle with is that I have had several relationships, which makes me feel like I am the problem. My friends in 5+ year long relationships always say to work things out and keep trying. I don’t think I’ve tried my hardest to make it work with him because I struggle with showing vulnerability. I also can’t tell if this is just a normal phase of a relationship after the honeymoon period ends. I know I always get confused after the honeymoon period ends because I like that high-intensity feeling of mutual admiration. I’ve never had a relationship go longer than 6 months before this one. And I’m not interested in other people, I would just want us to be stronger together. I like being pursued by a man and not vice-versa, which may be an ego issue on my part. I’m just bad at being vulnerable and letting my walls down out of fear of being hurt.

He has admitted he is immature in that he wants to wait before settling down and getting married. He made that clear to his mother before he met me and currently. I don’t think it is because he wants to explore his options, but is because he wants to enjoy his 20’s with friends before the responsibilities of a husband and father come. 30 years of age is probably the oldest I would wait and I think he would compromise on that. I do believe living with him would be different and better than living apart. Everyone around him says he is a really caring person and a great guy, and in my head I’m like why wouldn’t I want to be with someone like that? I’ve asked him before if he thinks he would be happier and more compatible with someone who had similar interests etc. with him and he said no. I see a lot of potential with him and a happy future if we both put more effort in and were more open… I know he has gone through his own hardships as another child of an alcoholic father who now has no relationship with his father. I guess it’s just hard navigating that without professional help.

September 6, 2021 at 9:47 am #385852

Tee
Participant

Dear Ashmitha,

Everyone around him says he is a really caring person and a great guy, and in my head I’m like why wouldn’t I want to be with someone like that?

From what you shared here, he hasn’t been a caring person towards you. We’ve explored all that before. You’re now again questioning yourself instead of realizing that you are not the problem, but he is.

I like being pursued by a man and not vice-versa, which may be an ego issue on my part.

You just want the guy to show interest in you beyond sex. It’s not an ego issue on your part but a normal expectation.

I’m just bad at being vulnerable and letting my walls down out of fear of being hurt.

You have been vulnerable with him, you told him what you need from him, you opened up. What was his reaction? First, he said it’s better you break up because he isn’t mature enough. Now he has introduced a couple of phone calls into your weekly routine. Anything else beyond that? How did he change compared to how he was before the breakup?

Dear Ashmitha, you’re blaming yourself again, as if something is wrong with you for not being able to be happy with this guy. As I said, nothing is wrong with you. But you don’t believe it, and I think it’s because the inner child tells you differently. The child always blames themselves when the parent doesn’t love them. What I believe is happening now is that the little girl in you is blaming herself for not being lovable enough…

September 6, 2021 at 9:51 am #385853

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ashmitha:

You currently live with your mother and with your abusive, alcoholic father. You plan to purchase your own home with the help of your mother, and move there (without your father, I hope). You are currently employed and working.

As far as the guy, you wrote: “I’m not interested in other people, I would just want us to be stronger together… 30 years of age is probably the oldest I would wait and I think he would compromise on that…Everyone around him says he is a really caring person and a great guy, and in my head I’m like why wouldn’t I want to be with someone like that?“-

– reads like you are clear that He is The One you want, and your plan is to remain in a relationship with him, hoping that he will want to marry you in five years from now. You believe that you are the cause of any dissatisfaction that you experience in the relationship with him, and you are asking for help in regard to how to become worthy of his attention and willingness to marry you in the next five years. Did I understand correctly?

anita

September 6, 2021 at 3:12 pm #385875

Ashmitha
Participant

Yes teak, it definitely stems from my insecurities, I’m sure. I’m planning to just pull back as my life is about to become VERY busy. I’ll be working full-time, completing my master’s full-time and working at the university as a graduate research assistant part-time. We may just naturally fall apart, unless he initiates more often.

Anita, your understanding seems right, which is kind of embarassing for me. Starting over scares me and the opinions of others do as well. “Friends” have made fun of me for “hopping from guy to guy” before and I didn’t like that one bit, because I do take relationships seriously. When I stood up for myself and left relationships, I was made fun of for it. Yet, I’ve witnessed my friends stay in bad relationships for years and work through them. I think that if I were to move to a different city or something, I would be more able to call things off. My friends are all in serious relationships now and I would feel embarrassed telling everyone I am single again, yet again.

