Dear Naomi:
I read from a lot of young adults carrying great emotional burdens, guilt and shame over what you may be referring to here. I don’t feel comfortable exploring this topic here, on a public forum.
The right place for you to share about what you are referring here, to look into the issue, to gain better understanding and guidance would be in the private, confidential setting of psychotherapy. Therapy can make a huge difference for you, it may be the best investment you can make so to live a better life.
anita