May 17, 2023 at 8:53 am #418826KarlParticipant
I’m a 32 year old man who was diagnosed with Depression, Generalised Anxiety, who has also been awaiting a follow up appointment with psychotherapy. They suspect that I have neuro developmental issues on top of the two other conditions. I also suffer from very low self love and whilst i can be confident, I experience instances of shame.
I had given up on relationships entirely after my longest relationship of over 5 years ended. I was heartbroken and not really looking for anyone else for a while.
Then I met a girl. Who passed by me at first. I had a bad bout of depression and had to take time off work. She was the only one in my team who reached out to me.
It meant so much. We started messaging and I knew she had a bf. It transpired that she was Polyamorous and that they had just opened their relationship recently.
We went on our first date together and it was magical. It was the best first date I’d ever been on. Then we started to see each other more often. Eventually we said we love each other. She was so sweet and would bring gifts. We’d exchange notes. Laugh so much.
Then I felt things change after a string of life circumstances creating time apart from us. I had instances of my abandonment issues crop up. I’d get scared. Or anxious. I’d say something that would hurt her by messaging. I’d think the worst. There was a distancing by her that fed these fears, along with her not really making an effort to arrange the days we saw each other anymore.
It happened multiple times and every time i felt bad. I apologised. Her and her boyfriend broke up recently. They still see each other. He went to her place for dinner and I felt jealous. We hadn’t seen each other in over a week and they spent hours together. I imagined they likely did have sex and it hurt me more than I expected. Maybe because I’m in a relationship with her and they are supposedly just staying friends.
So I became anxious when she told me last minute they were meeting. I closed off. Became anxious. Felt a horrible sickening feeling in my stomach and struggled to breathe. I also was not being very engaging via messaging as she hadn’t been as engaging the whole day.
Eventually after hours of silence, she replied with a low effort reply and I said I was off to bed. Then she asked why and I said. Then I said I felt that we don’t see each other enough. She got angry and said “Here we go again. You always say this when I’m busy or have plans” which is not true. It’s only when I feel she is acting different. Then we ended up saying good night on bad terms.
Today we messaged normally a bit. Then she said she needed space before having an overnight, but she wished she could see me or talk to me ASAP. I should have clarified but I took it to mean she wanted to cancel this weekend as we had a show booked.
She said “Now when you say it like that, it sounds like a good idea” and started to tell me that “Here you go again always thinking the worst”
I tried to apologise and said I wanted to see her on the weekend. She then said “Oh My God!” and that she couldn’t deal with this right now and would speak later.
I’m in a lot of pain. I couldn’t sleep easily last night and when I did, I had a dream about her.
I don’t know what to do. I feel that I am bringing her pain and I don’t want to hurt her. At the same time, I don’t feel she let’s me say without judgement what is on my mind. I do love her but I’m considering breaking up with her. Thinking of this makes me cry.
Can you offer any advice for my situation?May 17, 2023 at 1:14 pm #418840RobertaParticipant
I would imagine to be in a polyamourous relationship one would have to not have any issues over jealousy.
If one has any issues or triggers that kind of open relationship would probably be a complete minefield.
I am not sure how this relationship will help you in the longterm with your healing unless you both agree on monogamy and you are also proactive on improving your wellbeing.
In future you both should make your communication clear and not try to second guess or read more into them to help stop further misunderstandings such as coming across as jealous or needy.May 17, 2023 at 1:56 pm #418842HelcatParticipant
I agree with Roberta.
You entered into this poly relationship. Now do you expect her to not be poly? Because if you haven’t discussed this, it’s an unrealistic expectation.
Did she promise not to get romantically involved with her ex again?
The issue is that you aren’t communicating your actual wishes. Instead you are blaming other issues. It doesn’t come across very well if you’re not direct about addressing problems.
It sounds like you care about her. But a monogamous relationship might not be what she wants. You will have to ask her. If the relationship ends because she doesn’t want a monogamous relationship that is okay. At least you will have been honest and things can end in a healthier, kinder way.
There is always the chance she might be okay with a monogamous relationship. But you will have to control your anxiety and be direct communicating issues instead of expressing your anxiety indirectly in the future which isn’t very healthy. Again, you are going to have to clearly communicate with her about this. It will show that you are willing to work on anxiety and communication.
Wishing you all the best! 🙏