September 6, 2021 at 3:18 pm #385877

Ashmitha
Participant

I have also been thinking about how I was such a secure and confident person when I was younger. From childhood to high school, I was happy to fully embrace my weird self. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve shown less of my personality and have become more insecure with myself and more concerned with getting approval/ being liked by others. Maybe it started once I started dating. But I do try to appear like this calm and confident person, while I clearly have all of these insecurities… I secretly care a lot about what other people think of me.

September 6, 2021 at 4:02 pm #385885

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ashmitha:

I think that you have the wrong friends because you wrote: “‘Friends‘ have made fun of me for ‘hopping from guy to guy’ before.. When I stood up for myself and left relationships, I was made fun of for it“- who are these “friends” who made or make fun of you.. I bet they get hurt when they are made fun of: they know it hurts, and yet they are willing to hurt.. a friend?

This guy, I do not like him, from the totality of what you shared. His friends say he is great (“Everyone around him says he is a really caring person and a great guy”)- I think that his friends are as wrong about him just as your friends are wrong about you (when they make fun of you!)

“I secretly care a lot about what other people think of me“- I openly think well of you, and I think that you deserve better than this guy who to you at least, is uncaring and not great at all!

“”I’ll be working full-time, completing my master’s full-time and working at the university as a graduate research assistant part-time“- I hope you invest all that you have in your work and education: this is where you are most likely to get a return on your investment. The “friends”, the guy.. I don’t see the return on your investment in them.

anita

September 7, 2021 at 1:39 am #385895
Tee
Participant
Dear Ashmitha,

Yes teak, it definitely stems from my insecurities, I’m sure.

Right… but you are young, only 25, so you can deal with your insecurities, rather than settle for this guy because 1) you believe you don’t deserve better, and 2) you fear judgment and ridicule of other people. It will be much more painful to spend your entire life in misery and depression, living with him, than feeling the temporary pain of people ridiculing you for your relationship status.

Try to look at the bigger picture here and what is really important for you – to please others and live in misery, or to create a happy and fulfilled life for yourself?

It’s clear that this guy doesn’t love you and doesn’t care about you. You say this will be your strategy from now on:

I’m planning to just pull back as my life is about to become VERY busy. I’ll be working full-time, completing my master’s full-time and working at the university as a graduate research assistant part-time. We may just naturally fall apart, unless he initiates more often.

But he’ll be visiting you once per week still? That’s exactly what he wants, and he’ll probably be pleased with the new regime because it will give him an excuse for not paying more attention to you, and yet, he’ll get his weekly “reward”. It’s a win-win for him. You are the one who is losing in this scenario…

“Friends” have made fun of me for “hopping from guy to guy” before and I didn’t like that one bit, because I do take relationships seriously. When I stood up for myself and left relationships, I was made fun of for it.

Probably they saw your tendency to stay in relationships for only a short while, and to leave quickly if problems arise. That’s because of your childhood dynamic and emotional scars that we talked about. It was an unhealthy pattern, which you are now aware of. Which means you don’t need to repeat it in the future, you can work on healing those emotional scars.

Yet, I’ve witnessed my friends stay in bad relationships for years and work through them.

Yes, and you escaped quickly because you feared that a small argument now will lead to huge problems down the road, because you saw it in your parents’ marriage. It was your defense mechanism to prevent bigger pain in the future…

I think that if I were to move to a different city or something, I would be more able to call things off. My friends are all in serious relationships now and I would feel embarrassed telling everyone I am single again, yet again.

It’s not an embarrassment to say that you are single again, because you’ve realized some things about yourself and you value yourself more than this guy values you. And that you aren’t willing to settle for less. And also, that you’re working on your other issues which made you fear conflict and leave some relationships too soon.

It’s not embarrassing to become more self-aware and more willing to work towards your happiness. If those friends don’t understand and appreciate it, if they keep judging you and ridiculing you, then they don’t deserve to be your friends.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Tee.
September 7, 2021 at 3:20 pm #385933

Ashmitha
Participant

Thank you both for your words of wisdom. I will think about what you have said this week. I hope you both have a good week.

September 7, 2021 at 3:27 pm #385934

Ashmitha
Participant

I am curious if either of you can tell what my attachment style is, from getting to know my deepest thoughts throughout the months. I have always thought I was avoidant since I can come off as emotionally distant and cold, but deep down I feel anxious too. I did a quiz once and got the disorganized attachment style. Curious to hear your thoughts.
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