January 11, 2021 at 2:41 pm #372636
I will be able to read and reply to you in about 17 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 11, 2021 at 7:40 pm #372661
I read y0ur post this Monday night, although not very focused, will reply a bit more tomorrow morning, but for now, just this point: what is in the core of your pre-occupation with this woman is your desire to be loved/ to be valued. This desire is so very strong in you. What a shame it is, that you don’t know that you are lovable and that you have been lovable all along.
This is the missing part: that you are lovable, that you are worthy of love. I will re-read your recent post in about 12 hours and reply further then.
anitaJanuary 12, 2021 at 8:24 am #372670
“I assume you think it would be a bad idea to press her for more information, correct?”- at this point, I think that it is a good idea for you to ask her specifically what you want to know. If you have the specific information that you need, maybe, just maybe.. you will stop obsessing about her.
“after all I have shared with you, don’t you think there is a missing ‘piece’ on her end?… this is all just her way of not addressing the missing ‘piece'”. You suggested three possibilities of what the missing piece on her end might be: (1) she started dating someone, (2) she felt that you and her were getting too close, (3) a combination of 1 and 2.
You are obsessed with the missing piece on her end. The missing piece on her end has no practical value in your life: you mentioned nothing about a plan to have an extra-marital affair with her, nothing about a plan to divorce your wife and marry her after she divorces, nothing of the kind.
Your obsession with the missing piece on her end is about the missing piece on your end, which is, I believe, your deep and unfulfilled need to be worthy of a permanent bonding vs a temporary emotional placeholder (“what triggered me here with B is that while I was viewing us as bonding.. to her I was more of a temporary ‘Emotional Placeholder'”, Jan 5).
There is a Wikipedia entry on Limerence that may interest you. The term limerence, coined by a psychologist in a book, is described as “a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically include.. intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation… Limerence is characterized by internal experiences such as ruminative thinking, anxiety and depression, temporary fixation and the disintegration of the self.. these themes find relation to unresolved earlier experience… Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual”.
anitaJanuary 12, 2021 at 4:38 pm #372710Timepassages2070Participant
It’s a good question.
I know that there were certainly lots of childhood wounds opened here but I honestly have not experienced anything like this since I have been an adult. I have never had someone show me so much interest, say so many things that indicated how much they cared and how valuable I was to them and then just virtually overnight shut it all down as if it never happened. It was like she flipped a switch. I have never had this happen to me in any relationship I have ever had, friendship or otherwise.
Here is what I think it really comes down to for me – I know I basically got used, and manipulated, by someone who I have known for two decades and I thought was a good friend.
It’s been very tough for me to reconcile everything she said, and did, as we got closer, to where we are now. It’s also tough because she has to know that all of the explanations, and things she has said, since this went down don’t add up but yet she keeps saying the same things. And it’s hard because I know that I am probably not the only guy friend this happened with since she has been this place with her marriage. I am about 90% sure that there is some other guy friend she is running through the same “dance” she did with me for that year period of time.
So what I have decided to do is completely let it all go, stop engaging with her on social media, and just assume this friendship is over and focus on whether or not I can make my marriage work. I just have to accept the fact that sometimes we never get answers and that is the answer.January 12, 2021 at 5:46 pm #372713
I agree that “lost of childhood wounds opened here”. I think that the emotional shock you experienced when she unexpectedly withdrew from you after expressing so convincingly that she greatly valued you, opened those childhood wounds.
You wrote that you decided to “completely let it all go”- reads like a good decision. Feel free to post any time about how it goes for you from here on.
anitaJanuary 13, 2021 at 12:11 pm #372756Timepassages2070Participant
I realized I must have missed a response from you – not quite sure why.
Anyway, I am very familiar with limerance and I do think there is definitely some of that here.
But, you’re correct in your point as to why I need that “missing piece” because I have no intention of having an affair with her or marrying her after she divorces her husband. Ultimately I don’t really “need” anything but I would have liked to know why this person I have known twenty years, who I got really close to over the course of a year, did everything but completely ghost me out of her life almost overnight.
But the truth is I already know the answer and I don’t know that getting it from her will do anything other than verify what I know to be true – she is not the person I thought her to be and she used me. It sucks but that’s what it really comes down to and I have to learn to accept it and have better boundaries in the future.
Anyway, thanks again Anita!January 13, 2021 at 12:35 pm #372758
You are very welcome, Timepassages2070. Post again when you need to.