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I am anxious All the time, lost and looking for purpose

HomeForumsPurposeI am anxious All the time, lost and looking for purpose

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  • #159762
    Natasha31
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    Can’t believe I am writing this but here I am.

    I am a 31-year old woman currently unemployed. I live with my mother who was always abusive but now since she is unwell and aged has toned down her abusive behavior over the years.

    I am feeling very anxious about my future as I’m unable to secure a job, I wanted to be a journalist and write but I have mostly given up on the dream and stopped trying.  I find I’m too scared to take the next step in my life and everything terrifies me. I have shut most people out of my life and just spend time on my own. I have started therapy and it is helps but I don’t really know if I will ever get out of my depression and anxiety.

    I feel like a failure as most people who went to journalism school with me are successful journalists now and I am still stuck, questioning and doubting every word I write. I feel so dumb compared to my classmates in terms of writing quality that I have stopped trying.

    So I just stay home most days, on Facebook and Instagram, looking at other people’s lives instead of living my own and I feel the light in my eyes I once had is gone.

    I have always had a sadness in me maybe because I was sexually abused when I was 5. It all got more intense when my father died 7 years ago. I think that is when I stopped trying to live a life.

    i have a boyfriend for 6 years and he wants to marry me but I feel too scared to take such a big step.

    After my father’s death, who was my biggest support in my career and studies, I feel like I really can’t achieve anything.

    So I guess I’m writing because I just want to reach out and not feel so invisible. I hope therapy helps, but it is a painful process.

    i am looking to get back on track where I had some dreams now I’m too scared to dream as my dreams for me have never ever really come true for me in life so I just prefer to sit on the sidelines and watch other people achieve their dreams.

    I know I sound pathetic, but this is where I am at. I just want to find a purpose again, how do I find my purpose?

    Thank you for listening to my rant who ever you are.

    #159782
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Natasha,

    That’s funny, I am also a journalism major. I remember how much anxiety was involved in journalism, in meeting new people and asking them tough questions. One thing has really helped me with my own anxiety is a strategy I sort of modified from “DARE: A New Way to End Anxiety”: When the anxiety hits, instead of letting it overwhelm you, respond to it with a strong response that doesn’t involve fear. It’s funny how the anxiety can wither when fear isn’t mixed into the response. Then go and do something that you love instead of returning again and again to the anxious thoughts.

    One thing that really helped me begin to grow is to ask myself “Who is the person I want to become?” As a writer, it might help you to write one page about this question, an assignment that Epictetus advises a person should do. Then I like to make a list of goals, choose one, and then create a list of the steps that lead to achieving that goal. Then take the first step and take the time to appreciate the feeling of progress. It can be such a beautiful feeling. Everyday you can move a little closer toward that goal. Create possibilities and make progress instead of staying stuck as you are unemployed.

    Another thing that really helped, and I could imagine helping with a journalism career, is to imagine a happy memory before you meet someone. It can totally change the vibe of the conversation.

    I actually just wrote this yesterday about purposes in this book I am writing. Come to think, maybe you might want to work on a project that is meaningful to you as you are unemployed. It may give you purpose, but I don’t think there is any one purpose out there that is the secret to our life:

    “In the self-help genre there seems to be much written about our purposes, something we are meant to do in this life. The word is read and spoken so much that we don’t ever really think about it. To have a purpose implies something set in our lives, something we are supposed to be doing. Many people tend to believe that when we move toward our “purpose” we feel more right, but is that association with the feeling and purpose limiting our freedom when we designate a set role to our lives that we refer to daily?

    Are we searching for the wrong thing when we focus on finding a purpose? Perhaps we are meant to do many things in this life, have many purposes. The search for one that defines us may even inhibit us from doing all the things our potential can produce. If I believe my purpose is to be a writer, think about all the other stuff that I could be doing as I sit here pushing keys to form words on the computer screen before me. If meeting a single person can change a life, think about all the people I’m not meeting as I struggle to write about something as complex as purpose in this life.”

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