Dear John:

Like you figured correctly, it is emotions that keep you in a situation that is not healthy for you. You know what you should do but your emotions are pulling you in a different way. We can’t do what is right for us to do unless our emotions work together with our logic and not against our logic.

The thing is, there are valid, true messages hidden in your emotions and once we find out what the true message is, then the emotion …suddenly makes sense and we are no longer confused. I would like to be of some help to you, however small, in finding out the true, valid, understandable message behind your emotional need for this man.

For that purpose, I would like to ask you:

You wrote: “When we are together it is amazing I feel like a teenager, we both do.” What is it like, this “amazing” feeling when you are with him, at least at times, what does it feel like? Do you remember when you felt like this before you met him… anytime before you met him, even long, long ago?

anita

Dear John:

You fear abandonment. You fear that you are not good enough and therefore you will be left alone. Being good enough in a relationship is helping the other person. You feel your value, you being good-enough, equals the help you give and the other receives. So to be of value, you have to provide help to a person in need of your help.

It makes sense then that you will be attracted, feel the need to associate with someone who is in need of help, a troubled person, like your neighbor. There, in relationship with him, when together with him, when you see that you did help him, that feeling of value is intoxicating, makes you feel so very good.

And it is understandable. It is a wonderful feeling to feel valuable.

Problem is, it doesn’t work for you on the long run because … the other person has to remain sick and in need of your help and you are lost when not helping him.

I mentioned yesterday that there are valid messages behind emotions. I think that the valid message … I think I get it, but why don’t you try… what do you think the valid message is behind your “addiction” to your neighbor/ friend?

anita

Dear John:

I think it feels bad to feel that you are not good enough, not valuable. I think that hurts to feel that, very much so. And you think, do you?, that your friend staying with the other friend while you are alone means he chose her over you. Is it so?

anita

Dear John:

Do you believe that the origin of your belief that you are not good enough is in your childhood? If so, do you think it can be helpful to look into your childhood for the making of that belief, how it came about? Have you … tried that already? Would you like to do it so, if so, would you like to share about your childhood and the making of this belief?

anita

Hello! Sounds like you are attached to a guy who hurts you. I know the feeling of being attached to someone who hurts you and they know it too but it’s like they enjoy the power until you decide to stand up for yourself. You should stand up for yourself because you are a great person and you don’t deserve to be treated in such a way, you deserve love and understanding, he sounds neither of those. He sounds toxic, think about what good you want in your life and the good will follow.

And if you can’t seem to move past this guy, think about why you are so attached to him, what about him keeps you near him? Just starting to understand these questions may help you to break free from him… Hope it doesn’t sound all preachy but I hope the best for you, you sound like a nice person.

Dear John:

I read you felt shattered and rotten when you wrote the post above. I am glad you keep posting. You wrote that Everyone says he is toxic … who is “everyone” and are you close to any of them?

anita