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Husband's Family

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  • This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Inky.
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  • November 27, 2015 at 9:17 am #88412
    AtlasThinks
    Participant

    I feel like a fool. I had always believed that I got along with my husband’s family. Seems they just tolerate me and are very dismissive of me. Especially his daughter (my steppie since she was 9 now nearly 20). She is blatantly dismissive of me it hurts then at times so sickly sweet to me. I know how she feels about me as she has told me but why can’t I let go? Why do I keep thinking it will all come good. I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t know how to be around her when she visits because I am uncomfortable. I meditate that I am complete. I guess it just makes me feel worthless.
    I had a fight with the SIL when she visited 10 months ago. She ignored me all weekend. Had her head in a book 24/7. My husband told me to talk louder, so I did and she thought I was making fun of her and we had an argument. Nothing I ever did pleased her.
    It pains me when I hear my daughter now 7 talk about her half sister and aunty because they adore her but hate me. I can’t stop her visiting them as she is her own person but it kills me inside because I am generally a nice, kind person who is chatty, loyal.
    Husband does say things to them but mainly he does nothing.
    The other thing I hate is that when people are inconsistent with me. They talk to me for a while and then for no reason don’t. This goes on for a while, and then they are back to talking. I decided just to ignore these people as it makes me feel insignificant when they treat me like this. Expectations will let us down every time.
    I also appear to have landed up in a family of Aspergers and realising that my own family were the same. It scares me because I think it’s me when I get told I am sensitive or emotional. The only ones who say that about me are my own family and my husband’s family.
    I want freedom from these thoughts.

    November 27, 2015 at 12:49 pm #88416
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AtlasThinks:

    I read someone statement: “What others think of me is none of my business.” Can you imagine putting that principle in practice- I can’t. I always cared what others thought of me, obsessed really. Oh, it was so important to me, what did others think of me.

    I still is. I have nothing for you right now, maybe later something will come up. I often come up with something later on.

    Take care for now, and if YOU come up with something, do post.
    anita

    November 27, 2015 at 2:27 pm #88418
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AtlasThinks:

    You wrote: “I know how she (stepdaughter) feels about me as she has told me.”

    What did she tell you that she feels about you?

    anita

    November 27, 2015 at 7:11 pm #88436
    AtlasThinks
    Participant

    A year ago, she was 18. Said she couldn’t stand that I didn’t work but expected the best of everything. That I never paid for anything. That I was horrible to her father. I was not a good mother and that I have no common sense. I am rude to people and I am nothing like her own mother and if it wasn’t for Dad, she would have nothing to do with me. We just wouldn’t mix.

    I think being stabbed might have hurt less. At least that would have healed.

    November 27, 2015 at 7:12 pm #88438
    AtlasThinks
    Participant

    I do work now 5 days a week. Our daughter is nearly 7 and husband works away 4 weeks at a time and is only home 7 days at a time. I no longer get house keeping. I pay for all I can but since I work 25 hours per week, it doesn’t stretch far enough.

    November 27, 2015 at 7:32 pm #88439
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AtlasThinks:

    I would strongly suggest that you no longer do anything at all, be it a smile, a gesture, anything at all, in an effort to make her like you. Every effort you further make in this direction will only add to your frustration and feelings of defeat, feeling of being a fool. Be yourself around her, go about your business and be authentic around her: don’t pretend anything. Be civil but do not pretend anything at all and don’t try to please her. Accept what she told you she feels about you as final. Unchangeable.

    Your pain is evident in your posts. Hope you feel better soon.
    anita

    November 28, 2015 at 6:24 am #88452
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Atlas Thinks,

    Of course you know that she’s not angry at **YOU**. She is angry that (even a decade plus later) that her parents are no longer together. That her dad SEEMS to treat you like a queen/better than he treated her mom, that she forgets her mom may very well have stayed home with her too, OR she’s resentful that her sibling got the perfect SAHM. So what if you were a “tennis mom”/soccer mom? (what we call SAHMs with older kids). You keep the household running and take care of your child and her dad! listen, my mom was a SAHM, worked part time OR had her own business at various points when I was growing up and apologized for none of it!

    I know she’s an adult, but she is not grown. Her rant was the grief of a child. I said shocking things to my step father even as a late teen, and he was a perfectly lovely person.

    I say perfect your role. How would you treat a college aged daughter? With my own flesh and blood daughter I text, call, FB and send a care package. When she comes home I say, “OK! Let’s go shopping at Stew Leonard’s!” (a tradition). For her birthday and Christmas I buy her presents. And if she is/says something bad to me, I say, “I don’t like that!” and leave the room.

    If I had a sister in law I might remember her birthday and give her a call and invite them over for holidays. That’s it!

    They may very well have Aspergers. It is a gift, really. You CAN’T take it personally. For my nephew I give him books and am thinking of getting him a privacy tent so he can go into his “cave” wherever he is! LOL

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.
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