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I am not okay right now

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  • #126054
    North Star76
    Participant

    I’m not sure what to write, I have so many feelings and thoughts running through my head that they all tumble over one another. I know, however, that I need some help, someone to listen to me and maybe have some thoughts to share back.

    I’m 41. I’ve never been married. I don’t have any children. I have always wanted to be married. Not because “everyone else does it” but because I have always loved the idea of being part of a partnership. I never really liked a lot of “me time”; in general I prefer to be in the company of others. That being said I own my own home, I have a career, I support myself… I don’t NEED anyone else, I WANT a partner.

    I’ve had relationships but none have lasted very long – a year at the longest. With the exception of one I have always been the one who has been dumped. I find this frustrating as I don’t think I’m overly difficult, I’m not clingy, or bossy or a nag or anything like that (I guess you’ll just have to take my word for all of that).

    Last summer I met someone. He asked me out and although he wasn’t my “type” I said yes. I found myself pleasantly surprised to like him…to end up liking him a lot. I was happy that I had opened my mind to someone who wasn’t what I thought I was looking for. We saw each other regularly. We connected, I met his parents, he met mine, etc. I thought “now I get it when people say that all those past relationships were meant to fail so we could meet”. I thought this about him.

    A week and a half ago, quite unexpectedly, he ended our relationship. He said we didn’t have enough in common. We had been dating for five months. It’s horrible to think that someone spend all that time with you and decided their life would be better off without you in it. It’s an awful thought. I miss him a lot. I was very happy with our relationship and I’m so hurt to know he didn’t feel the same.

    I’m having a really hard time bouncing back. I am angry, I’m always on the verge of tears. I feel like I put myself out there and try and it consistently ends badly for me. I’m a good person, I am kind, thoughtful, not covered in boils…I must be doing or saying something that is causing this to keep happening to me. I don’t know how to figure out what it is. Do I not have enough self-love? Am I putting some negative energy into the universe? Is this just my fate in life to be alone? Is this some punishment for something I did when I was younger? I don’t know how to help myself. All I know is I’m sad. I’m lonely and I don’t want to go through my long life and have no one there beside me.

    I’m finding it so hard to talk to my friends as they are all in relationships and have children. I feel isolated from them and I am not sure who to talk to.

    I have never done this before…I’m not sure if it’s going to be a help or a hindrance but if anyone out there reads this and has anything to say, I’m grateful for your time.

    #126056
    anita
    Participant

    Dear northstar76:

    It is something to look into, why you didn’t have a relationship that lasted more than a year. Reads to me like you have no idea why that is and why the last boyfriend broke up with you.

    If you’d like to look into it, let’s do it. It will take some time as we look here, look there until we find a possible answer. Here is a possible place to look: you wrote that in all the relationships you were dumped except for one.

    That one relationship where you dumped the guy: why did you dump him/ what was that relationship like?

    anita

    #126077
    North Star76
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for responding. In that relationship, about nine months in, we had our first disagreement. He got upset at me and when we spoke about it, he just kept repeating over and over the thing I did that he considered to be bad. I apologized, and he’d just state it all over again. I felt like he was talking to a kid. He also refused to acknowledge any wrong doing on his part. He was incapable of saying sorry. I realized I couldn’t be with someone who was never going to be willing to admit when they were wrong.

    #126095
    anita
    Participant

    Dear northstar76:

    You are welcome. What was that thing that he considered to be bad, the thing he kept repeating?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by anita.
    #126107
    ralph gauntlett
    Participant

    Is it, not what he kept repeating but more partners should respect each others opinions/views and if a situation occurs where it goes ballistic because she made an error then it shows there are issues within the relationship, humans are never perfect and sometimes a person may look for a way out of a relationship without feeling as if its there fault.
    I feel for your heartache hun, but if it ended then it shows he lacked the understanding that everyone makes mistakes but its the way forward from the bad error you made that makes a relationship…hope that sounds ok, long time since i chatted..lol

    #126148
    North Star76
    Participant

    Hi Ralph and Anita,

    The relationship you are referring to isn’t the one that has me sad. It is clear he wasn’t for me. If he can’t accept that people make mistakes and that there will be problems then I don’t want to live with someone like that.

    Anita, what we argued about was an outfit. That’s what made him so angry. I felt I was overdressed for an occasion. Seriously…we argued about a skirt.

    No Ralph, I feel deeply saddened by someone else, someone who I sincerely thought was the person for me. Who quite suddenly felt we didn’t have enough in common.

    #126149
    anita
    Participant

    Dear North Star76:

    My quest is still (with your cooperation, of course) to find out why, at 41, an obviously intelligent woman who has her own career, owns her own home, supports herself; a woman who always wanted a partnership, did not have a single relationship that lasted more than a year. And why you were dumped every time but one.

    You wrote that the reason is not that you are “overly difficult, “clingy, or bossy or a nag,” and that you are “a good person “kind, thoughtful, not covered in boils.”

    The one relationship where you dumped the guy: nine months, not a single argument, then an argument about the skirt you wore one time. And you wrote he didn’t admit her was ever wrong. yet no disagreement for nine months.

    The last relationship, at 40, lasted five months and only a week and a half ago, unexpectedly, he ended your relationship. He said you didn’t have enough in common.

    Maybe the clue as to why this failure of relationships is in your first line: “I’m not sure what to write, I have so many feelings and thoughts running through my head that they all tumble over one another”- is it possible that you simply didn’t share your thoughts and feelings with these men, that you were almost non-existent in the relationships and nothing much was going on there… and so there were no disagreements on one hand (for nine months in one relationship), and nothing in common on the other hand (following five months in the last relationship)?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by anita.
    #126151
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Hi North Star76,

    It is perfectly okay not to bounce back from this after only a week! This relationship obviously meant a great deal to you and it will probably take quite some time for you to work through all of the emotions it’s stirred up. I feel that you are deeply hurt by the way this man ended things with you but I also think (correct me if I’m wrong) that you may be more hurt because you opened up to someone finally and were shot down. It’s a horrible feeling I know, like getting the wind knocked out of you!

    So you finally let down your wall and it didn’t go too well…this time.Funny thing about walls: even though they keep us safe, they keep us isolated as well. Once they are knocked down you’re free to go wherever you please. So after you’ve recovered from this hurt, where will you go? Will you spend time rebuilding the wall to keep yourself lonely and safe, or will you step over the bricks, take what you learned about being open and free with another human being and try again? There is no right answer, only what is right for you.

    Please keep posting, sadness is so much easier to handle with some support! Good luck!

    Cheers,

    M

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